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 Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 9:55 am
YOUNG GIRL Name: Lieta Abigail Bancroft
Color: #ACC605 , Wren Hazel
Age: 12
Nationality: American
Home/Financial Status: Wealthy, Money isn't an issue.
School: Telufel High School Freshman (She was bumped forward two years)
Personality:
Lieta is very prim and logical, not showing her feelings on her sleeve and generally seeming soulless or robotic. Her speech is polite and exact and her manner is very measured.
She is also intelligent and a thinker-sort of person- she likes to plan things out carefully before doing... just about anything.
She can also be somewhat manipulative, with little regard to the well being of anybody but herself. She just doesn't think about it.
She doesn't talk to people much more than necessary, and is very withdrawn. She likes to pretend that this is fine and she likes to live this way, but secretly she craves someone to drag her out of her shell. Just one person would do.
They would have to get over her slight insensitivity and inablity to comprehend that subjects that are simple or obvious for her may not be so for others. This discrepancy confuses and frustrates her, and may make her irritated and harsher than usual.
Under the hard exterior, she does have a soft side. Its just very private, low key, and very far beneath the surface. But it is there, evidenced by her love of an old badger-thing heirloom that she likes to hug in the darkness of her room, where nobody can see or judge her.
She tends to either ignore completely or politely acknowledge her family, depending on how crazy they are that day and what they want her to do. Roger is the exception: she practically pines after her half brother.
Her hobbies and interests involve Mathematics, Engineering, Physics, Computer Programming, and Art She also likes her English classes, though the books are not her strongest suite- she finds books boring and/or childish. She used to read childs fiction when she was younger, but has made a show to herself of casting it aside. Now she primarily reads patents, textbooks, and looks at artwork in museums, galleries, or online.
Though she is interested in art, particularly digital art, she isn't particularly good at it. If anything she is mediocre at best in most mediums taught in school, including digital art. This doesn't mean she doesn't try her hand at it though... it just means that nobody sees her attempts, which she hides in a drawer full of files in her room (for the physical media) and in a hidden folder in her computer. She tries to keep it a secret from her family, and actually purchased the art (and construction) supplies herself and somehow managed to construct a camouflaged box to hide them in.
What she seems to do well in is understanding inventions. She tinkers a little, a hobby she does not keep secret, though her Mother disapproves. Alex, however, in a rare moment of lucidity, convinced his mother that allowing Lieta to tinker might improve the business.
Appearance:
Lieta is a tiny, somewhat delicate looking caucasian, with bright green eyes and black very dark olive green, straight hair usually tied in a bun. Her outfit tends to be the uniform... she doesn't have much in the way of unique clothing other than that and her formal wear. Everything, from the way she dresses to the hairties she wears are utilitarian and reasonable. The only thing out of place is a small green (her eye color) bead dragon she has tied to one of her hair ties. It tends to hang just out of her bun.
History:
Her family history is slightly complicated. Her father was a very wealthy man but the marriage to her mother was more one of convenience than love, hence why he maintained a (rather wealthy and well connected) mistress who he cared for dearly.
He had a son by his wife, who was intelligent and picked up on business theory fairly well, though also proved to be mentally unstable and only got worse. This son, Alexander, is the eldest son.
The mistress also had a son who Edwin, her father, officially recognized as his child. This boy, Roger, was more cold and calculating than his paranoid brother.
Lieta's mother had been told she could not have children after Alexander, and she grew (more) bitter with that knowledge. However, when Alexander was 22, having entered his father's business empire as a partner, she was surprised by a pregnancy. She was, to an extent, delighted when Lieta was born: finally she would have a girl to dress up and fulfill her dream of raising a proper young girl, to balance her son's oddities and to counter Roger, who she hated on principle and who was growing into a charming teenager.
During Lieta's toddler years, she began her regimen, and was possibly too harsh on the girl. When Edwin brought Roger to visit (to her mother's dismay) Lieta immediately adored him, maybe because her father was focused on his sons and the 13-year-old was the only person who was attentive to her... and not yelling.
