Ars Hermetica (A.K.A. Alchemy 1010)

[Lillian Harper]

Professor Lillian Harper's Office --- The Art of Alchemy

Upon entering the dimly lit classroom, you are struck by the cloying fragrance of nearly a dozen lavender scented candles, which fails to mask the pungent odor of acid and disinfectant that permeates the room. The wall to your left is lined with metal lockers, the dull red paint failing to hide copious patches of rust. The one to your right consists entirely of a jumbled collection of rickety bookcases and bureaus, stuffed with badly worn books, scrolls, and what appear to be jars of preserved bugs. The teacher's desk, carved with bizarre designs of eerie tentacled things, sits at the head of the classroom, prominently displaying an impressively precarious collection of stacked documents that struggles desperately to hide the pile of half opened crates overflowing from the storage room beyond. What little free wall space that remains is covered with faded sheets of parchment inscribed with arcane symbols and diagrams. The stone floor is pockmarked with a veritable road map of cracks, stains, and wear lines, though many of the larger ones are obscured by a set of tidily arranged but equally beaten desks, the only concession to organization in this den of chaos. On each desk is a slip of heavily edited but very official looking parchment that reads:

Dear Beloved Student,

I regret to inform you that your cat has expired due to

It is my pleasure to welcome you to my humble classroom. Unfortunately, I cannot welcome you in person due to extenuating circumstances entirely within my control that, sadly, I chose to ignore until it was too late. I hope to meet you very soon!

I did everything I could, but the poor sucker just would not submit to my considerable talents and had to be shoveled off this mortal coil before .

If you have signed up for this class, chances are that you are hoping to explore alternative methods of spellcasting, and I applaud your choice! Far too many wizards rely solely on the old mana reserve to get them through a crisis, flinging spell after ineffectual spell at a problem that clearly requires a more intelligent approach.

Despite my superior intellect, which I acknowledge with considerable humility, I simply could not save , and I apologize for that. I also offer my sincerest condolences to family and friends, and I hope that if they ever find themselves at my door, they will permit me to serve them as I tried so desperately to serve .

I look forward to teaching and hopefully getting to know you all, and I hope we can have a wonderful year together!

Despite this tragedy, I hope we can in order to so that we might continue with our lives in peace with the knowledge that is and therefore unlikely to ever suffer again.

Sincerely,

Professor Lillian Harper  

[Lillian Harper]

Class Goals:

Primary Goal: To expand our magical capabilities by delving into the arcane and esoteric art of hermetic magic, and to make sure students actually have some idea what that statement means by the end of the year.

Secondary Goal: To accomplish the primary goal without having to resort to the distribution of Schedule II drugs in order to elevate researchers to a higher level of consciousness.

Tertiary Goal: To make it through the year without any unintentional fatalities.

Quaternary Goal: Failing at that, to reap the benefits at the expense of the deceased.

Class Motto: Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati

(When all else fails, play dead.)  

[Lillian Harper]

Class Rules:

1. Respect. If you give it, you receive it. Please treat your classmates and colleagues with the appropriate amount of courtesy.

2. This might seem obvious once you enter the room, but please, keep your shoes one.

3. Anyone caught sleeping in class has to clean up after everyone else. Thoroughly.

4. If you show up, listen well, and do the work, you'll go far. If you must be absent, please inform me, and I will see to it that you are excused.

5. Follow any given directions to the letter. This is vital and non-negotiable. Alchemy is a dangerous art.

6. All pets, familiars, and toddlers must be secure. Any students who engage in horseplay have to clean the stables. By which I mean, you get to help the guards on latrine duty in the only places that resemble stables on campus.

7. It is never permissible to set your classmates on fire, no matter how much they might croak when you do it.

Class Prerequisites:

More than half a brain cell, the ability to pay attention

Class Supplies:

Many of the below supplies may overlap with the conjuring and potions lists; feel free to use equipment from that class, provided that it is properly cleaned.

1. Sketchbook, available through H.R. Wesley (or what's left of it)
2. Inks, red, green, and blue (no invisible inks, please)
3. Stylus, fine point
4. Stylus, broad point
5. Soft tip charcoal pencils
6. Eraser
7. Sewing kit containing pins, needles, red and black thread, scissors of varying sizes, and bobbins, available at most craft stores
8. Bandages, small (the kind you put on your fingers)
9. Mortar and pestle set
10. Bottles, standard ink well size, available through local potion shops
11. Glass stirring rods, also available through local potion shops
12. Gloves, dragon hide, same as above
13. Salt, non processed, same as above
14. Cutting implements, same as above
15. Measuring and drawing instruments: slide rule, dividers, compass, must be durable, can be purchased at most craft shops
16. Glass beads, same as above
17. Extra change of clothes
18. Padlock
19. Wands
20. One five pound can of lard, available through local grocer
21. Hand disinfectant
22. Bag of marbles
23. Matches
24. Bugs, in jars, please

Additional supplies will be furnished as the class progresses. There are some things that minors simply cannot purchase.