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Elyarne's Stories (CRITIQUE WANTED!)

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3goodlimbs

Lonely Loiterer

PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 9:02 pm


Hi guys. This is a little space for me to share my short stories for your enjoyment and (hopefully) critique. The stories I share are varied in topic and theme, as I like to try on different styles as my ideas come to me. Anyways, here goes...
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2012 9:06 pm


(Here's the first story. Its not very polished, I wrote it on the spot. Critique would be lovely please.)

Prototype
Things had been going well since I stopped fighting. Or, at least, appeared to stop. I get fed good real-seeming food, I see my parent-bots daily, and we watch old movies. They promise I will see my sister-bots soon, when I am “better”.

Of course, they don’t call them sister-bots. They insist all my real sisters are still living, and still young. But I remember hunting them down long ago; remember killing them in horrible ways for the things I was convinced they had done to me. Killing all but the Darla, of course, though I did maim Her horribly, and curse her with her Name. I was convinced of a great many things by the Lemons with their plastic smiles on plastic faces and their honey-voiced deceit. It’s almost over now. They have had their fun with me; I have done what they wanted. I have put the world right into their artificial fingers.

Now they are done with me. To them, I am merely a tool. No, a weapon. Nevertheless one that has served its purpose and now must be destroyed before it can fall into the wrong hands. Or, in my case, try to betray them. Again.

They feed me new programming chips, and they call it “medicine”. I know what they really are. They are new commands meant to override the Fear Drive that makes me dangerous. Not to mention distastefully unpredictable. They are trying to make me docile. They promise I will be let free at the end of it, to live with my family again. Of all their lies, I will not fall for this one. They would never let me free. I am stuck her in the containment unit with all the other Prototypes.

Besides, the only family left to me is the Darla, and I know she hates me. If only I could talk to Her again! The Darla has opposed me and the Lemons from the beginning. The Darla is the leader of the resistance now. How I wish I could join Her, be with Her, be Her big sister again. Oh Darla, will you ever forgive me?

Never mind. I will find her again. If it takes me until the end of time, I will find her again. Even if it ends me. But first, I must escape. The Lemons have left the paperclips close to the little opening below the windows. If I can pick the lock… It’s a slim hope, but I can try. Tonight.

3goodlimbs

Lonely Loiterer


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PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 2:17 pm


Besides fixing a few typos, I don't have any criticism. It sounds great! I really like that it forces you to think...everything isn't neatly explained, and there are some obvious conflicts that I'm interested to find out more about. biggrin
PostPosted: Sun Dec 09, 2012 3:23 pm


- - - » The End is the Beginning

To he honest I'm not quite sure what to think. It's apparent this person (Human? Machine? Cyborg?) is not sane and their actions will reflect that so, for me, it already removes some interest. I know they'll behave irrationally and do unexpected things thus making them more expected. I'm sure my opinion would change if this was longer and gave more general information, or at least enough for me to start caring about some facet of the story.

The world you're creating (you've created?) is what I'm interested in. Just wondering how things work and interact with each other on a more "global" level.

For some reason this reminded me of the movie Shutter Island. Which is neither here nor there. ^ ^;;

The Beginning is the End - - - »

Vermillion-Syndrome
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2012 6:55 am


Vermillion-Syndrome

The Beginning is the End - - - »


was going to write something, but Syn has the exact same critique. Good writing though. And perhaps try to make the fact that he/she/it is not sane more subtle.
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 1:25 am


Alpha Pyxidis
Besides fixing a few typos, I don't have any criticism. It sounds great! I really like that it forces you to think...everything isn't neatly explained, and there are some obvious conflicts that I'm interested to find out more about. biggrin

Vermillion-Syndrome
- - - » The End is the Beginning

To he honest I'm not quite sure what to think. It's apparent this person (Human? Machine? Cyborg?) is not sane and their actions will reflect that so, for me, it already removes some interest. I know they'll behave irrationally and do unexpected things thus making them more expected. I'm sure my opinion would change if this was longer and gave more general information, or at least enough for me to start caring about some facet of the story.

The world you're creating (you've created?) is what I'm interested in. Just wondering how things work and interact with each other on a more "global" level.

