Perhaps you can relate to a time in your life where you were unforgiving, because I know I have. I used to hold grudges for years and I had a friend at the time that said it was hard for her to keep a grudge for more than a day and I always thought, "That's so stupid. Why put grudges behind you after someone made you so angry, embarrassed, or upset?!" So I ignored it for a while and with grudges - it feels like a heavy weight being pressed on your shoulders. At first, one grudge may feel like a little weight, but grudges over time can feel like you're walking with hundreds of pounds on you in a spiritual sense. I remember it all stacking on my shoulders and I hated after a while trying to keep up with grudges - always thinking of how someone upset me, made me angry, or embarrassed me. It clouded my thoughts after having so many grudges. I'd see a person I had a grudge against and couldn't help but try to avoid them or say something rude. I eventually realized this is not how a Christian is supposed to be. In grudges there is no love, no joy, no self-control, no kindness, no goodness, and it's not a faithful action either.
I'm sure you've all heard the saying "forgive and forget" from many people - perhaps someone even told that to you when they wanted you to forgive them. I will say that yes, forgiveness is something that we should do, even if it isn't easy. However, the "forget" I feel makes the sentence inaccurate. No where that I know of says, "Forgive and forget" in the Bible and correct me if I'm wrong. We will remember many things and we may always remember when someone wronged us, but that doesn't mean we can't forgive them. Once we forgive somebody, it makes it easier to push the whole situation behind us and forget it in a way.
The act of forgiving is found many places in the Bible:
Matthew 16:12 - 15 NIV:
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.’
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Colossians 3:13 NIV:
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31 - 32 NIV:
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Luke 23:33 - 34 NIV:
When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
Matthew 5:23 - 24 NIV:
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
2 Corinthians 2:10 - 11 NIV:
Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.
And forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from the evil one.’
For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Colossians 3:13 NIV:
Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31 - 32 NIV:
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Luke 23:33 - 34 NIV:
When they came to the place called the Skull, they crucified him there, along with the criminals—one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” And they divided up his clothes by casting lots.
Matthew 5:23 - 24 NIV:
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
2 Corinthians 2:10 - 11 NIV:
Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes.
Jesus was able to forgive people that were crucifying him! So why can't we forgive people as easily as He forgave? This is a quality I'm sure all of us can work on, including myself. Sometimes I'm in awe when I think, "I can't forgive that person because they did this one thing that one time." and they weren't trying to crucify me so why is it so hard to forgive them? What makes forgiving most difficult is the bitterness and hatred that comes with it - it makes our hearts hard and unloving towards a situation or a person. We must not be this way according to The Holy Bible. Unforgiveness is something that Satan can actively use in our hearts.
I found a sermon on a website that had a portion saying "symptoms of unforgiveness and it seems to be a good way of identifying unforgiveness in our hearts. I will post it below:
SYMPTOMS OF UNFORGIVENESS:
These are some ways by which you may know that you are offended or that someone is offended at you and that you are still in unforgiveness and bitterness:
- When you think of that person, does your heart leap up with love and joy for him?
- Do you desire to have fellowship with them or do you try to avoid them?
- Do you have no blame or condemnation of them or for them?
- Do you say or feel in your heart: “I forgive them, but I don’t have to like them”?
- Do you still make up speeches of what you are going to say to them, or what you should have said to them?
- Do you still think that they should hurt or should pay for what they have done to you?
- Do you still think of ways to get even with them?
- Do you sometimes think hard thoughts and have to repent, only to think those hard thoughts again and have to repent, over and over?
- Do you have strong emotional reactions when you think of or see the person who hurt you?
- Can you sincerely pray for this person and bless them, sincerely desiring to see them blessed?
- Can you, and do you honestly rejoice when good things happen for the person who wounded you?
Symptoms of unforgiveness involve unresolved anger and resentment targeted towards a person because of an offense. Here are more symptoms of unforgiveness:
1. Do you continue to feel the need to be Separated from the person?:
- You do not want to talk to the person or have them in your presence.
- If you are in their presence, you keep your distance from them.
- You do not make normal eye-contact during conversation.
- Anger, hurt, bitterness, and resentment is rising up inside you and growing, thereby defiling others.
- You give them the silent treatment when you are in their presence.
- You are offended and begin to build up “spiritual” bars to shut them out.
- You hide from the person and pretend not to be available when they need help.
- You do not admit when you are wrong (This is the spirit of pride – a deadly sin).
- You do not do what you should do in normal circumstance. You may be satisfied to get someone else to perform your service.
2. Do you continue to make Accusations against the person?:
- You complain to others about the person and desire for others to join in agreement with your complaint.
- You tell blatant lies on the person who hurt you.
- You tell the story or a story with exaggeration and half-truths to draw people on your side.
