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This is the story behind my ex and I. I've been told that it reminds people of a movie the way things happened, and I find when it starts to get me down sharing it with others makes me fee better. It's quite long, so I don't blame anyone for not reading it.

We were both freshman. I remember everything like it just happened. I was standing in line to get my schedule when I heard him telling his friends he wasn't going to be in dance because his mom wouldn't let him. He sounded "gay", and up until that point I had never met another gay guy, so I looked around to see who it was. I remember my heart beating so fast when I saw him. Out of any guy I had ever seen, he was so beautiful and perfect to me. We made eye contact, but I quickly looked away. Eventually he and I became acquaintances through mutual friends, and I worked up the nerve to ask him out in the tenth grade. He turned me, but I still had the biggest crush on him. Junior year he got kicked out of school because he overdosed, and I figured that was it, I'd never see him again. Somehow I got his email address, and we'd talk every now and then.

Senior year I started talking to this guy Mario, who I had a crush on. I invited him to stuff drama club did, and one time we were suppose to paint the stage. He asked if he could bring his cousin along because he wanted to hang out with me, and it turns out it was Chris (the guy I liked). All those feelings suddenly rushed backed and I told him YES!!! Well unfortunately I couldn't make it, and we didn't get to hang out. Around spring my sister was having a dance performance, but I stayed home. I got a call from Chris, who told me he got my number from Mario. He said he wanted to hang out, and that he was going to be at the performance. I rushed over there, and he asked if he could come over. I agreed, and we ended up spending the entire weekend together. We started talking all the time, and he'd come over once in a while with Mario. During prom he even hung out with me all night at our after prom party, and eventually he started coming over on his own and staying days at a time, till summer came and he'd stay for a week, go back home for a few days, then come back. When he wasn't there he'd call me, and we'd stay up until six in the morning, when he fell asleep on the phone. Even when neither one of us said anything, he told me it was because he liked knowing I was there. Eventually, he came on to me, and I made my move. We were laying in bed when he started rubbing his foot on my leg. I told him to stop because that turned me on, and he started messing with me even more. I kissed him, and then we ended up fooling around. That lead to he and I starting a relationship, and for about a year everything seemed amazing. I fell in love with him, but he was having problems with his family.

I encouraged him to get his GED, which he did, and I encouraged him to hang out with my friends because he didn't have any, and because of that my friend's girlfriend got him a job at her job. I hate to be that person, but really if it weren't for me his family would still have him wrapped around their fingers. His family knew he and I were more than just friends, and they hated it. They pressured him into pulling him away from me as much as possible. He had to stop what he was doing so he could watch his mom's five kids. Eventually he took a trip to a distance relatives place, and when he came back he was cold and distant. While I was working he told my best friend I was busy, that I didn't want to hang out that day, and then spent the day with him and the rest of my friends without telling me. I only worked till about noon, so it hurt that he lied. Eventually he told me that he was bored of me, and that he didn't want to be with me anymore. Not wanting to lose him, I asked if we could be friends and he agreed. My birthday came, and my friends, him, and I were trying to figure out what to do. The whole time he was complaining about how bored he was, and that he couldn't wait to go back to work and tell them how "awesome" (in a sarcastic tone) it was being bored all weekend. I had enough, and he and I got into a huge fight, then we broke up. I thought for sure I'd never see him again.

A year went by, and he randomly IMed me on Yahoo. We had sent a few messages back and forth on yahoo apologizing for what happened, and he wanted to be friends again. It was Halloween, and he happened to be in town (he was in the Army, stationed in Alaska), so he wanted to know if I wanted to hang out. Of course I was still crazy for him, so I wanted to sooo badly, but I already had plans with my friends. We decided that afterwards we'd meet up. So we each went and did our own thing. At the end of the night we met up, and omg he looked so good. He was in nice dressy clothes, had a buzzcut, and he was toned because of his training. We headed back to my place, and he told me all about his adventures in the Army, and that how out of all the people he'd been with, none of them compared to me. He stayed the night, be we stayed up till eight in the morning catching up, and then he left. Later that day he called me up and wanted to hang out. My friend Laura took me to go get him, and we hung out at her place. He decided to stay the night with me again, and again we were just laying there talking about every and anything, and singing to our songs. He kept giving me hints about wanting to sleep with me, and I teased him about it. Eventually I leaned over him to shut off the music since we were both getting sleepy, and we ended up kissing which lead to us making love. I told him I was still his, and that if he wanted me he could have me back. He said he wasn't sure, so we just stayed friends. We pretty much spent the rest of his time here together, and eventually he had to leave back to Alaska. A couple of weeks after he left, I was asking him something, and he told me, "Well, you're my boyfriend aren't you?" I was soooo happy.

