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 Posted: Wed Jul 11, 2012 8:00 pm
First off, in what I assume is going to turn into one terribly long lunatic rant, what do you define as lust? How about cheating? And if you dont know, dirty laundry is a term that means a persons collection of horrible crimes; for example, adultery, stealing, lying, domestic violence, being a communist, and other scandals.
So. My mental snapshop of what it means to cheat consists of a naked man hiding behind curtains and a naked woman trying to collect articles of clothing off of the lamp shade before her workaholic husband can come in. Sex. The nasty, all the way kind of stuff, where youve seperated so far from your proper partner that you've floated off with someone else. What ive gathered from society is that its okay to go for coffee with someone else or give a friend a hug or smile at each other in confrence rooms and so forth, so long as the clothing stays on.
But I think ive come to disagree with this standard. Its the smiles and the hugs and the coffee that starts tne seperation process that ends in curtains and clothing. Cheating is much more than just the physical act of bumping nasties. It is anything you do with someone else that you long to turn into something more, something romantic. Its loving someone other than the person youre with at the time, especially if you cultivate that crush through
daydreams and actions.
Which brings me to lust. Lust... I dont have a clear grip on what is lustful and what is not, what is evil and what is unavoidable. Is lust having a chemical reaction to a picture on a screen or a stranger in a resturant? Or is it an action, the persuit of sexual realtions with that person you found attractive? Is it lustful to mearly be attracted whe you glance across accidentally, or it is ljst to continue to stare, to wish, to long for? Where is the line in my raging hormones between okay and misdeed?
Which brings me to another point. Not only do I believe that you can be adulterous by your thoughts alone, but its also my firm belief that as human beings we should have some self control over our urges. Animals are physical creatures, theyre wired to follow instinct and they do so without self awareness, guiltlessly so. But humans have morals, and guidlines. We know better. We have the power to prevent ourselves from peeing in our pants, to deny the urge to eat when we must, to stay up longer than our bodies tell us too. If we can deny all of this, surely, we can deny the urge for sex, right?
So... We should have the power to resist being lustful and resist being adulterous, even if its just in thoughts. It should be within our power. I just want to know how. Im not saying that as humans, with very real animalistic urges for thirst, libido, hunger, etc, we can completely deny that we have urges. I just think that there has to be a way to practice self control. Not peeing my pants is easy, ive been doing it for ages, there is a technique and a process fo that. Potty training, pull ups, etc.
So what about lust?
To explain where all of this is coming from, allow me to air out my dirty laundry. Im not proud. But it keeps pestering me and i think admiting it, even to the internet, might help me learn from it.
I have a beautiful girlfriend. The woman is a sex bomb. She listens to me whine, she tells me intimate stories about herself, she calls me her baby, the list of good things about our relationship is not infinite, but it is long considering our age and a factor of stress and distance. Ive been with her for over a year. Call her all the time, drive to see her, I was fairly insane about her. Lately ive felt so callous towards her. We talk less, she wouldnt come on vacation with me for what I thought were some dumbd reasons, and we werent on super good terms when I left her house. Ive been focused repeatedly on such negative things. Like that she wont hold my hand cause I sweat or the time she said I was weird and unappealing or the countless times shes looked at me like im gross or that on dates we always ALWAYS go shopping and I hate that or that she doesnt like me trying to become more moral... just... grr. I think these mean thoughts like mantras then wonder why Im angry at her.
Then I went to California for a little more than a week with my cousin and my best friend. My cousin and my best friend on this trip finally admitted they loved each other and started a rosy brand new relationship right in front of me after months of them pretending just to be friends. Great. Fun. Third wheel everywhere. Then we start to hang out with my best friends best friend in california, a super beautiful blond girl who works professionally as a model.
I love blondes.
I found myself lusting ( I think? ), after this girl. Like would get all goofy around her like I did for Rita (my gf). Pink in the cheeks, giggly, cant look her in the eye, get all goose bumpy when shed accidentally touch me, jump up out of my seat and RUN to go get her a straw if she even mentioned liking straws remotely. I wanted her to kiss me and frolic off into the sunset.
She has a boyfriend, so I managed to stifle the insanity in me and just see her as a friend, even though I couldnt stop acting like an idiot most of the time.
