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 Posted: Thu Dec 05, 2013 3:20 pm
I've tried coming out to my best friend and a few others, but they just keep thinking I'm lesbian and very much in the closet. I'm panromantic grey-asexual. I've told my mom about my sexuality and she seems supportive for now. Still others think I'm lesbian or say that I'm asexual because of the events that caused my ptsd. It's very confusing sometimes to try and talk to my loved ones about who I am or try to get them to understand, but all I know is that this is who I am with or without labels and I'm getting to a place were I'm moving forward with my transition goals and it is making me very happy.
I feel neutral gender wise, but I like to do and learn a little bit of everything whether it's cooking, how to fix cars, how to train pets, or how to paint with watercolors. I love learning no matter who it's supposed to be for. Fashion wise I love dapper clothing and I wish to wear that style one day. I also love kawaii fashion, but I like more looking at it than wearing it. My current wardrobe is mainly t-shirts and jeans with hoodies and the occasional hat with animal ears 4laugh I have a colorful side, but once I get a chest binder I'll be able to bring that out a little more without feeling exposed.
If you have any questions feel free to ask and comment if you would like.
If you want to learn more about neutrois or asexuality here are a few sites:http://neutrois.com/http://neutrois.me/http://www.asexuality.org/home/
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Posted: Fri Dec 06, 2013 5:49 pm
As the day gets closer to filling out the name change papers I am hesitating. I don't know if I should go with Alexandra and just go with Alex? Or should I just go with a name that I've always liked, Julian? I've also thought about Brice. I wonder if I shouldn't change my name just yet till I have made up my mind in what name I want. I know Julian is too gendered in one direction and Brice or Alex would be a good fit for me. I'm going with Alexandra because I don't want to cause my family discomfort in my name change.
Then I wonder, why the hell do I want to please them? It should be about what I feel and not how others are going to feel. Who gives a damn about what others feel? I'm the one making the change. What does it matter if the name is usually used for one gender or another? It's going to be my name and I am me. It doesn't matter the gender. I feel so dizzy from all this thinking about names.
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Posted: Fri Dec 06, 2013 10:18 pm
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Posted: Thu Dec 19, 2013 10:57 am
Saw this quote today and I felt like it spoke to me. I'm in a good mood today and it's super rainy and cold outside, but I don't care! Bring on the good moods. 4laugh "My awesomeness cannot be contained by the gender binary" ~Lain
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Posted: Wed Dec 25, 2013 11:08 pm
Talked to my psy. doc. on Monday and turns out my blood results aren't so good. I'm borderline diabetes so she suggested that I need to change my diet and lose weight as soon as possible. I also talked to someone else last week and they told me I have a circulation problem that I need to get checked out. They couldn't tell me specifics, but so far my chest binder plans will have to be put on hold till I can physically be healthier to be able to wear a binder. I'm bummed to say the least. I haven't worn my compression bras this week because everytime I started to wear them I would get dizzy and my shortness of breath was even worse than it normally is. They weren't great at compressing, but it was enough to make me feel a little better.
I feel so sad, but at least the diabetes is something I can work on and till I find out what's wrong with my circulation (hope it isn't incurable whatever it may be) my slow process of transition will be put on hold.
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Posted: Sun Jan 05, 2014 8:25 pm
I'm coming out to my therapy group tomorrow morning. I'm super nervous and my hands are soooo sweaty right now just thinking about what I'm going to say or how they might react. I realized that I can't live hiding away anymore. I've tried coming out a few times over the last year, but it never really worked out. I don't know how it's going to go tomorrow, but I hope that at least they'll be able to understand a little. I'm soooo anxious. I'm also changing my horrible case worker because there's no need for me to be with her anymore. She doesn't understand me and we are too different. I'm nervous about that too, but if I don't do it tomorrow I'll keep putting it off till next year. Wish me luck and hope things turn out for the best.
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Posted: Mon Jan 06, 2014 3:44 pm
good luck i believe in you >u
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Posted: Mon Jan 06, 2014 8:13 pm
Samurai_Zatoichi good luck i believe in you >u Thanks Zato! I came out to one person instead of the group (I wasn't ready), but she was very supportive and kind. She also thought my chosen name is cute whee She said I can come and talk to her any time I need or if I'm just confused and need someone to sort things out with. I wasn't able to change my case manager because she wasn't there (she's still on vacation) so I'll have to do that next week.
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Posted: Thu Jan 09, 2014 11:29 pm
I came out as Asexual to my therapy group today. No one said anything about it. I was nervous, but I don't want to keep hiding anymore. I want to feel proud of who I am. I got praise from a woman after the session was over and she was telling me that she's been celibate for 20+ years and she's perfectly happy. I was happy today being me and not feeling shame for who I am.