- You blame the person for the hurt and pain that you have. – You fail to take responsibility for your own emotions.
- You speak to the person or about them in hints.
- You rail against the person. (Argumentative, harsh words, fussing, mocking, name calling, smart retorts, even cursing).
- You come easily into agreement with evil thoughts about them.
- You are constantly bringing up past hurts; which are still fresh in the mind, no matter how long ago.
3. Are you constantly involved in Strife and/or bringing about Division?:
- You are anxious to talk about the person behind their back. (“Don’t tell her I said this…”)
- You tell the same story over and over again, trying to make them look guilty and to make yourself look good.
- You are quick to start a fight or register a complaint, and you probably don’t recognize it, because you justify yourself in doing so.
- You hold the person hostage emotionally with constant negative talk and hard actions.
- You are short with them when they try to talk or converse with you.
- You don’t have time for them when they try to engage with you.
- You may set a trap to cause them to fall.
- You don’t want them to touch you. You resist their advances toward you, toward reconciliation and toward peace.
- You find it easy to enter into a scheme to hurt them, or defraud them.
- You have no peace yourself and you break the peace in an atmosphere.
- You try to make them feel guilty in order to make yourself feel good.
- If the person is a spouse, family member, church brother, etc., you do not want to share with them as a covenant partner.
- You desire to write them off – eliminate them.
4. Do you have a Lack of Compassion for the person who offended you?:
- You feel lime and act like the person is the enemy instead of the demonic spirit(s) that has them in captivity.
- You have a spirit of hard-heartedness.
- You find it easy to not care about what happens to them.
- You want to see them hurt so that you can have your revenge and get even with them.
- You do not receive the Biblical instruction that we are one in Christ, so you do not properly discern the body of Christ.
- You find it easy to be rude verbally and physically.
5. Are you operating in Ungodliness; A Loss of Spirituality; A Loss of Discernment and Spiritual Power, etc.?:
- You have become ineffectiveness in prayer. You have no effectual fervent prayer because you have no mercy on the other person.
- You blaming God: “Why did God allow this to happen?” You also blame others for the events in your life.
- You generally do not want spiritual guidance or to receive what the Word of God has to say about the situation.
- Check yourself! You may have mood swings; You may be holding a grudge; You may have an attitude towards the person.
- You may have body language and facial expressions that are ungodly (pouting, mouthy, pushy, aggressive and showing an attitude).
- You may have malice toward the person. You may want them to hurt because you hurt.
- You may have “no feelings” at all toward them. This would be contrary to call for us to love one another, honor and prefer one another above ourselves.
- Your “acts of love” may be phony, a play act, and in some cases hatred disguised.
- You may find yourself struggling with the situation rather than committing it to God so that you can take your rest.
- You may defraud the mate of due benevolence.
- You may be easily deceived because when you reject the Word of God deception is sure to follow. James 1:22
6. Are you having feelings of Discouragement, Disappointment, Dejection, and/or Despair, etc.?:
- You may be filled with disappointment, discouragement and shame because of putting trust in mortal man instead of God.
- You may find your love is growing cold. (You have less and less love for them).
- You find that you have no Fruit of the Spirit: no Love; no Joy; no Peace; no Longsuffering; no Gentleness; no Goodness; no Faith; no Meekness; and no Temperance.
- You find that you have no Home and want to give up, quit or leave spouse, family, church, friends, job etc.
These are some ways by which you may know that you are offended or that someone is offended at you and that you are still in unforgiveness and bitterness:
- When you think of that person, does your heart leap up with love and joy for him?
- Do you desire to have fellowship with them or do you try to avoid them?
- Do you have no blame or condemnation of them or for them?
- Do you say or feel in your heart: “I forgive them, but I don’t have to like them”?
- Do you still make up speeches of what you are going to say to them, or what you should have said to them?
- Do you still think that they should hurt or should pay for what they have done to you?
- Do you still think of ways to get even with them?
- Do you sometimes think hard thoughts and have to repent, only to think those hard thoughts again and have to repent, over and over?
- Do you have strong emotional reactions when you think of or see the person who hurt you?
- Can you sincerely pray for this person and bless them, sincerely desiring to see them blessed?
- Can you, and do you honestly rejoice when good things happen for the person who wounded you?
Symptoms of unforgiveness involve unresolved anger and resentment targeted towards a person because of an offense. Here are more symptoms of unforgiveness:
1. Do you continue to feel the need to be Separated from the person?:
- You do not want to talk to the person or have them in your presence.
- If you are in their presence, you keep your distance from them.
- You do not make normal eye-contact during conversation.
- Anger, hurt, bitterness, and resentment is rising up inside you and growing, thereby defiling others.
- You give them the silent treatment when you are in their presence.
