Dead in love /for ninehundredtwo/ Tucker Foley gets killed by a hollow after the death of his father. Danny hooks up with Sam. Now, Tucker's soul is in soul society, where he meets Hibiki (an OC) . The hot-headed/sweet girl with the split personality disorder. Tucker is now known as 'Takuma Fukui/Fukui Takuma Warning: character death...
From the story "Where am I!?" finally, he was able to complete a sentence. Although, not without a sharp pain.
"Idiot!" he felt a pain in his gut, assuming she hit him. "What's your name?" to find her smiling the next moment. The boy said he didn't know his name, so she descided to call him Takuma, Fukui Takuma. "Well, Fukui-San, you're in Kusajishi. The 79th district."
Works now xp Also after I woke up I went and hunted your story down razz I wrote a review but I'd like to post it here too becuase I'm weird sweatdrop
I like the story it's got an interesting plot so far, though if you don't mind me saying, there's a few fatal flaws (that actually aren't spelling) That nags me, The flow is very jagged first of all, it skips a lot and doesn't leave a lot to the imagination, whenever I read I like to let the words soak in and paint a picture of what's happening. That doesn't bother me so much as the lack of detail though, your dialogue is really good, but to me there isn't enough supporting information, Like when Hibiki names Tucker, it's so instant it's as if she had the name for him all along. Not that that's particularly a bad thing it's just harder to get a feel for the characters. I think if you added a little more detail before and during some stuff it would flow a lot smoother. Definitely some more detail from Tucker, like after the hollow thing, may be just me, but I would be asking all kinds of questions to Hibiki trying to figure out what the hell the thing was and why it came after me. I think you should also have Tucker talk about his life with Hibiki or have Hibiki talk about hers, so it streengthens their relationship more to the reader, obviously they've been together for months now but to us it seems like a few days. I know 1. This is just a review and I'm not your beta or anything 2. It's your story, but I think these could definitely help. One last note, The bits with Danny when he is being paranoid about Tucker, add some informaiton to increase the feeling of dread, like "He had ignored us on lots of occasions, but never for this long. I was starting to think something had happened" It would help strengthen the rlationship between him and Tucker which would in turn give the part where Danny is in the hospital more depth and feeling. Anyway enough with my long lists of Nitpicks, the story is good and your writing style is intriguing, just like most things with potential a little polishing and it could be really realy good, just keep writing and you'll find the best balance for yourself :3
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