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 Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 10:34 am
 ■ ■ ■ C R A C K F I C T H E A T E R ■ ■ ■
▁ ▁ ▁ Night of 6/19/15 ▁ ▁ ▁
crackfics are canonically impossible works of fanfiction. the following was written by multiple authors within our community.
this masterpiece was composed on a group document with multiple people attempting to write at the same time. proceed with caution.
ＴＩＴＬＥ: A Modern American Tragedy
Sponsored By:
Cronkri™ Grape-Cherry Fruit Punch, the Red Sweater Foundation,
Your friends at Buckethub, MiRaClEs.
And viewers like you!
ＡＵＴＨＯＲＳ: "Dadbert" + many more
Edited and Compiled by Crabkri
ＷＡＲＮＩＮＧＳ: Sweet Bro x Hella Jeff, GamTav, DirkJake, Fem!JohnxDave, Honey used inappropriately
▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 10:35 am
■ ■ ■ C R A C K F I C T H E A T E R ■ ■ ■
A Modern American Tragedy
▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁
And then, Gamzee whispered into taveroses ear lets have sloppy make outs mother ******** tavros said NO WE CANT I GOTTA GET THE POPCORN ON THE STOVE
Gamzee sighed and took off his mask, revealing his sweet bro face underneath.
"jeff u r the SUK at ARPING (ROLL PLYNG)"
""""""tavros"""""" (not ACTULY TAVROSS!!!!!!))))) took of his MSK and reveld that he was...
....
....
....
and then bro said "sports"
And Sollux watched it happen.
Karkat burst through the door. [Studio audience ooing] then Karkat was all like NO <********> MAKE OUT FOR YOU BITCHES.
Dave just stood there watching everything happen without a single ******** given
Sollux was standing next to him, also not giving any ********. He was also holding a sign that said he was fresh out of ******** to give.
Like none. GOOD LUCK ELSEWHERE.
Then he and Dave just fist bumbled in agreement. Then they left in there grub mobile ready to pick up some space bitches.
Some sweet a** bitches and AJ. Like the freshest AJ. Fit for gods.
AJ so fresh it can only make little girls turn into grown a** men.
A phone begins to ring, someone pick up the ******** phone, that god awful song is playing. Make it stop.
--WHATS NEW PUSSYCAT WHOAAAAAAAAA--
Sollux picks up the damn phone with his psychic powers.
"What do you want?" he asked, rather mad that someone was interrupting on his bro time with Dave.
▁ ▁ ▁ tragedy continues next post. ▁ ▁ ▁
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 10:36 am
■ ■ ■ C R A C K F I C T H E A T E R ■ ■ ■
A Modern American Tragedy
▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁
"Dave ii thiink thii2 ii2 for you." He hands the phone over to Dave. "2omethiing about plu2h rump 2tuff..."
Dave just sat there thinking to himself.....what the ******** am i doing with my life
"Sir this is urgent. People may die."
Like Sollux was going to care about the life or death of total strangers. Now, if it was his bees on the other hand, he would totally give a ******** hand the phone to Dave and this will all bee over."
Sollux already handed the phone over. Didn't you read?
who gives a ******** its fanfiction anything ******** don't know how to read.
anyways back to the story
Dave had the phone in hand and began making fun of this phone guys mom.
Dude your mom is soooo round we thought she was prospit
"Don't you talk about our mother like that young man."
Sollux is just sititng there with a jar of mind honey in his hands. "Niice."
"You're grounded."
ALL OF A SUDDEN CUPCAKES RAINED DOWN FROM THE SKY ABOVE.
"Trial by plush rump."
Go suck some smuppet butt you dork, and with that said Dave flung the phone out of the grub mobile still nith no ******** to give none the slightest
Terezi is ready. She is already waiting for you in court. OBJECTION.
Sollux was all like what the ******** are these!??! Oh <********> one got in my eye
▁ ▁ ▁ tragedy continues next post. ▁ ▁ ▁
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 10:44 am
■ ■ ■ C R A C K F I C T H E A T E R ■ ■ ■
A Modern American Tragedy
▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁
A cupcake lands on Sollux's eye. Partially blinding him until the cupcake is removed.
