Listen up you ********, this is where you'll find the lessons of the week. We'll spend two weeks on a spell, and then a week on first aid, per semester. Why first aid? Because it's ******** important to learn if you wanna be a healer. So sit down, shut up, and let me do my job. If you're having trouble with something, though, let me know and we'll schedule some time to work after school.
Third Years
Diagnosis - This is probably one of the most important spells you'll learn. In a nutshell, Diagnosis is a utility spell that gives you information on the patient's body. Pulse, breathing, the whole shebang. Why is it important? It'll tell you if there's anything wrong with your patient. Blood clots, broken bones, scrapes, anything you need. The only catch? It won't tell you where the problem is - that's another spell entirely. Diagnosis tells you if there is a broken bone, but it won't tell you where the broken bone is, for examples. To cast it, open your mind to the patient's body, and let it tell you its information. This is a passive spell, and with practice, you'll be casting it without realizing it. Go ahead, use it on your partner for practice.
Fourth Years
Set - Guess what? You have bones on your desks today! There's a reason for this, mind you. We're learning Set today. Set is pretty simple. Instead of the mundane doctor way of yanking on a patient's arm to put the bone back in its place, we use set to shift the bone back to its proper position. This can be used for dislocations and broken bones, by the way - in a couple weeks I'll teach you the different types of splints and how to make them, so it's useful to know Set first before you do that. So, practice on that bone in front of you. Go on, go!
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2014 5:13 pm
Week Two
Third Years
Diagnosis - So you think you mastered Diagnosis? ******** no you didn't. Practice more. And more. This spell's all about constantly practicing. Cast it on the kid you pass in the hall. Cast it on that one housemate that snores all damn night. Cast it on that a*****e who just won't ******** shut up. Cast it often and constantly - remember, you want this spell to be as second nature as possible. You want to be able to cast it and not even realize you're doing so, because trust me, it will make your life so much easier. Cast it until you can detect pulse, breathing quality, bone quality, digestive tract status, blood status, vein status... you get the picture. Come to me at the end of the week and tell me as many things about my body as you can detect.
Fourth Years
Set - Hey, so I noticed a lot of you were ******** up pretty badly with placing the bone correctly. (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Ryan. Take your damn earbuds out when I talk to you.) So we're gonna take another week to work on this. This time, instead of practicing on bones, I want you to practice on the jigsaw puzzle I've left on your desk first. No, don't put it together, you dumbass! Cast Set on it and try to make the entire puzzle with a wave of your hand. Once you've got that down, let me know and I'll give you a broken bone again. By the end of the week, I fully expect you to be able to set the bone properly. And hurry the ******** up, because we're moving on next week.
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Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 1:54 pm
Week Three
Third Years
The Three Cs - Well, you ought to know Diagnosis cold by now - I'm sure everyone can sense the bruise on Talren's knee. If you can't, then you obviously didn't practice and you really ******** should. But that's besides the point - today we're moving on. And by moving on I mean it's time to teach you kids some actual first ******** aid.
So today we're gonna chat about the Three Cs. If you are ever in any situation where you have a patient to care for, the Three Cs should be the first damn things you do. What are they and what order do you do them in? It varies a little bit, but I'll talk about the most common order.
Check - This should be the first damn thing you do every time you run into someone in trouble. This is about when you should cast Diagnosis - check on them to see what the problem is. Check if they're unconscious or not, their breathing, et cetera. Diagnosis should do a lot of this for you, but the old-fashioned methods aren't so bad. Tap the person's shoulder and shout "ARE YOU OKAY?" at them. If you know their name, shout that too. If you're dealing with an infant, flick their foot. Find out the general situation.
Call - After you've ascertained the situation for yourself, you need to call. Unless you are a fully certified healer, you're going to do this step. I don't care how confident you are in your magic, you will need to contact the highest authority you can depending on the severity of the situation. If possible, get someone else to call, but don't just say "someone get the senior healer!" No. You know why? Mob mentality is going to get to whoever's around, and everyone will just assume someone else will do it. So point someone out. Point to the girl in front of you and say "Hey, you with the streaked hair! Get the senior healer now! Tell them [insert patient's situation here]!" That way, someone will actually do it instead of everyone going "I thought someone ELSE took care of it!"