For some reason this reminded me of the movie Shutter Island. Which is neither here nor there. ^ ^;;

The Beginning is the End - - - »

Kernel Zombie
Vermillion-Syndrome

The Beginning is the End - - - »


was going to write something, but Syn has the exact same critique. Good writing though. And perhaps try to make the fact that he/she/it is not sane more subtle.

Thank you all for your comments. Allow me to elaborate a little. The story is about a girl going through a psychotic episode. The story is told as though her delusions are real. These delusions are incredibly elaborate, and contain such odd plot twists! I would like to make the story into a novel someday. The character is very much completely and utterly mad and it would be hard to tell the story without letting that on. My yet unwritten novel will be about the adventures the character has in her imagination, and the epic game of ‘Guess Who’ she embarks upon. I take it you have caught on by now that she is female; though that fact comes into question in her own mind – she describes herself as “the she” and detests being called a woman as she does not consider herself worthy of being described as such. It’s complicated. Anyhow, the character’s name is Julie Evans aka “the Julie” aka “Disgusting Julie” aka “Worm” aka “Charles” aka “Robot” aka “Choo Choo Train” and numerous other names “the she” takes on. My character knows only two things for sure – her own last name and her own madness. Do you want to hear more about the Julie? I’d be happy to share some more.

3goodlimbs

Lonely Loiterer


Vermillion-Syndrome
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 1:14 pm


- - - » The End is the Beginning

Elyarne


That makes things much more interesting! I'm interested in hearing more though I won't want to ask the wrong questions, I'd hate to spoil the story for myself and others. I guess what you're willing to share I'd be happy with c:

It sounds like you're good at plot twists/throwing curve balls, keep it up! c:

The Beginning is the End - - - »
PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2012 4:45 pm


Yeah, I would definitely like to read more! I caught on that she was mad, but I didn't know that the entire thing was in her head. I'm very interested to see where it goes. biggrin

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3goodlimbs

Lonely Loiterer

PostPosted: Sat Dec 15, 2012 7:15 pm


(Okay. I edited a picture to go with this story. This story comes before the other one. Not sure how I'll order the book. Putting events into chronological order is tricky since I tell the story from Julie's point of view, and Julie has no sense of time. She relies - somewhat grudgingly - on her Lemons to tell her the time and date. She finds it hard to take in the information, but it makes sense to her in a way the information never could to a rational mind. Anyways, I know the grammar needs some editing, but here it is. Enjoy.)

User Image Guess Who?
"Skip, skip, Uno, snap!" I said, piling one Uno card upon another. A blue skip, a blue reverse (which acts as a skip when there are only two players), and another blue reverse. "I win!"
"You're a real shark at this game." said Charles, smiling one of his winning plastic smiles.
"Sharky!" I giggled, putting my hands together atop my head as a shark fin and humming the Jaws sequence. Being mad has its perks - you can be downright silly and all you get is that condesending smile.
"Again?!" I asked excitedly when I had finished my display.
"How about we play a different game this time?" the Lemon said.
My joy at victory faded, and my guard came back up. I narrowed my eyes at him in suspicion and asked carefully "Which game?"
"How about... Guess Who?" he said slyly.
An alarm went off inside of me.
"We've played that game too much already." I said offhandedly.
"Not nearly as much as we've played Uno." he said, quite reasonably.
"I like Uno!" I whined pathetically.
"And I like Guess Who. How about this - we play one more game of Uno, then we play Guess Who."
I couldn't really argue with that without letting on my discomfort. The last thing you want is for a Lemon to know you're uncomfortable. Once they know how you feel, they can manipulate you until your own fear and rage takes over and you are as malleable as clay. It has happened to me before. Bloody Lemons. At this thought, anger surged in my belly, but I let it die. Anger only helped the Lemons to get their way.
"Okay." I said after a moment. We began to play Uno once again. As we did so, I let myself get caught up in the thrill of the game. I beat him easily, finishing the game with a wild card. When the game was over, I let myself become wary again. Charles took out the shabby Guess Who box and opened it, then placed one of the plastic boards in front of me. I noticed he did not take out a board for himself, nor did he take the cards out. Confused, I moved to take the rest of the things out of the box, but he grabbed my hand.
"We're going to play the game a bit differently today." he said.
"Oh... Okay." I said, helpless. Charles took the board and tilted it so all the little faces popped up, then placed the board back on the table in front of me. I scanned my eyes across the cartoon faces in front of me. The first row was normal, as was most of the second, but the last face on the second row - Emily - was different.
User Image

