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 Posted: Wed Mar 20, 2013 5:33 pm
I just need to get this out of my system. Just.. Talk. Cause even though I have all these lovely people around me, I feel like I can't talk to them. I just can't. So I'm just letting it out here, cause what better way to let out your emotions? A bunch if strangers that you'll probably never hear from again.
I'm a hypocrite. I'm a liar. I'm pessimistic. But everyone thinks I'm optimistic and all smiles, my friends, even my best friend don't really know how so... How unhappy and just sad I am.. I know I shouldn't be, cause not all people are lucky like me, I have a nice home, and a family, and other stuff. But I just can't help it. Like... My family puts family first, if you screw up with a family member, you;re nothing, cause family is family, it's a loyalty thing. But even with my close family, I can't do that. I just don't care. Is that bad? Maybe to some people no, but others yeah. I have two older sisters and a little brother. I talk to the second oldest a lot, that's who I usually go to. But sometimes.. When I talk to her, she puts me down, and usually kills anything that I thought about doing. And maybe to her, it's good advice, but it's just s**t to me. And sometimes, she's two faced. The oldest? It's a one day I like her, the next, I don't like her. It's whatever, and I don't care about her really. Apparently, for one year, she beat me, when I was younger. And I hold it against her all the time. I get so pissed off but I can't do anything, I'm weak. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. I also have bad memory. I can't remember a lot of things. But I just.. Get so angry thinking about it. My little brother... Well... It's the same thing as my oldest, I don't care for him much.
My best friend... There's not much to say, she's awesome, but sometimes... I just wanna smack her and her life decisions. I feel bad cause I'm not really supportive of things she does but she's usually supportive of me. I just... Ahh, not my story to tell. She's moved away, and she was the only one I really, really hung out with. And she's gone, and I'm alone. And people will say, oh it's not forever, oh you'll move on, but... She's.. She's my best friend. Even though I can't really tell her everything, cause I'm sad. And I'm not gonna dump my problems on her. Cause she has enough to deal with. With her family and and husband....
I have no self confidence. I don't like how I look, I don't like how I am, I'm a b***h too, which makes things worse, cause I snap. And give attitude. I always pretend to be so proud of myself, because I'm chubby, I call my tummy Charlie, and when he gets skinnier, on the outside, I always complain, but in all honesty. I'm happy. Cause I don't like my body. My hair is ugly, and I get acne and blackheads, and I point out every flaw I have, and I try the.. You're beautiful, look at you. But it doesn't work. I can't even like my smile. How sad is it, when you don't even like your smile. My skin disgusting too, I dunno what I have, but parts of my skin are a little whiter than other parts, I like to say I'm poka dotted like a cheetah, and people will usually laugh, but I hate them. And sometimes, the white parts will get flaky and it's disgusting, I have stretch marks on my thighs too, I don't like those either, then again, what women do? And I don't have good fashion sense, I look like a bum most of the time.
I... Cannot commit to anything when it comes to life. I draw, not that good, but sometimes I do, but when I look at it, and see all my flaws, I get frustrated because of how ugly it is, and give it up. I play a little keyboard, and when it gets hard, I quit. I tried exercising, but once again, I quit. I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I'm 19, I have a job, and I'm gonna start college but I don't know what I'm gonna do with my life. I'm a coward too, no self confidence, selfish, and I'm shy. And lonely. My second oldest sister has been dating this guy for like.. Two years, and they're perfect and cute, and in love and... I just wish I had someone like that. A wonderful girl I can be lovey dovey with and not have to worry. I love Fairy Tale romances, but only a little bit of people are lucky enough to have that.. I'm not one of them. But I'm clingy.. And jealous... And I have a problem.. I make the person I'm dating jealous a lot just so I could see that they care, cause I don't know how people could like me. Well, I understand when I play stupid and naive, and I'm the clown and making everybody laugh.. But I'm just.. I'm sad. I never imagined living this long, I used to imagine ways I could die, or go in a coma, but once again, I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. I once told my sister and my best friend that I like to imagine myself being in a coma. My sister called me stupid, and my best friend got angry and hit me. But wouldn't it? You'd be asleep. And not worry about reality, and the people you're gonna lose or the life that you wish you had. You'd be stuck. And maybe I could dream, and have fake happiness, because I would prefer the fake than this reality.