But the boyfriend made it worse, whatever it is in me that wants to daydream about other women and flirt with new people and long to be kissed. Why? Oh, joy, because now in my dejected state of lonliness away from a girlfriend im irrationally angry with, I got to spend every waking moment around two happy, hetero, functioning couples. FOREVER ALONE.D<
For awhile, I settled myself by missing Rita. Id thinking about some good memories or imagine what id say to her on a carosel ride instead of me sitting alone, or what shed think of the beach, just little things. But that felt healthy and kept me from screaming from built up rage and frustration and jealousy. So I did that.
Then there was Sarah. Ive always liked that name. Shes half asian and half itailian and an adorable tomboy but with an amazing figure. At first it was just having fun with her. She laughed at my lame jokes, which rita doesnt always do anymore now that shes sick of me. She was some one to talk to while the couples disgusted us. I met her, we went to the beach, we went out to eat, and I ended up staying the night at her house because she wanted me too and the thought of listening to my cousin and my best friend make out and talk all night, AGAIN, was too much to bear. That sounds slutty. But we were just friends, and so compatable, and at this point I was not only desperate for human company but to be away from couples. We stayed up all night making silly cartoons and playing video games and telling lame jokes. She was just like a man friend.
The rest of the time in California I spent making jokes that she was my illicit lover and begging to be allowed to spend time with her. So when the couples went to disneyland they took pity on me and invited sarah too. We shuffled around behind them complaining about how gross they were and stuff and rode on all the rides together. She held my hand, to keep us from getting seperated. Technically, she held Codys hand too. But dear god she held my hand. The last time someone held my hand without being begrudding about itwas FOREVER ago. We kind of didnt stop holding hands either. She was tired and joked that at least we looked the same as the two couples in our party now and I didnt let go. I acted obnoxiously defensively and uncontrolably straight at that point because shes sort of straight and I didnt want her to know how much I was enjoying holding her hand.
And...well...just... okay. Even writing this im longing for her. I want to go over to her house again. I want her to touch me. D: Im terrible. Im really terrible. I should feel guilty and gross, but I want to be around her still and I think im weak willed to the point where Id do it again.
The last day we were in California we went to church with Sarah. We sat next to each other, nd she distracted me the whole time just with her presence. Then we both had a hilarious time in the shop, more lame jokes and laughter. Then we went over to my best friends best friends house. They cleaned it, while my cousin slept. Since he was on the bed, sarah and I ended up on the bed. She laid on his leg and i awkwardly and slightly purposefully ended up with my head on her chest, like the collar bone area. We exchanged glasses and she fake fought me to get hers back and she told me my short hair tickled her neck and ... well we laid there for about two hours with her petting my hair.
I have visited that moment in my head way too frequently. I didnt try to stop it. Sure it wasnt sex. But it felt good and I knew it was wrong and cruel to rita and I did it anyway. I ended up with sarahs jacket, once we got back to Colorado. Ive been avoiding it so far, but I keep being tempted to snuggle down into it and sniff it and daydream as much as I like.
To top it off rita has been calling me, being super sweet and telling me how she told her roomate about us and how faithful she is to me and just....oh im so evil.
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Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 7:38 am
i'm unsure as to whether all of this is rhetorical.
in case it's not, here is my reply:
what is cheating?
typically, cheating is when someone comes in physical, romantic contact with another person
outside of their relationship, with intentions of furthering the contact.
i wouldn't say that hugging is cheating though, because it's the most basic
physical demonstration of compassion. holding hands i'm not sure would be
cheating because it's sort of along the same lines. i don't really know.
i think even emotional betrayl could be considered cheating; if someone's thoughts
stray from their partner to someone else, it's dishonest. it's not fair for them,
or for their partner.
with that being said, i don't think that someone should ever entirely belong
to someone else; someone shouldn't have total control over another person
to where they're not allowed to connect with other people.
it's a world full of billions of people and limiting oneself from contact with other
people intellectually, emotionally, etc., is practically cruel.
we should make as many friends and as many connections as we can.
but it's the person that you go home to at the end of the day,
the person who's soul you carry with you in your heart as you go along.
that person's the one who counts.
also, and i say this all the time, if you are no longer benefitting from the
relationship, you should probably realize the relationship for what it is, and
acknowledge that it has run its course; therefore, if that's the case, the mature
thing to do would be to terminate it. if you're not enjoying yourself, then it's
not.. really.. worth it, i guess.
what is lust?
i guess lust can be considered the physical desire for another person.
one can lust for another person yet never pursue the person, or
one can lust for another person and do everything in their power to get what they want.
i think lust can be controlled, but i would have to say it depends on the circumstances.