When tragedy struck and Edwin and his mistress were killed in a freak accident (lightning on a picnic no less), Lieta, very young, was caught in the crossfire between the brothers, a fight over the inheritance. She was not personally involved in the fight, as her mother and brother would be controlling her inheritance. However, the stress caused her mother to be harsher than usual and seeing her over-idolized half brother being lawyered into defeat was definitely upsetting to her.
He eventually was packed off to boarding school and later to college, leaving Lieta with nobody to really turn to.
She kept up a private hope that one day he would ride in like a knight on a white horse and save her... she still does.
Being bright, she was bumped up two grades- the max for the Telufel school district. It gave her more of a challege (and so made school interesting for her) but It caused there to be a greater gap between her and the other students, making it very difficult to make even casual aquaintences for the already withdrawn girl.
She has been like this for a few years now, attempting to correspond with Roger and sometimes getting a reply. Her mother has become increasingly aggressive in her attempts to make her a 'proper lady', and Lieta is almost afraid of her mother. She wants more than ever for Roger to rescue her and take her to live with him... she believes he will. He has to. But when?
Family:
Adrianna Rose Sterlowitz Bancroft (Anthony and Lieta's mother, age 68 )
Adrianna is a good bit 'eccentric' and a good bit bitter and a hell of a lot of acidity wrapped up in a very severe old woman who refuses to become decrepit and die. She dotes on her insane son Alexander and rails on Lieta, obsessed with the idea of making the girl into a 'proper lady' before she dies.
Roger Edwin Bancroft (Half Brother, age 25)
Roger is a brilliant and dapper young man who is studying business and computer engineering. He has even started his own business, which has become rocketingly profitable in recent days. He is very smart, logical, with sociopathic tendancies (making him a good businessman). Though he promised his sister that he would take her to live with him, he has since found that things are very nice as a bachelor, thank you. He is convinced that the young girl would only get in the way, though he achknowledges that her intellect might be useful to him. In the future. He has been stalling in the face of her regular pleas for him to make good on his promise.
Lieta has no comprehension of her brother's negative aspects and imperfections. To her, he is everything, and she adores him intensely and unrequitedly. She is blind to anything bad about him.
Alexander Darren Bancroft (Brother, (Age 34))
Alexander, who inherited the Bancroft manufacturing company, is an indisputably brilliant man. He is also known to be mad as a hatter. Nobody dares to try getting him outed and committed because of his expensive lawyers, and he isn't an abysmal businessman. His Personell manager (and girlfriend) is also talented enough to gloss over his oddities, and the business provides enough employee benefits to keep people working for him.
His primary delusion involves the belief that people are trying to steal his 'brain energy', which he wears a tinfoil hat to prevent.
Edwin Rex Bancroft(Father, Deceased)
Edwin Bancrost was a great businessman, flirt, womanizer, and a generally amiable guy. He had the force of will (and money) to do whatever he damn well pleased.
Lieta remembers him vaguely.
Samantha Smithson ( Roger's Mother, Deceased)
Samantha was a gentle, kind lady. Even Roger admits that. She was a sunny person, who brightened up everyone's worlds by just being in it. Her death was taken hard by her son. Lieta remembers her fondly as a sweet motherly figure, if vaguely.
PUELLA MAGILanguage: English
Desires: She loves her brother Roger more than anything in the world, and her greatest hope is that soon he will take her away from her stepmother and her eldest brother and not leave her again. (Perhaps she will have other desires in the future, but her wish will probably involve him)
She is also lonely, and hopes that one day someone will talk to her and be her friend. She wont admit this, least of all to herself.
Emblem: “Withering Rose”
A rose sillhouette with the stem curling inwards in a loop with thorns unevenly placed along it.
Weapon: Crossbow.
Ornate Black Iron threaded with her color.
Type of Magic: Probably some kind of team-rallying ability, since the main concept of her probable wishes is to bring someone or someones to her. Either that or a summoning magic that could tie into her possible future as a witch, where she summons 'minions'. I doubt the summoning thing will be allowed, but it was an interesting thought.
Outfit: I would prefer to leave it up to the artist, but I do have a request. I'd like it to be gothic, with lots of black filligree involved... to fit with her crossbow.