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Posted: Wed Jan 22, 2014 1:35 pm
Saw my new case worker yesterday. He's going to help me find a transgender support group! 4laugh He didn't judge me like my other case worker did or try to talk me out of it. Instead he's helping me talk to others who feel like me and meet up locally. I'm so excited and nervous at the same time. I'll meet with my case worker weekly so I'll be able to have the information on groups by next week.
I'm also going to be taking a self defense class at my local police station. I want to start not feeling helpless. I also don't want anyone to mess with me ninja
Lastly, my name change is going to be on hold for a while. I need to save up the money for the newspaper ad. This is something I won't ask anyone to help me with. It's something I want to do for myself. The name change will probably happen in the middle of the year. I also decided on my name, Alex Brice. cool
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Posted: Fri Jan 31, 2014 4:49 pm
I talked with my new case worker the other day. He's so much better than my old one. I told him how it's difficult for me to take a shower or see myself in the mirror or just take care of myself in general because I'm not who I want to be. That this body isn't how I see myself on the inside and I get so down about it that I stopped caring.
He asked me what my favorite pie was and I said cherry. He then got his notepad and drew this:
I try to remember that I am more than what struggles I'm going through with right now. That's I'm also a being with different talents and different roles to play. It has been easier to take care of myself this week when I see this pie chart up on my wall. That even though gender/sexuality is a piece of myself it doesn't mean I should let go of all of myself either.
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Posted: Tue Feb 18, 2014 6:22 pm
My therapist and I reached a compromise about losing weight. I'm considered obese and I have high blood pressure and pre-diabetes. If I don't do anything to get healthier I'm going to get very sick. I still struggle with losing weight because I don't like the positive complements and I don't like feeling that people are looking at me in a sexual way when they see my body change (I don't even like when people look at me know, being obese). My therapist suggested I buy a very baggy sweater and wear that. That way when I start losing the weight no one will notice because I'll have this baggy sweater on and people won't be able to see me as a sexual anything because most won't be able to tell if I'm a man or woman (since the sweater will hide my curves). Found the perfect sweater at Target and it's on sale hehehe. 4laugh
I'm looking forward to losing the weight and once I get to accepting myself as a person and not just some blob in a baggy sweater I'll start wearing more of what I want hopefully.
http://www.target.com/p/c9-by-champion-men-s-zip-up-hoodie-assorted-colors/-/A-14963610#prodSlot=medium_1_1
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Posted: Wed Feb 19, 2014 9:06 pm
Raving Dapper My therapist and I reached a compromise about losing weight. I'm considered obese and I have high blood pressure and pre-diabetes. If I don't do anything to get healthier I'm going to get very sick. I still struggle with losing weight because I don't like the positive complements and I don't like feeling that people are looking at me in a sexual way when they see my body change (I don't even like when people look at me know, being obese). My therapist suggested I buy a very baggy sweater and wear that. That way when I start losing the weight no one will notice because I'll have this baggy sweater on and people won't be able to see me as a sexual anything because most won't be able to tell if I'm a man or woman (since the sweater will hide my curves). Found the perfect sweater at Target and it's on sale hehehe. 4laugh
I'm looking forward to losing the weight and once I get to accepting myself as a person and not just some blob in a baggy sweater I'll start wearing more of what I want hopefully. http://www.target.com/p/c9-by-champion-men-s-zip-up-hoodie-assorted-colors/-/A-14963610#prodSlot=medium_1_1 yay glad to hear that :3 Didn't know that you didn't want to be seen in a sexual light before o 3 o interesting to know x3
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Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 11:56 am
ZephyAlurus yay glad to hear that :3 Didn't know that you didn't want to be seen in a sexual light before o 3 o interesting to know x3
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Posted: Thu Feb 20, 2014 5:53 pm
Today I stayed home from group therapy because of back pain. I managed to call a few resources from some pages my therapist gave me out of a book. I wanted to find a support group for trans people, but most are either FTM or MTF. I couldn't find any genderqueer or non-binary. Also most of these places are about 2 hours away from me and meetings are held at night or late afternoons. I don't feel right calling myself FTM because I know I'm not. I don't like to lie by omission either. Someone might miss an opportunity because I took a spot that isn't mine to take. I guess for now I'll keep looking at the other resources and once I get my driver's license I'll be able to drive myself to the places that I need to go in less time.
For now I'm just focusing on my back getting better, working out, eating better, driver's license, and saving up money for my legal name change.
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