My second eldest, the one I talk to, she thinks I'm depressed. And had my best friend come down and visit me for ten days. And for ten days, everything was great. At least, most of the time, until she mentioned her husband or brought him up. Cause I kinda don't like him. The only time I cried was when I thought about her leaving. And when she left, I didn't cry, cause I was just so.. emotionless. I didn't feel anything, most of the time, I don't feel anything but.. To not cry when she left? It's... Weird.
Anyways, I keep my sad and angry thoughts to myself, this is the first time I actually really let loose, sorry for the essay >.< Anyways!! Writing this down... Did not help. Hearing and reading it gets better, does not help. And I know I'm young, and I have my whoolleee life ahead of me, but I don't care. How's that gonna help me with now? SO. YEAH. I'm out, later =] By the way, this guild is great, it's nice to see people.. That are nice.. And Ima shut up now >.<
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Posted: Fri Mar 22, 2013 7:43 am
It's fantastic that you could use this guild to vent a little (...or a lot). There's nothing at all wrong with that, though. I'm a little short on time, so I can't reply to the whole thing, but there are a few things in there that I wanted to respond to.
I can relate quite a bit to the first part. I know exactly how lucky I am. I have a lot of things, most I can't help but take for granted, and hardly any of which I deserve. I wish I could tell us both why we usually still find ourselves on the unhappy side of things. I think it has something to do with not really having a good friend to share it all with, but I'll get to that in a minute.
One thing I've learned recently is that...your family is your family, but you are you. My immediate family is a rather social group. I'm...nothing like that. Will this get you odd looks at the family reunion and get you talked about behind your back? Probably. It does me, anyway. But, while I certainly don't want to use the words "screw 'em," it's important to remember that they see you as "different." "Different," in this society and for whatever reason, is considered a bad thing, thus the hushed whispers. I don't think you should conform yourself just to appease a few family members, as long as you can realize where they're coming from. Try to be proud of who you are, even when it's not that easy. Loyalty to family is nice, but it's not a just-add-water kind of thing. You'll give it to your family when you're ready to, not because that's what the rest of the family does.
It sounds to me like your best friend moving away is when things started heading south. It's a really good reason. To be completely honest, anyone who's ever told you that you'll completely move on after practically losing your best friend has never had it happen to them before. People leave imprints on our lives. When something happens that alters how often you can communicate with your friend, it can leave a void with you wondering what you're supposed to do with it. Again, I wish I could help both of us out here. If you ever find out how to fix it, hit me up, would you?
One nice thing about best friends is that sometimes (and person-depending, of course), they want you to come to them with your problems, even if they're going through a lot at the moment. Trust me, it's a...very tricky balance between seeking help from a friend and feeling like you're just being a bother. It's just a suggestion, but maybe you could try asking her if she had a minute to spare for you. It might not hurt to ask, anyway.
If you're holding down a job and are about to start college at 19...well, I can at least tell you that you're doing better than I am. Very, very few people know what they want to do with their life by that time, so try not to worry at all about where you're going to go yet. You'll get there sooner or later.
Admittedly, I can't respond to much else in the paragraph without it sounding...shallow. But I can say that posting all of this, even over the anonymous internet, shows me that you're not much of a coward. I can also say that I disagree with you—not going through with anything as drastic as that not only doesn't mean you're a coward, it shows how strong you are for continuing on. I, for one, am glad that you are.
I'm sorry that writing all of that didn't help you feel much better. You have support here if you need it, and you're free to message me any time if you want to do that too.
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Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 2:33 pm
Thank you, I don't think I'll be finding a cure to how we feel anytime soon. Maybe it did start when she left? I dunno, I just.. It's just, everything started hitting me when she left. And she wasn't there to hang out with or distract me I guess? I'm not sure... You're a very kind person, thank you very much for your words.
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