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:20 am
Even if you don't want to design your magic girl outfit, you do need to include her symbol, and the language her attacks are in!
If they weren't important aspects, they wouldn't include them. Just fill it out saying that it is up to the artists to design.
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 10:50 am
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Posted: Sun Jun 24, 2012 11:06 am
Uh, the type of magic and the weapon are up to you. XD; Outfit can be left up to them but magic is definitely something you have to pick. If you need help with the magic, it should tie into the wish in some way. Weapon can be a little more unrelated I think.
Anyway, although you wanna leave it up to RP and the artists, I'm fairly certain the staff would prefer it if you had weapon and magic already thought up before you enter her in any customs or whatnot. That way they know what you're planning for her and all that jazz. At any rate, you should ask Roo in thread or through PM to see if that's okay with her since she is the main artist of the shop.
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 3:22 pm
...
Clearly everybody is going to tell me that I'm not ready for this, or whatnot, but I honestly have no idea what her magic and weapon and outfit would be. Her wish, sure, I have an idea about that, but rp does funny things and who knows whether something more pressing than making her brother come back and whisk her away comes up?
Shes inspired by another character of mine, but the main weapon-of-choice of that character is Fists and Spiked Knuckles and it just doesn't suit Li at all.
And outfit... Oh my god. I cant do that OmO I cant design magical girl outfits. I am TERRIBLE with clothes. I wear pants and shirts and thats pretty much it. Magical girl outfits are, by their very nature- absurd and special and pretty. I cant do that.
All I want is my own character to play as I choose, have art of, and horribly traumatize. How CAN I decide these things now when shes little more than a concept on a paper?
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Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2012 4:00 pm
I just left my girl's outfit up to the artist and Roo came up with something really great, but having a weapon and wish in mind is pretty important for a quest! You don't have to have the exact wording of the wish, but a general idea of what you want is helpful. As for the weapon, it could tie in to her desires, personality, or theme, but it's important to at least know that ahead of time in case you accidentally overlap with someone.
As for actual crit, to start with, most of the quest girls I've read so far have been wealthy, so if you intend to enter her in the semicustom contest, a good question to ask yourself would be how can you make her stand out from the others? Is wealth a key point of her story, or would she also work as a middle class citizen? What about upper-middle class? On another note, my girl, Flora, is also a twelve year old with a green colour whose wish has to do with loneliness, so on a competitive footing this could harm you since Flora already exists, though ICly maybe they'd be friends because of it!
Personality: I would strongly suggest expanding upon this. What does she like and dislike? What are her hobbies? What is she afraid of? What makes her angry? What kind of person would she get along well with? What does she perceive as stupidity, and how does she deal with frustration? The personality is very short in comparison to the history, but since it's Liyen herself that you're trying to win, you should focus on expanding this so we can see what kind of character you want to RP with and who we're going to be RPing with if you win her. Show us what makes her interesting! <3
History: I strongly suggest you simplify the history. Having children by three different women isn't necessary and it gives the judges a needlessly complicated background to read, much of which has very little to do with your actual character. Drama can be good and necessary to make a character interesting, but melodrama can absolutely lose you sales, especially since it tends to drag on and on.
Why is she emotionally detached, and why is Roger the exception? You give very little reason for this- what's she like with the rest of the family and how do they treat her considering their somewhat tangled family history? What's her father's opinion of her, and her social position in the family?
"She worked through her moods by studying on her own after being taught to read by her stepmother. " Didn't she go to kindergarten or preschool? How old was she at the time? This whole part is also quite fragmented- I suggest proofreading it aloud for clarity.
"so by the time she entered school, it was clear that she was more advanced in learning and in intellect than the other students" Is there any subject that Liyen performs more poorly in than others? What are her strengths and weaknesses?