- You are offended and begin to build up “spiritual” bars to shut them out.
- You hide from the person and pretend not to be available when they need help.
- You do not admit when you are wrong (This is the spirit of pride – a deadly sin).
- You do not do what you should do in normal circumstance. You may be satisfied to get someone else to perform your service.
2. Do you continue to make Accusations against the person?:
- You complain to others about the person and desire for others to join in agreement with your complaint.
- You tell blatant lies on the person who hurt you.
- You tell the story or a story with exaggeration and half-truths to draw people on your side.
- You blame the person for the hurt and pain that you have. – You fail to take responsibility for your own emotions.
- You speak to the person or about them in hints.
- You rail against the person. (Argumentative, harsh words, fussing, mocking, name calling, smart retorts, even cursing).
- You come easily into agreement with evil thoughts about them.
- You are constantly bringing up past hurts; which are still fresh in the mind, no matter how long ago.
3. Are you constantly involved in Strife and/or bringing about Division?:
- You are anxious to talk about the person behind their back. (“Don’t tell her I said this…”)
- You tell the same story over and over again, trying to make them look guilty and to make yourself look good.
- You are quick to start a fight or register a complaint, and you probably don’t recognize it, because you justify yourself in doing so.
- You hold the person hostage emotionally with constant negative talk and hard actions.
- You are short with them when they try to talk or converse with you.
- You don’t have time for them when they try to engage with you.
- You may set a trap to cause them to fall.
- You don’t want them to touch you. You resist their advances toward you, toward reconciliation and toward peace.
- You find it easy to enter into a scheme to hurt them, or defraud them.
- You have no peace yourself and you break the peace in an atmosphere.
- You try to make them feel guilty in order to make yourself feel good.
- If the person is a spouse, family member, church brother, etc., you do not want to share with them as a covenant partner.
- You desire to write them off – eliminate them.
4. Do you have a Lack of Compassion for the person who offended you?:
- You feel lime and act like the person is the enemy instead of the demonic spirit(s) that has them in captivity.
- You have a spirit of hard-heartedness.
- You find it easy to not care about what happens to them.
- You want to see them hurt so that you can have your revenge and get even with them.
- You do not receive the Biblical instruction that we are one in Christ, so you do not properly discern the body of Christ.
- You find it easy to be rude verbally and physically.
5. Are you operating in Ungodliness; A Loss of Spirituality; A Loss of Discernment and Spiritual Power, etc.?:
- You have become ineffectiveness in prayer. You have no effectual fervent prayer because you have no mercy on the other person.
- You blaming God: “Why did God allow this to happen?” You also blame others for the events in your life.
- You generally do not want spiritual guidance or to receive what the Word of God has to say about the situation.
- Check yourself! You may have mood swings; You may be holding a grudge; You may have an attitude towards the person.
- You may have body language and facial expressions that are ungodly (pouting, mouthy, pushy, aggressive and showing an attitude).
- You may have malice toward the person. You may want them to hurt because you hurt.
- You may have “no feelings” at all toward them. This would be contrary to call for us to love one another, honor and prefer one another above ourselves.
- Your “acts of love” may be phony, a play act, and in some cases hatred disguised.
- You may find yourself struggling with the situation rather than committing it to God so that you can take your rest.
- You may defraud the mate of due benevolence.
- You may be easily deceived because when you reject the Word of God deception is sure to follow. James 1:22
6. Are you having feelings of Discouragement, Disappointment, Dejection, and/or Despair, etc.?:
- You may be filled with disappointment, discouragement and shame because of putting trust in mortal man instead of God.
- You may find your love is growing cold. (You have less and less love for them).
- You find that you have no Fruit of the Spirit: no Love; no Joy; no Peace; no Longsuffering; no Gentleness; no Goodness; no Faith; no Meekness; and no Temperance.
- You find that you have no Home and want to give up, quit or leave spouse, family, church, friends, job etc.
Fox, Lawrence. "Symptoms of Unforgiveness." The Healer's House Ministries Inc.. The Healer's House Ministries Inc., 16 Jun 2010. Web. 22 Jun 2013.
Now that we can identify unforgiveness in ourselves and realize how one unforgiving heart can lead to a multitude of bigger issues - it's important to know how to forgive someone.
The first giant step is prayer. Sometimes the people we haven't forgiven in our lives we aren't able to physically reach or speak to. Perhaps there was someone we hadn't forgiven and we don't know where they live, work, or perhaps they moved. We have no idea where they are. We can pray to God concerning this individual and can let God know that we forgive them. We can continue to pray for this person we held a grudge against and also pray that God will continue to change our heart so that we would not become unforgiving towards others.
There have even been scientific studies that suggest that forgiveness is actually good for your health so in a sense, forgiving others is taking care of our temple as well.