lust for one's own partner is good, provided it be accompanied by love or the possibility of love.
lust for another person outside of a relationship may not be healthy for the relationship.
lust for a person while one is single is okay, i believe.
as humans, we depend heavily on physical confirmation of our importance in other's lives.
i don't think that lust is necessarily bad at all. if we wish to be civilized, then controlling a certain amount
of that lust is important, meaning we can't go around humping everyone that we find attractive,
but it's inevitable that we're going to find people outside of our relationships attractive; though i suppose
finding someone attractive and 'lust' are two separate things.
tl;dr i know absolutely nothing about cheating or lust but i pretend that i do.
as for your current situation:
this may just be a temporary thing between you and rita, where you're not necessarily "feelin' it" with her,
or it could mean that you're sort of falling out of love with her, which is perfectly okay also.
you have to ask yourself if you are benefitting from this relationship,
and are you enjoying this relationship.
if you're not, then maybe it's not healthy to continue with it.
if she never wants to consider what you want to do and if she doesn't consider your feelings,
you may just be dating her for the sake of dating her. if you're struggling to think of positive things about
your relationship, maybe that's a sign that you're not really meant for each other.
i hope it works out, though, whatever you decide to do. just mull over things, and if you continue to feel like this,
then i would definitely suggest that you should consider, uh, ending it.
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Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 8:54 am
It wasnt rhetorical. So thank you.
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Posted: Thu Jul 12, 2012 5:04 pm
I know this seems utterly cruel coming from me of all people...but I'm with Solar on this one Intro...I remember how excited you were when you met her, I remember how you did everything you could to make her happy...but I've seen you tear yourself apart over her...
I'm sorry but you need to think about what's best for you...even though I do know what it's like to go through the pain of such things...
You remember the heartache Ariel put me through...and now she's like a sister to me after I spent a year repairing the friendship to more than her thinking I'm the awkward ex trying to get back with her...after sometime I just gave up on it and she refused to believe it. Yes I know you can read this Ariel but you know I'm right!
You can do this, and we're right here to help you through this, whatever you choose...
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Posted: Thu Aug 09, 2012 2:33 am
I'm chosing not to quit on her. I honestly think once I'm not so far away from her with all these happy couples making me irritated, It will get better again. Most of this really isn't even her. I know thats the oldest thing in the book you say when you break up with someone, but it really is me this time. Rita would just be side swiped by a break up right now and I know what that feels like.
I imaged doing it for several days. How I would say it. What I would tell her. What it would feel like to be single again. ******** terrible, pardon the language. Every imaginary conversation made me more sad and empty than I am in my own weird state of mind right now. I look around and she's literally everywhere. I sleep with this stuffed goat she bought me, I've dragged it everywhere with me this summer. I have these postcards and things I keep buying her when we are in gift shops because they make me think about her or I know she'll like them. If I see something purple or hear classic rock on the radio or pass a mall or ... I just... She's in my head, all the time, just like when we started dating. She obviously, from a psycological perspective as well as a personal one, means a hell of a lot to me. The girl is way to important to me to just shuck off.
I guess I just wanted to because that would be way easier than dealing with things. I don't want to open up to her or have a fight or critize what she says to me or be negative in any way. Its ironic though, because I do all of that because I don't want her to see any flaws in me and leave me. I wanted to dump her because working so hard for her to not dump me all the time is stressful and harder than just going through what feels like an inevitable seperation.
Anyway, I guess my real point is just that I've made a decision and have tried to start acting on it, not very well but still. I've just got to try and somehow get my head back where it needs to be, you know? Maybe if I actually went through the trouble of planning a date and taking her on it, picking where we go wouldn't be a fiasco. If I just...put myself out there and took some risks instead of refusing to, then It might be a more fullfilling realtionship. I don't tell her when I'm upset. I don't share my secrets. I don't share anything. If she even tries to get close to me I get mad at her and shove her away, then feel even madder because she's so far away. Its ridiculous, I'm a complete a*****e, really, for all of this nonsense.
I had a really nice phone call with her a few days ago. Nothing deep. I wouldn't let her anywhere near that. But it was cute again, and I stopped myself from being crazy all over it and just enjoyed it for once. She sang me irish sea shanties in a really terrible accent and instead of being irrationally pissed at her for having a bad accent I found it endearing and laughed. We made really bad back and forth jokes and discussed who we thought made the best bat woman.
I'm just ranting at this point. Its late. I can't sleep because its bothering me.
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