I thought that face looked familiar, but the familiarity struck a warning bell and I stopped thinking just short of recognition.
"This time," said Charles "I have picked a face, and you have to guess which one it is. When you get it right, I'll tell you a secret."
"Okay." I said, now quite reluctantly intrigued. "Is your person female?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Does she wear glasses?"
"Yes."
"Does she have white hair?"
"Yes."
"Is she Emily?"
"Yes. Very good."
"I had a friend named Emily once." I smiled at the memory, but then my mood and expression soured. "Once." I repeated.
"Well, that's Emily there."
"The same Emily?"
"The very same."
"She's far too old to be Emily."
"You've been here for quite a long time."
"Oh... Really? Oh. Okay. Why is she wearing a crown?"
"Well, she's a queen now."
I snorted. "Emily? A queen?"
"It turns out her family are the true royal bloodline. Anyways, her and her new family live in a big fancy house."
"Her new family?"
"After her family died in a freak accident, your old family adopted her."
"They what?!" I said, outraged.
"Well, it was a perfect arrangement. They had just lost you, she had lost her family."
"And she's living with them in my house?"
"Yes... Yes, your house."
"They finished building it and nobody told me? How could you not tell me this Charles?"
"Well, see, I didn't want to upset you." he said smoothly
"But you upset me now?"
"My point is, your family have replaced you."
The pain of that last finally came through to me. "They replaced me?" I said, hurt.
"Yes Julie-"
"Don't say that name!"
"Right. Sorry. In any case, you have indeed been replaced."
Suddenly I was angry again. "I loved them, and just when I need them most they betray me for... for Emily!"
"Do you want to be with your family again Jul- Miss Evans?"
"More than anything."
"And you know what stands in your way?"
A dark look came over my face as I imbued one name with the menace of newfound hatred.
"Emily."
PostPosted: Sun Dec 16, 2012 6:31 am


- - - » The End is the Beginning

I'm not quite sure how you wanted "Guess Who" to come across. I found it rather amusing and for some reason I get the feeling that's not what you intended. Regardless, this is an interesting theme.

Random note, I love Uno! Used to play it all the time at my grandparent's house and we had teams xD

The Beginning is the End - - - »

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 7:54 am


You're good at writing dialogue; it flows smoothly and really conveys what the characters are thinking and feeling. I also like the image of Emily. Even though the story is definitely more on the dark side, there's also something funny/entertaining about it and the picture of Emily really fit with that.

Looking forward to reading more. biggrin
PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2012 3:59 pm


Vermillion-Syndrome
- - - » The End is the Beginning

I'm not quite sure how you wanted "Guess Who" to come across. I found it rather amusing and for some reason I get the feeling that's not what you intended. Regardless, this is an interesting theme.

Random note, I love Uno! Used to play it all the time at my grandparent's house and we had teams xD

The Beginning is the End - - - »

Alpha Pyxidis
You're good at writing dialogue; it flows smoothly and really conveys what the characters are thinking and feeling. I also like the image of Emily. Even though the story is definitely more on the dark side, there's also something funny/entertaining about it and the picture of Emily really fit with that.

Looking forward to reading more. biggrin

Thanks guys! smile I'm not sure what you found amusing, for me it was the irony that Julie is very much aware the Lemons are manipulating her, but her own fears make her very easily manipulated anyway. Vermillion I love Uno too! Julie's love of Uno is based on mine. I usually win, like Julie. I love saving my high-value cards for the end so I can go out with several skips or a wild card, like Julie. Next I might write about Julie's encounter with 'Emily', or possibly Julie's transformation into a robot. Whichever I decide, I'll post it up as soon as I've had time to write it.

3goodlimbs

Lonely Loiterer

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