It turns out that he was being deployed to Iraq, so he wouldn't see me for a whole year at least. I knew it would be hard, but I promised I'd wait for him as long as he needed me to, so for the whole year I played Army wife for him. I'd send him care packages, and we'd write letters back and forth. As time went on his missions would get longer and longer, and during those times he couldn't contact anyone. I was constantly worried that something was going to happen, and because his family were asses I'd never know. Still, he made me feel like the most loved person in the world, and on Valentine's day he sent me a bouquet of orchids and a $300 box of chocolate truffles. Things went on like this, and mid march my great grandmother passed away. It was devastating since she was like a mother to me, and between that and the stress from worrying about Chris, I was a wreck. All of my friends decided it was too much for them to handle my "drama", so they all abandoned me. Still, I held it together because I knew I still had Chris. Eventually he came back for two weeks break, and we spent most of the time together. He said that I felt like a stranger to him though, and most of the time he seemed distant. Still, for the most part he'd hold me and reassured me he loved me. He went back to Iraq, and then for a whole month I didn't hear from him. One day he finally signed onto yahoo, and he told me he was back in Alaska. I was so relieved, but for a while I had the suspicion that he was cheating on me because his ex was stationed in Alaska, and he was even there in Iraq with them. He assured me nothing happened with his ex, but he had something to tell me. He then went on to say that he'd been back in Alaska for a couple of weeks, and that his first day back he went out, met some random chick at a club, and "one thing lead to another" they ended up having sex in a hotel. I was completely just heart broken and mortified. All he said was, "So what do you want to do?" I told him that he could either choose to change his ways and we'd stay together, or he could risk losing me. His response was, "Hmmmm.... I choose to lose you". Of course I was just wrecked with everything that happened, but still like a dumb a** I didn't want to lose him so I told him we could still be friends. About half a year later I just couldn't take it anymore, and I asked him why things with his new bf were working out when they didn't work out with us. He got mad because "I got him in trouble with his boyfriend", so again we stopped talking. AGAIN, I thought I'd never see him again