Care - This is the part where you start administering first aid. Diagnosis should have told you what's wrong with the person, so use that information and act accordingly. If the person needs to have a bone set, do it. If they need to be healed, cast Aura (we'll learn that next week). If the person needs CPR, then CPR the s**t out of them.
Now, there's an exception to the order of the Three Cs, and that's if you're alone and the person is unconscious. Odds are, you don't know how long they've been out, and if Diagnosis tells you that they aren't breathing and don't have a pulse and are clinically dead, you need to restart their clock. The human body's brain activity ceases after about 5 minutes and after that they're dead and gone. (Elves and dwarves are roughly the same.) So in that case, you need to Check, Care, and Call. Performing CPR on a person who is clinically dead restarts their clock back to five minutes every time. So once you've completed a round of that (and we'll be going over CPR at a later time) you have about five minutes to call for help before their time runs out.
Hopefully it won't ever come to that. Next week we're learning probably the spell you're going to use most - Aura.
Fourth Years
Splints - So for you dumbasses that didn't waste the last week and learned Set properly, we're gonna talk about splints and the appropriate time to use each one. I'll teach you about the two most basic ones and we'll go from there.
Hard Splint - this is most useful for broken bones and other injuries that cannot be disturbed at all. Hard splints are made up of two hard, flat objects (preferably boards), something to bind them together (string, rope, cord) and a sling (a sheet of cloth is a good one). To put it together, put one board under the person's arm and tell them to grip it from the short end. Then put the other one on top and get someone to hold them together while you tie them in place. If you did it right, the person's arm should be entirely immobile. (I'm sure you can figure out how to do this for legs as well.) Then support it in a sling, which you can just tie behind their neck, and you should be good to go. Nasty sprain? Hard splint. Broken bone? Hard splint. Compound fracture with bone sticking out of the skin? Set it first, then hard splint. It isn't hard.
Soft Splint - I'm sure you saw this coming. Soft splints are helpful for injuries that just need to be cushioned. Works wonders on stretched muscles and milder sprains. For this one, you need something soft, like a pillow (it MUST be able to fold around the limb), cord to tie it, and a sling. This one's easy - just wrap the soft thing around the affected area, tie it in place, and drop that puppy in a sling. Someone strained their muscles too much? Soft splint. Mild sprain? Soft splint.
Splints are pretty handy when you've got limb injuries and don't want to jostle the limb too much. Fortunately for you, I've left some supplies around the classroom. Feel free to practice splints on your classmates, but if I catch anyone touching the frogs I'll give them a reason to get a splint.
Next week we're moving on to Shock.
Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 2:21 pm
Week Four
Third Years
Aura - This is probably the most important spell you're gonna learn. Aura is an all-around healing spell that will heal pretty much whatever physical would you come across. The stronger the caster, the stronger the spell - simple as that. Now, obviously it's tough to practice without any injuries to heal, so I'm gonna come by each of you and hit your knee with a small rubber mallet. When the bruise forms, try to cast Aura on it. You have to imagine the wound fading away.
A word of warning though: NEVER cast this spell on an infected wound or a wound with debris of any sort inside it. Aura will heal you, but it will not take care of foreign s**t. That's why we're starting with bruises. You can practice on your own time, but take care that whatever you're healing is cleaned completely before you do so. (We'll be covering how to clean wounds in a couple weeks.)
Fourth Years
Shock - You kids from mundane households - you ever seen those shows where the paramedics try to bring the dead guy back to life by zapping them with some paddles? That's exactly what you're going to do here. It works very similarly, except your hands are the shock paddles. (If anyone is a sparkwielder, this should be very easy for you to master.) As you guys should know from Magic Theory (that is, if you ******** paid any goddamn attention), magic and electricity are very similar. So imagine your magic gathering around your palms, flowing there, building up more and more, enough magic to jumpstart someone's heart, because that's essentially what you'd be using this to do.
