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Ohhh...quick to suicidal. Slow to action, as I get the foresight to know that if I died, a lot more s**t would go down.

And I'd abandon my kitties. One of which is very sick right now, sleeping next to me, and has lost 10% of his weight in 3 weeks. If I died, he'd be screwed, and he's my shining light. (...I'm not a TOTAL cat lady, okay?)

But seriously. Mood DIVES. Like, friend says "brb dinner" when I'm in the middle of a convo or something, and I'll be like "Oh, crap. The world hates me. I fail at everything."

That sounds ludicris, but that's what it's like. *shrugs* I get really weird. Or I'll be a complete SPAZ, SUPER organized, super ambitious. I rapid cycle like mad, and I've got ADHD...Mania + ADHD = CRAZINESS.

Fun subject. My Axis I, is Bi-polar I, a classic manic depressive. I'm proned to mix state ANNNNNND rapid cycle. Where to even start.

My manic fits are just insane. I'm untouchable and the world is my oyster. Whatever I want, I get, and it doesn't matter who has to pay for it. I'll drive two hundred miles to get a sandwich. I get so impressed with myself, that I have to show everyone just "who" I am. Which means, I put my body through crazy trials, the crazier the better- if noone else will do it, so much the better. As a result of that my arms are littered with burns (lighter, cigarette, liquid duster and even a couple of blow torch burns.), I've branded both of my shoulders, littered my body with tattoos, broken pretty much every bone in my body at some time or another and if any of that wasn't bad enough- I have an ulcer.

Then when I bottom out, I do nothing. Literally, I don't sleep- I lay there staring at the walls. I'm positive something is wrong, but I can never put my finger on just what EXACTLY is bugging me or even what I can do to make it feel better. My stomach knots up and it feels like I'm waiting for something disasterous to come, if only it would coem the pain would go away. But it never does. And so I retreat inside my mind and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life, and why I bother to live at all. If only I could muster the strength to open a bottle of pills. But why bother? I'd probably ******** that up too. I think about what a drain I am to the people in my life, and how much happier they would be if I wasn't constantly ruining their day. I'll eventually sleep...days, weeks, minutes...there is no set amount of tme for a depressive attack...it lasts until it passes.

And then like a cloudy day, the sun comes back out.

Sometimes the shift is quick, some times not. Sometimes I can cyle back and forth a few times a day.....there isn't really a way to predict it.

Mixed state....The only way I can describe mixed state is "Have you ever watched a horror movie, and the victim is going upstairs to "check things out"? And your screaming at the screen, don't go in there you F'in idiot?"

That's mixd state for me. And there is no time I hate myself more. Everything is happening all at once, and it's more like watching someone elses life......you find yourself screaming at someone you love for no good reason at all, and in your head your telling yourself to shut up, but your mind keeps going. There is so much raw emotion, anger, joy, hate, love and your body starts to hurt, but you have so much energy built up...your more reactive then proactive...and my eyes well up, my hands shake. This is usually the state that makes me get violent. I've destroyed thigns in my life I can never replace during these fits, and it's usually one of these fits that used to cost me friends. (Before I became kind of reclusive.)

So that's a basic idea of the severity of my illness.......

Oh yeah, trivial things like loosing my keys in the midst of a manic episode throws me into a rage...too many people talking at once.....little things that are easily fixed turn into major disasters that usually result in people getting their feeligns hurt and running away. Which just makes me even more mad, because if they "were really" my friends, they'd of stayed by my side..........

Yup, nobody undestands us the way we understand each other. It's why I joined this guild and it's certainly why I love group therapy.

The rest of the world, will never fully grasp us or what our illness means. Some people might try, but try as they might, they'll never be able to fully comprehend.

They'll work withus, accept us, and try to understand us, but there will come a time when they will judge us. And that's the hardest thing about the illness. We're not bad people, we care about the things we destroy...but sometimes it's beyond our control to save the world from us.

I know exactly what you mean. When I first told my friends I was bipolar, they accepted it and tried to help (it was odd...don't ask, it's a boring and strange story). But, since then, I've been really afraid to tell my new friends and my family about it, because I'm afraid of rejection. I'm 90% positive that my parents would disown me and just leave me in foster care or something if I told them. Plus, I don't wanna take medication and never will. End of story. No matter how severe my mood swings and anger and depression attacks (what my friends call the times when I go totally overboard), which are pretty severe.
I have up to like 20 mood swings a day or more, a few of them very severe...but they're more like mood dives...or mood plunges...but you get the picture form my rambling, yes?

THat's pretty much how I feel. I hated the meds I've used, and tend to do more harm then good- in my case- so I found a way to balance my life without the meds...made the illness manageable rather than try to suppress it.