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 Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2013 10:33 am
I hated my previous opening. Well, the whole thing I had written actually. So I scrapped it and began anew. I hope this one catches your attention.
A feast lay before him on a large table, turkey, beef roast, broiled chicken and much more he never even seen cooked before. All looked and smelled divine. He grabbed a turkey drumstick and sunk his teeth deep into the moist flavorful meat. Juices ran between his lips meeting as his chin and dripping onto the table. He closed his eyes savoring the taste then ripped a chunk off and slowly chewed. He opened his eyes when the taste changed drastically; he spat out the foul meat and stared in horror. The once juicy, plump, white meat had turned grey and green with maggots thrashing about. A chicken appeared on the table; it ruffled its feather and slowly walked across the table. A familiar face grabbed the chicken by the neck and laid it on his plate. She grabbed a large cleaver and swung it down over the neck of the defenseless bird. Blood splattered across his face once the vein was severed. She held up the dead bird, “Chicken Orad?” He bolted back in terror, his scream preceding him out of the dream realm.
He sat up and rubbed his hands over his face. He thought he had beaten the nightmare; once again he was proven wrong. He glanced at the clock on his nightstand 12:00 blinked indicating another blackout. He snuck his hand under the pillow gathering comfort from the cold steel of his gun. His door creaked open, still tense he swung his gun towards the door.
“Christ Orad it’s just me.”
A breath of relief escaped, “Sorry Cerno. Bad dream.”
He brushed his black hair back revealing his dark green eyes, “The feast one?” Cerno sipped his coffee.
“Yeah.”
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Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2013 10:33 am
Ohhhh, that's interesting. I enjoyed reading what you've got so far, it's a fine beginning. heart
The only part I recommend changing is the "familiar face" part cause that makes you wonder then why is it familiar? I mean is it someone he knows outside the dream or is it a face that he had seen before only in this dream, is it strangely familiar or vaguely familiar maybe? Might want to describe this person somehow like "The buxom woman grabbed the cleaver" or the woman with strangely grotesque features or the thin woman or just about any kind of adjective that would kind of allow us to imagine this person who has suddenly appeared in the dream. xp
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Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2013 6:26 pm
Nemone Ohhhh, that's interesting. I enjoyed reading what you've got so far, it's a fine beginning. heart The only part I recommend changing is the "familiar face" part cause that makes you wonder then why is it familiar? I mean is it someone he knows outside the dream or is it a face that he had seen before only in this dream, is it strangely familiar or vaguely familiar maybe? Might want to describe this person somehow like "The buxom woman grabbed the cleaver" or the woman with strangely grotesque features or the thin woman or just about any kind of adjective that would kind of allow us to imagine this person who has suddenly appeared in the dream. xp Well...it is someone outside the dream. I'm still debating on whether I should mention her or not. He became a vegetarian because of her, however it's not a major character trait so there is no need to mention it.
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