Now, in order to use this effectively, you're gonna need skin contact. I have a few training dummies in the classroom, so line up and wait for your turn. When you're ready, place your palms on the dummy's chest and zap it with your built-up magic power. Keep in mind if this were a real-life situation, yes, you would need to rip their shirt off. I don't care if they've got boobs or not, it comes off before you zap them or it won't be nearly as effective. We'll continue working on this next week.
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Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 2:29 pm
Week Five
Third Years
Aura - Okay, obviously some of you aren't getting the whole healing thing going on here. Aura is the number one healing spell you will have in your arsenal - with practice, you can even heal internal wounds (though I wouldn't recommend it, seeing as you can't see what kind of damage you'd be doing). So practice some damn more because this is like, the most important spell you will learn in your entire damn school career. Why? Because kids get hurt a lot here, and the nurse ain't always around to fix 'em. So other students will be looking to you to heal their asses.
So practice, ya numbnuts.
Fourth Years
Shock - Guess what? We're working on this some more! I know, shocker, right? That... that was a pun. You can laugh. It's fine. Anyway, practice some more on the dummies and NOT ON EACH OTHER! I SEE YOU BACK THERE. Don't touch the frogs either. Focus on controlling the amount of shock this week, seeing as a lot of you just shocked all willy-nilly and didn't bother thinking about how much power is too much. You need to strike that balance - zap too much, and you'll pop your patient's heart. Zap too little, and you won't jumpstart them at all. I've added a charm on the dummies today, so if you zap too much or too little they'll glow red. When you zap 'em just right, they'll glow green.
Posted: Mon Oct 13, 2014 2:45 pm
Week Six
Third Years
Cleaning Wounds - Alright, so you got a patient that's bleeding all the ******** over the place, right? First instinct would be to cast Aura, right? But wait - your Diagnosis spell is ringing alarm bells, saying the wound is infected! What do you do? Well, you could cast Flush, but that's a last resort and you ******** don't know it yet. So, the only option is to clean the wound by hand.
First off, you want to get rid of the blood and any debris you can at first. Wash the wound with the cleanest water you can find to clear out the blood and maybe any dirt. If there's obvious debris after that, pick it out with tweezers or Levitate or something. Just get it out. Keep casting Diagnosis until it tells you that it's clear of debris. But, it's still crawling with bacteria. What to do?
Drown that s**t in hydrogen peroxide. I'm serious. Carry some of this stuff around with you all the time - you can buy it in the pharmacy. It kills bacteria like nobody's business. Sure, it stings, but your patient can suck it the ******** up and deal. You're the one saving their a**.
Now that Diagnosis is telling you the wound is totally clean, now you can cast Aura and close that s**t up without any worry. Good job. Give yourself a pat on the back.
Fourth Years
State of Shock - So, for the last couple weeks we've been learning Shock, right? Today we're gonna talk about the state of shock. Shock occurs when a person is dehydrated, suffers a significant blood loss, has reduced blood pressure, has an allergic reaction, or has nerve damage. They usually display signs of anxiety, clammy skin, lightheadedness, confusion, chest pain, nausea, thirst, rapid or shallow breathing... so on and so forth. If a person is shocked, then you need to make sure they're breathing about every five minutes, keep them on their back, and lift their feet about 30 cm off the ground.
If you think moving them will harm them though, don't do it. Leave them flat. And definitely don't move them if they have spinal, head, neck, back, or leg injuries. If they start to puke, turn their head for them because they're probably unable to do so themselves. Unless they have a spinal injury, in which case just stabilize their neck and then move their entire body so they can puke their guts out.
Shock is no laughing matter. I have seen people die from it. So it's important to fix whatever is wrong ASAP, like most injuries. Stay safe, and if anyone's in shock, you know what to do.
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Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2014 3:19 pm
Week Seven
Third Years
Defibrillate - Here's a useful spell for you kids in puberty. Defibrillate is a helpful spell if you need to wake someone up in a jiffy. Basically, you use your magic to send a little shock through their system, sort of, to help them get the ******** up and stop lazing around. It's pretty easy, it's just the method of the spell may prove to be... awkward for some of you.