The family history is incredibly problematic for me. The fact that there are 3 different mother figures, one of whom is crazy and two of whom are dead stretches my willing suspension of disbelief, and the fact that Liyen is attached to Roger with seemingly no rhyme or reason, as he barely shows interest in her, is confusing. Also, why would his father keep his b*****d children if he was so worried about his contacts and reputation? Surely forcing his wife to raise and deal with b*****d children would have just as negative an effect on contacts he cultivated through her as divorce would. Also, does his wife have any redeeming features? You set her up as a very tropey evil stepmother figure. Why would his wife care enough about Liyen to even try to make her ladylike at all? If she hated her so much, why not discard her? She's not even a legitimate daughter, she has no obligation to care for her. You also mention offhandedly that Alexander is insane and a terrible businessman. If he's so terrible at business, why was he able to wrest the business away from the rest of the family? If he's really as crazy and mistrustful as you say he is, the company should have folded or been taken over a while ago.
Basically, this history needs some simplification, and I don't even see a reason for Liyen to have a separate mother from Roger, except to make her Asian, since her mother dies so soon. I know that she's an adapted OC, but throwing in overcomplications to make her as close to the original character as possible will make her fit less easily with the other characters in the shop and make her much harder for you to win. I know it's hard to adapt OCs to a new setting, I tend to avoid it if I can, so I applaud you on taking up the challenge! I would just put more emphasis on trying to fit her in with the setting is all.
Nitpicking:
"Liyen is aisian in appearance" <- do you mean 'Asian'??
"To understand her story, we need to look at the pre-story, that is, her father." <- pre-story isn't really a term, so maybe say 'we need to look at her father.'
"Roger. Alexander was 9 at the time, and highly resentful. The brothers did not get on well at all from day one, though thankfully Rodger" <- is it Roger or Rodger?
"Edwin had also made the aquaintence" <-acquaintance
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Posted: Sun Jul 29, 2012 10:52 pm
Edited! I was tired though so I think I left something out...
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Posted: Sat Aug 11, 2012 4:24 am
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Posted: Fri Aug 17, 2012 9:39 pm
[12:22:58 AM] Ritsa: I always like to see how these kind of characters react is someone manages to break through this thick wall they have around them
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Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2012 6:19 pm
A few Notes:
I'm particularly concerned about her age and personality. I need to be able to RP her in order to... RP her and some personality archetypes might not work.
Of course, could use solos to help her get that push...
Family, too. They are kind of... oddly dimensioned.
Anyway...
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Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2012 2:01 pm
Hey there! Time for my crit. > w<
Lieta's cute haha, I love polite little kuuderes~
Why is Lieta manipulative? Or rather, why doesn't she even think about how her actions may harm others? Is she afraid of any officials is teachers/law enforcement etc?
What's this heirloom? I'm just curious ~
Moving on, I'm curious as to how come such a bright young girl dislikes books. Understandable that she grew out of fiction, but what about non-fiction? Biographies and history books and such? There's so many types, I find it hard to believe that either she finds them all childish or boring! Textbooks, encyclopedias and such are still books. :3 Idk, I just feel like there should be a better explaination as to why she doesn't read them.
I think it's cute she wants to be good at art, and tries so hard to hide her failure haha.
I think you should emphasize a bit more how she thinks down upon people who can't keep up with her mentally. I think it fits because she's so young that she just doesn't quite understand why, it's very age appropriate.
You also mention her tinkering and the buisness, but nothing else. What's up with that? surprised
Lieta's family history sure is interesting! I have some questions, though. You say she's drawn to her half brother because he was the only one attentitive to her... but isn't her mother's whole life about raising her? Seems a bit contradictory. Even as a stern mother I find it hard to believe she was ALWAYS mean ALL THE TIME. It doesn't make too much sense if her mother has practically dedicated her life to her daughter... you paint her out to be this terrible villian, never giving her any positive traits at all! You don't go into her parent's marriage much at all, what's so bad about it that he can have a mistress and get away with it? But it sure seems like her mother cares about her a heck of a lot, even if in her on misguided way.
Also- am I getting this right? Leita's mom was 56 when she had her? That seems a bit old biologically lmao.
I dunno I'm unsold on her history, I think it's too dramatic and complicated and unrealistic. I suggest you either simplify it or think really hard about why everyone in her family does what they do and elaborate, because it doesn't seem to make much sense to me as it stands!
Good luck though! She's really cute. n_n
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