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FMA fanfic (I haven't come up with a name for it just yet)

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OwnedByChad

PostPosted: Mon Jul 15, 2013 7:01 pm


I’m afraid, I’m afraid of being left behind. I know one day I’m going to be forgotten. I don’t want that to happen. I blend in too much as it is. Or I stand out so much that people ignore me.
Except for Ling. He’s the only one who ever sees me for who I am. “Hey, Nessa! Keep up, otherwise you’ll fall behind!” I instantly realized I had been spacing out again. “Thanks Ling!” I mentally scolded myself as I continued walking.

There really was no time to be spacing out like that. I should have been paying attention to Ling. That way I could protect him and keep him safe. The only reason I was asked to come along was to keep me from worrying about Ling. Ling also listens to me more than he listens to Lan Fan and Fu.

I’m not sure if Ling knows this or not but I've always been by his side since he found me. We all have. Lan Fan and Fu have been by his side longer than I have though. I was stranded in the desert of Shing when Ling first found me.

I was only ten at the time being. I have no memories of how I ended up there or anything from my past. By the time Ling found me I was half delusional and close to loosing consciousness. It turned out that I’d been going without food and water for several hours.
Now, six years later, the four of us are headed to Amestris in search of immortality. Whichever clan finds it first becomes the new emperor of Shing. Lan Fan, Fu and I would do anything to keep Ling safe while we search for immortality, even if it meant sacrificing our lives for him. That is how important this is to us all.

For some reason I have a bad feeling about all this. It feels like we’re going to get caught up in something really bad, something evil. I’m not even sure if we’ll make it all out alive. Then again, I could just be worrying about absolutely nothing. Since I don’t want to worry anyone else I keep it to myself.

Suddenly, Ling turns around and stops. He then starts to walk toward me. I bite my lip a little waiting for him to reach me. “Nessa, are you okay?” “I’m fine Ling. My minds just not here right now.” “What’s on your mind? Does it have to do with our search?” I shake my head, not wanting him to think I'm weak. "Just thinking about..." I searched my mind for anything that wouldn't cause him trouble. "How exciting this all is!"

I looked at Ling, smiling as best as I could. He looked at me and frowned. "Nessa, you were biting your lip. I know something's wrong when you bite your lip." I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm just getting a bad feeling, that's all. It's probably nothing. I don't want you to stop the search just because of me."

He looked at me before he sighed. "Nessa... there's no need to feel that way. Trust me, I'm a little uneasy too. I won't be mad if you want to stop the search." He smiles calmly at me before I look away, blushing. "It's fine. Let's just keep moving."

Ling looked a little confused. "Are you sure?" I glared at him a little. "Positive." My tone is only a little harsh. He sighs. "Okay." After Ling had walked away Fu came up to me. "Dear child, what is the matter? I sigh, again. "I have a really bad feeling but I don't want to stop the search. I know how much this means to Ling."
PostPosted: Sat Oct 19, 2013 12:54 pm


OwnedByChad
I’m afraid, I’m afraid of being left behind. I know one day I’m going to be forgotten. I don’t want that to happen. I blend in too much as it is. Or I stand out so much that people ignore me.
Except for Ling. He’s the only one who ever sees me for who I am. “Hey, Nessa! Keep up, otherwise you’ll fall behind!” I instantly realized I had been spacing out again. “Thanks Ling!” I mentally scolded myself as I continued walking.

There really was no time to be spacing out like that. I should have been paying attention to Ling. That way I could protect him and keep him safe. The only reason I was asked to come along was to keep me from worrying about Ling. Ling also listens to me more than he listens to Lan Fan and Fu.

I’m not sure if Ling knows this or not but I've always been by his side since he found me. We all have. Lan Fan and Fu have been by his side longer than I have though. I was stranded in the desert of Shing when Ling first found me.

I was only ten at the time being. I have no memories of how I ended up there or anything from my past. By the time Ling found me I was half delusional and close to loosing consciousness. It turned out that I’d been going without food and water for several hours.
Now, six years later, the four of us are headed to Amestris in search of immortality. Whichever clan finds it first becomes the new emperor of Shing. Lan Fan, Fu and I would do anything to keep Ling safe while we search for immortality, even if it meant sacrificing our lives for him. That is how important this is to us all.

For some reason I have a bad feeling about all this. It feels like we’re going to get caught up in something really bad, something evil. I’m not even sure if we’ll make it all out alive. Then again, I could just be worrying about absolutely nothing. Since I don’t want to worry anyone else I keep it to myself.

Suddenly, Ling turns around and stops. He then starts to walk toward me. I bite my lip a little waiting for him to reach me. “Nessa, are you okay?” “I’m fine Ling. My minds just not here right now.” “What’s on your mind? Does it have to do with our search?” I shake my head, not wanting him to think I'm weak. "Just thinking about..." I searched my mind for anything that wouldn't cause him trouble. "How exciting this all is!"

I looked at Ling, smiling as best as I could. He looked at me and frowned. "Nessa, you were biting your lip. I know something's wrong when you bite your lip." I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. "I'm just getting a bad feeling, that's all. It's probably nothing. I don't want you to stop the search just because of me."

He looked at me before he sighed. "Nessa... there's no need to feel that way. Trust me, I'm a little uneasy too. I won't be mad if you want to stop the search." He smiles calmly at me before I look away, blushing. "It's fine. Let's just keep moving."

Ling looked a little confused. "Are you sure?" I glared at him a little. "Positive." My tone is only a little harsh. He sighs. "Okay." After Ling had walked away Fu came up to me. "Dear child, what is the matter? I sigh, again. "I have a really bad feeling but I don't want to stop the search. I know how much this means to Ling."


If you don't mind, can I give you a bit of friendly criticism? For one, two characters should not speak in the same paragraph, because seperate thoughts are supposed to start a new paragraph. So when another character goes to speak, create a new paragraph for it. Also, it seems to be lacking some depth. It felt like I was reading a string of words, that felt more like information being pelted at me, then a characters real thoughts and feelings. It only needs a few tweaks, maybe a bit of care in certain points so i can feel the emotions, but over all it was pretty good.

Might I suggest a couple titles as well? Something like, "By his side," or "The Protector." Would fit real nice I think.

The-Elder-Elric-Brother

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