You see, the magic is transmitted through lips. So, er, you're going to have to practice your kissing skills. Not on each other! I have some practice dummies that you can use. Just use some disinfectant wipes when you're done. The dummies are charmed to light up when you do this correctly, so just practice til you get it.
Oh, gross! No! What the ******** are you thinking? Don't throw tongue in there, that's disgusting! Keep that in the dorms!
Fourth Years
Lunesta - This one's great for all the people you know that have sleep problems. Lunesta is a spell that removes fatigue and induces sleep at the same time. However, the way it works is kind of strange. Casting it spawns forth this green a** butterfly. I'm not kidding. And then once it touches the target (it moves in a slow, straight light, so make sure your target isn't moving) the target will pass out. Once they wake up, they'll be fully rested, though the length of time that they'll be out can vary. So just practice at the wall - once you get the butterfly to pop out, you should be good. Next week I'll permit you to practice on my frogs, but only if you're careful. Don't try this on anyone either, I don't want to hear from Caedah or Marco that you're putting people to sleep in the middle of class.
Posted: Mon Oct 27, 2014 9:00 pm
Week Eight
Third Years
Defibrillate - Wow, what a shocking twist - all of you are sucking at this! Clearly your kissing techniques are subpar. Or maybe you dumbasses haven't had your first kiss yet? What a bunch of losers. I'll have you know I made out with tons of girls when I was your age! And I didn't wuss out of it because I was embarrassed! Ugh. CLEARLY, you all need some work, so let's take a week out of my precious lesson plan and work on this some more. In the meantime, why don't you ******** go get a date and learn how to kiss like regular people? It ain't that hard! In fact, practice on my frogs. Who the ******** knows, maybe one of them's a prince in disguise and you'll hit the damn jackpot. Or maybe, in a more shocking twist, you'll just kiss one of them into some weird frog-human hybrid that is then forced to adapt to human life and tries to find a way to change back but can't and is forced to pretend to be a human with a shitty skin condition! And then I'll be pissed at you for all eternity for ******** up my frogs!
On second thought, don't kiss the frogs. Trust me. I know where they've been.
Fourth Years
Lunesta - Stop. Just. Just stop. Yeah, you back there, Ryan, don't think I don't see you casting that s**t on other kids in class! SPECIFICALLY when I told you not to. Apparently, you ******** haven't learned how to use this properly or responsibly, so let's talk about this more. Cast that green butterfly, and aim it AWAY from other people. After it lands, count the seconds until it disappears. The longer it takes to disappear, the longer the spell will naturally hold. Of course, you can wake those ******** up with Defib, but depending on who you're casting this on I don't think you'll want to. Work on this s**t some more, and we'll move on to some more first aid talk text week.
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Posted: Tue Nov 04, 2014 6:42 pm
Week Nine
Third Years
CPR - Hey, so you learned Defib. Good for you. Time to learn what to do when you CAN'T use it.
Defib can only be reliably used under a specific circumstance: when you can find the victim's pulse, and if the victim is breathing. In that case, they're basically textbook unconscious, no need for any fancy s**t. But if they're NOT breathing and don't have a pulse, well that just throws a wrench in the whole process don't it. You might have noticed that the training dummies are out again today - well, we're going to be using them.
We'll have a talk about CPR, a quick crash course. First off, don't be afraid of hurting the patient - they're dead. They can't feel pain, and they have a very, very slim chance of getting back. To do CPR properly, find the center of the patient's chest, lace your fingers of one hand with the other via the back of your hand and put your hands there. Then pump to the tune of "Stayin' Alive". I wish I was joking. It's 30 beats in 18 seconds, so you do 30 beats, and then deliver two short breathes via their mouth. Yes. You have to kiss a dead body. Shut up and get over it, I haven't even mentioned the possibility of it projectile vomiting.
Anyway, repeat until someone more experience can come. Don't worry if you break a bone or two, because if the person comes back to life then hey. Good job. If the person's pulse/breathing comes back, then you can perform a Defib to wake them up completely.
CPR isn't that complex, but to be honest that's just a crash course. There's a lot more to it than that, so come to my office later if you're interested in finding out more.
Fourth Years
Spell - to be edited later; probably something on choking.
