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 Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:10 am
As the title says.
You are welcome to read.
Please do not post.
Have you advice or warnings, please message them to me.
That said, I much prefer written books of shadows.
However. Mine has gone missing between two moves and I haven't the funds yet to replace it.
So I will begin what I wanted to start recording in here.
I've been badly damaged and plenty mislead when I was first taking my baby steps. Due to that, this is going to be a bit difficult to me. I wanted to begin recording my baby steps. Even when I replace my grimoire, I will likely keep updating this with progress or ideas so that in case a kind soul is interested, they might message me advice, etc.etc.
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Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:40 am
Me.
I imagine this will change in time, however.
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Posted: Tue Oct 02, 2012 3:46 am
10 / 2 / 2012
Due to a friend's sudden Gaian activity, I've followed in her footsteps and begun to reach out again. In reaching out, I've also begun to read more of what fellow Gaians have posted.
In doing so, I found an interesting meditation technique, which is very important.
I have resigned to the fact the woman that taught me left so many gaps in what I needed and was so awful, I am practically starting from scratch in every way.
When she was teaching me of meditation, she viewed it as merely the calm state in mind in which one can ground themselves and reach a trance state.
She herself admitted I was already well grounded, another accident by her blundering made me impossibly grounded in fact, and that I walked around already in the calm state of mind.
Trance states I had trouble with. Whenever I tried to achieve them through meditation, I wound up practically hurling my spirit into other plains and then would fall asleep with it out there. Not good, none of that was good at all. I eventually resigned that I was broken, which is a stupid thing looking back. I never considered she was wrong, just that I was doing it wrong. Same with just about everything, but whatever.
The technique that interested me was the visualization of stepping down stairs, descending into your lower conscious states. I have done similar to try and strengthen my weak senses, so this wouldn't be a far stretch. I put on Strobe in the background as it was calm and music is one of my favorite tools.
The steps down were longer than I thought, even though the first was only twelve steps. My breathing slowed nicely and my whole body relaxed. Even this first level was better than anything I had managed on my own. Great! But this plane was black and had the feeling of being not very big. Fine and dandy, the technique said we'd go down two levels!
So I began the descent to the next one down. Eleven steps. This time I had the feeling I had reached the level the River is on.
( Let me explain. The River is. . . well, in the back of my mind I have the never ending feeling that a River is rushing by. A River of energy, emotions, beings, knowledge, etc. that I cannot delve into because my senses will not allow me. It is always there and I have a feeling this River is important and that a lot of the things I know, or will know, I will learn from it. And so much more. One of those things I guess.)
I have often floated down and can touch the River, but it's like reaching to touch the sky. While you look like you can, you kind of aren't really.
This time, the level was so much smaller than the first. I reached towards the river and felt a wall. Pressing against it and it felt like I was pressing against the bottom/back of my skull, that it was keeping me in and the River was just on the other side. I pressed and pressed and it wouldn't budge. The shape began to feel like a hatch, though, as if I were in a submarine. I opened it and a trickle of the River began to pour through. I opened it wider, and more of the River poured in. It was pushing me back in, but I was pushing back, trying to force the hatch open against the current Standing there, holding the hatch open and trying to pull myself out of the dark room I was in, pulling up and out on the lip above the door. My physical body began to feel pressure against my chest and abdomen, like the waters were rushing by it and pressing against it.
I finally managed to pull myself up and out and to sit on the hill-like ledge above the door. Oh goodness. There was too much to remember, very bright and full of colors.
And I had a revelation. Since I began my journey, those years ago, I have been technically 'blind' on that other-world sense. I can sometimes hear vaguely, but my strength lies in feeling.
A phrase a friend once told me blared into my mind, about the blind dragon is the most efficient killer. He has no sight to fool him.
And like looking in a mirror, I realized that the white eyes on 'myself' was because I am blind, but as a dragon that shouldn't hinder me, only make me more efficient and more difficult to fool.
And, of course, Terezi was brought into mind. When she lost her sight, her dragon 'parent' taught her other ways to 'see'.
Much like I can learn other ways to 'see'.
Then I had like a spiritual orgasm and pretty much skyrocketed out of the meditative state. o O; I had been down almost an hour in what had felt like minutes.
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Posted: Wed Oct 03, 2012 4:39 pm
10 / 3 / 2012
That was not enjoyable.
I laid down and had Strobe playing like last time.
And like last time, I descended the first flight of 12.
This time, the space was far larger than I thought.
There was the vague greyish tone and it was very dark, but there was a large empty space and then a large amount of room that was filled with filing cabinets.
I’m assuming memories or files of some sort.
I continued down the next flight, the 11. There were 12 for some reason.
This time, the room did not feel of the same pressure.
I fear I may have gone somewhere not of the first time.
The River felt closer, the room different.
I found the hatch, but as my senses felt it and ‘built’ the image in my mind, something was ‘felt’ between the hatch and I.
Like a plank, but formed a body. At first, my ‘sense’ and mind formed Death from Soul Eater, but the mask was wrong. The hands, too. They were large and white, but more shapely than boxy. Dark tendrils everywhere.
The mask is oval. There are black circles for the eyes and a fine red line runs from the top to near the ‘chin’ where it tapers to nothing.
I’m a little spazzed because it’s reaching to me. My mind snaps from the meditative state, my body is a little slower to come back.
It’s strange, but I sit up and use my computer for a few minutes.
I grow dizzy and a little faint, like I do when something wants my attention. I close my eyes and lay down again. There is no need to descend the stairs. I’m there already, in the room. The thing has an arm ‘around’ me, it’s hand spread and keeping me there. I have a remembrance of the two masks from band camp that protected that little patch of forest as well as the masked lion I have drawn from sense. Apparently they are a breed or species or type of spirit known as Masks.
It suddenly leans forward and… pours?… into me. There is left blackness. It’s hand is between myself and the stairs still. My face is now painted as its mask had been. Where the body has been is a door or gateway. I turn and the stairs and hand are gone. It’s just blackness with a white road winding through.
My face is painted as its mask had been. I’m in a dress now, barefoot with a woven and beaded ankle bracelet. I traverse the road, covering ground quickly.
There is suddenly a house, rather run down looking and rickety. I do not like the looks of it, but it is where the road has led. I ascend the stairs slowly, cautiously. I leave red foot prints on this grey scale house. I reach to knock and the door swings open, black goopyness reaching out. I have the sense of an old woman there, but now I am frightened. I ‘bloom’ in light, a defense of purifing light that I often employ. Suddenly the house and the darkness is gone, replaced by a landscape of white and light. The ground and grass are almost watery in motion, the leaves and trees swaying around almost watery as well.
I see the stairway up and climb it as quickly as I can. The level above is awash in the glow from above. I proceed to quickly climb the next stairs and feel myself out of the state.
I am honestly terrified of what happened. . _________ . I’m researching masked spirits now.
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