Dave just sat there staring at sollux as the creamy parts of the cup cake blinded him then he began to take his shirt off an flex his abs
Sollux flailed his arms around, trying to removed the delicious treat from his eye. "Dave! Dave help me! This is no time for sexy shirtless time!"
Dave responded omfg man keep your one good eye on the road we're in space damn it
NOOO. NOT UNTIL YOU REMOVED THIS DAMN CUPCAKE FROM MY OTHER EYE DAMMIT!
Bro appeared before the grub mobile on his rocket board, being pelted by cupcakes. Kinky. He pulled out a Velvety Behind Launcher.
"Trial. By. a**."
◥▶◀◤
He began rocketing smuppets at the van without mercy.
Dave stood up in the grub mobile leaning in closer to Bro flexing his manly cupcake covered abs in his bros direction trying to get his attention
Sollux no longer in control of the van as it suddenly came to life with a mind of its own. The van deciding its time to head to the rainbow smuppet convention.
"This van is my kind of guy."
going back to the beginning we see a sneaky little gamzee playing around with tavros's horns
[Peanut Butter Jelly Time plays in the distance]
Oh baby~
"oHH YEAH" ] ; )
All of a sudden, female John lands on top of Dave.
while in the broom closet Jake could be found making out with a bucket with dirks face on it.
A small salamander becomes aware of the meta and is deeply troubled. A turtle also becomes aware of the meta but simply cannot give a ********> as he does not exist.
▁ ▁ ▁ tragedy continues next post. ▁ ▁ ▁
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 10:52 am
■ ■ ■ C R A C K F I C T H E A T E R ■ ■ ■
A Modern American Tragedy
▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁
A small leprechaun is dancing int he corner watching the make out session.
the leprechaun than started to whip out his lucky charms an juggle them all around.
D I S G US T I N G
#triggered
Oh nu bruh!
They're magically sexy.
The ever omnipresent Bro appears in the closet and launched the bucket into the outer ring.
"No."
back to Dave an the gang they were still covered in cupcake goo still wondering
how the ******** its raining baked goods in space like how the ******** does that happen
One of the narrators becomes distressed, wondering if she had consumed any of Gamzee's slime pies. o-o
The third narrator ceases to exist. He doesn't really care.
Gamzee is still trying to get laid with tavros.
Also Female John is still on top of Dave.
That won't happen for at least two more acts.
So buckle up for one hell of a trip with our hosts Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff.
And now, an intermission from our sponsor, The Starlight Diner.
---ITS NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY SOMEONE, ITS NOT UNUSUAL TO BE LOVED BY ANYONE -----
But it is unusual to be loved by google eyed cookies.
And now back to out thrilling epic ASSHOLES IN SPACE
Last time John and Dave were stuck in an epic battle against the titan Smuppet.
[SIED DAS ESSEN NINE SEID DIE STRIDER]
#All the yes
Which had eaten Sollux.
its plush rainbowy a** butt started to twerk in the boys direction at full speed
"Look out Dave!" Shouted John in a dramatic manner. Swooning in an anime fashion.
this is one big a** problem Dave shouted back, literally its a big smuppet a**
▁ ▁ ▁ tragedy continues next post. ▁ ▁ ▁
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 11:00 am
■ ■ ■ C R A C K F I C T H E A T E R ■ ■ ■
A Modern American Tragedy
▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁
"I know but we must destroy it for the sake of Trollmanity!" Shouted John, raising his war hammer high like he was ******** Thor.
Bro stood atop his creation, laughing.
O HO HO HO HO
YOU'LL NEVER DEFEAT ME LITTLE BROTHER.
for some ******** reason Gamzee popped out of the grub mobile dressed as a ******** elf #Whut
"Dave, I know what we must do to defeat your brother and his army of titan Smuppets!"
John reached into his flowing cape and pulled out a bag of cool ranch doritos.
"We must use the dorito bomb Dave. it is the only way!"
Gamzee began drinking a ******** tun of faygo and started to dance around like some a*****e would if he were trying to get laid.
Bro crossed his arms and smirked a tsundere smirk, pushing up his glassed like some douche bag anime villain "They'll never find out my weakness."
All of a sudden Eridan appears. Attracted by the mating dance of the majestic Gamzee.
Gamzee jump in front of this fishy scented mother ******** an started to pinch his a** for some ******** reason
"The sensual allure that is... Dorito-Chan."
And John used the bag of cool ranch doritos to summon Dorito-Chan.
Bro's glasses twitched. She is here.
Dorito-chan is dressed in the ******** nines with pastel clothing and accessories. Her aura almost too [moist] for mere mortals to handle. She flies over to Bro and slaps dat a**.
[IM MAKING AN EXECUTIVE DECISION]
If you watch closely you can see Sollux sneaking up on Bro as he was also shirtless like Dave but covered in mind honey
Oh snap!
John used his special super secret attack on the giant beast this special attack caused the smuppet to go blind in his a**
"Sugoi."
◥▶◀◤
John fainted after using the special attack. His soul nearly spent from the amazing attack.
The smuppet can no longer sense the terror of children with it's a**, all is lost.
It throws that a** in a circle out of desperation.
And then suddenly Super magical Kawaii Girl Karkat flew in to finish the battle.
His special sugoi scepter ready to transform the titan smuppet into a cupcake.
▁ ▁ ▁ tragedy continues next post. ▁ ▁ ▁
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 11:01 am
■ ■ ■ C R A C K F I C T H E A T E R ■ ■ ■
A Modern American Tragedy
▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁
the shirtless honey covered Sollux wrapped his sticky arms around Bro and whispering into his ear, looks like were in a sticky situation now.
Its all ogre now.
"I think my d**k just inverted."
Bro said as he felt a cringe in his panties.
Somewhere in the vastness of space, someone face palms and head desks at that sentence.
And then a cookie commited suicide. Drowning itself in milk.
Delicious.
Gamzee can still be seen dancing around pinching his own clown tastic a** in excitement of the heated battle an began to shout
honk honk mother ******** : O )
Eridan in the meantime is....uh.....the narrator isn't sure what to do about this....
Cronus struts across the battle feild in only high heels, everyone at once is immobilized by their collective disgust.
Actually <******** that, everyone dropped what they were doing and ran over to fawn over the handsome sea dweller. Except his younger brother Eridan. Cause... you know.
Sollux used his honey covered body as lube an began to slide across the floor over to dave.
A Nepeta in an alternate unviserse purrs, "I can ship this :3"
"That troll boy is breaking physics. <******** phsysics. Honey is the opposite of lube. I would know."
◥▶◀◤
Bro stood ontop of the smuppit while only wearing hello kitty panties.
◥▶◀◤
#Thatshit #istoosexy
Gamzee then pulled a unicycles from out of his crotch pocket an started to ride over to everyone.
WHAT THE <********> ARE WE DOING!? WHAT MESS HAVE WE CREATED!? OMG. WHY!?
we created art!!!!
How is this art!? xD
So wait are we going to continue this s**t fest
PUT IT TO REST
LET IT DIE
▁ ▁ ▁ comments continue next post. ▁ ▁ ▁
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 11:15 am
■ ■ ■ C R A C K F I C T H E A T E R ■ ■ ■
A Modern American Tragedy
▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁ ▁
# ######
a**
a** a**
####
a**
a** #
a**
a**
a**
a**
a** WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE CHOO CHOO ********. ALL ABOARD THE TRAIN OF WHATEVER THE ******** THIS IS.
a**
a**
a**
a**
a**
a** #############################
I'
m going to have to ask you to calm down
That it. I'm done.
THis is much for me.
I'm sorry but I have to ollie out of this s**t before it consumes my soul.
IT WANTS TO EAT ME! DX
(V) (◥▶ ww ◀◤) (V)
( | ) (◥▶ ww ◀◤) ( | )
(V) (^ ww ^) (V)
( | ) (' ww ') ( | )
(V) (◥▶ ww ◀◤) (V)
( | ) (' ww ') ( | )
^ What the ********? ^
How long has that been there!?
who ever reads the bottum go back up its amazing
tldr - Bro should not be allowed withing a 50 mile range of children
▁ ▁ ▁ tragedy ends. ▁ ▁ ▁
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Posted: Sun Jun 21, 2015 11:20 am
┄ ┄ ┄  ┄ ┄ ┄
ＣＲＡＢＫＲＩ: story documentation concludes here!
┄ ┄ ┄ -╳ ╳ ╳- ┄ ┄ ┄
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