So about a year and a half goes by, and I figure I'm FINALLY over him. He has a lot of my friends as friends on his Facebook, so I figured I could try to be friends with him. We start talking, and it turns out he's getting out of the Army this year (2011). We randomly message each other over the year, and it turns out he decides to come back to Houston. The night he gets back he calls me up late and asks if I want to catch a movie or something. We decide to go to the movie tavern (which is exactly what it sounds like, a tavern combined with a movie theater), and we both have a drink while we wait for the movie to start. We catch up on everything that we missed, and then after the movie he decides to stay the night at my place again. Again, we spend a lot of time together, and he tells me in November he was going to go back to Alaska and try and start a life there because he and his ex were trying to patch things up. Again, he spends most days at my house, and when he isn't there he calls me like eight times a day. I was happy because things were back to the way they were, and now that I was out to my mom she opened up to him a lot more than when she did when I was still in the closet. Eventually his ex proves to be the a** that he is, and I realize from everything he tells me, his ex Blaine put him through everything Chris put me through. Still, I played the role of supportive friend. We got drunk a few times, and one time we almost fooled around but he turned around and fell asleep (or at least pretended to). At one point we were drinking, and we'd gotten into a huge argument. He got so angry that he tried to strangle me to death. Had my friend not been on the phone, and called him on his phone I'm not sure what would have happened. He left (it was like four in the morning) and we didn't talk for about a week He randomly messaged me on Facebook and apologized in his way, and like an idiot I accepted. Eventually November came, and he was all ready to go, but my mom and I convinced him to stay. There was nothing for him in Alaska anymore since his ex and him stopped talking, and we offered to let him move in with us. He decided to stay, and that week we gathered all his stuff and He moved into my room. I let him use my computer room for all his stuff, and things seemed ok. Of course I still had feelings for him, and things seemed to be heading in the same direction they did last time. He'd lay on me when we'd watch movies, he'd curl up to me in the middle of the night (we shared the same bed), and he always wanted to do stuff together. Things would go bad because basically there was a lot of sexual tension between us. Eventually we had sex, and both decided that we could as long as we treated it as just purely sex with no emotions attached. We moved to our new house which my room was smaller, so instead of him having the computer room to go to when he wanted to be alone, we were always cramped in the same room. I let him use my computer desk for all his stuff and PC, and he pretty much got all of the closet for himself too. Well, again it still seemed like things were headed to us getting back together. We pretty much played house, and I'd cook for him and stuff. When he wanted me to read to him or sing to him, I would. I'd always watch whatever he wanted, and played whatever he wanted. Still, like a married couple we'd get into arguments over stupid things: I was too emotional and he was too hot headed. We both agreed it was like we were together without actually being together. I found a job, and since he had a lot of debt I offered to help him pay most, if not all of his bills. At first he resisted, but eventually he agreed to let me do it for him. Around new years his ex called him. Little by little they started talking more and more, and I knew I needed to make my move. One night I pretty much proposed to him. I told him that I wanted us to have one last chance because up until then there was always something standing in our way. First it was his family, then it was the Army, but now there was nothing and we could actually have a normal relationship. I told him that my family loved him, that he made me want to be a better person, and that I couldn't think of anyone else I'd rather be with. He stayed quiet, so I told him I'd let him think about it. All day long he acted like nothing was different, so that night I asked him what his answer was, he said, "Pfft, is that why you've been off all day? My answer is no! I'm not looking to be with anyone right now." I felt disappointed, but I tried to get over it. We continued getting into fights, most of which happened when we drank. I'd start crying for one reason or another and it'd piss him off. He'd take off walking, and I'd be here at home waiting for him to get back. He'd spend a week at a time with his family, and it got to the point where it was like he was now trying to escape me instead of his family.

I wanted to know what he was really thinking, so I created a fake profile on Grindr (not sure if you know what that is, but it's an app on apple devices that lets you talk to other guys in your area). I used a picture of a guy I knew he'd be attracted to, and of course he talked to this fake person (I named Scott). I didn't act any differently than I normally did, but right away he was talking about wanting to hook up, and sleep together, and be boyfriends. I was angry because he lied to me. It wasn't that he didn't want to date, it was that he didn't want to be with me. He told me that his room mate (me) was a spoiled, lazy, brat, and that he couldn't stand me. I never said anything to let him know it was me, but I stopped pretending to be Scott. I knew that nothing I did or said was every going to be good enough for him, and even though I loved him I needed to get over him right then and there. He came back and wanted to drink, so we did. Again, we got into a huge argument, but this time he involved my entire family in it. It got so bad he got the both of us kicked out. I was allowed back that same weekend, but he still had to move out. I was told he could still come over, but he couldn't live with us. Again, I was upset and it took a few week to get over it, but eventually I did. Like a dumb a** I still messaged him a couple of months ago, but now things have changed. I made a couple of attempts to hang out, but he seemed to be avoiding me, so I just stopped trying to talk to him all together. If he tries to hang out, I will, but I'm done making the effort and going out of my way for him. I'm doing wasting my tears on someone who seemingly hasn't lost a minute of sleep over me, and I'm done giving my heart to someone who obviously doesn't want it. So yeah, that's my story. Again, I'm sorry it was so long, I just needed to vent.

The crazy part is I still love and care about him, and even though I try so hard to forget, I just can't. I don't know what to do anymore, this whole thing has been going on for ten years, that's nearly half of my life! I'm just so tired of being taken advantage of, but at the same time I can't let go. So anyways... anyone else have a similar story to share?

It won't be easy moving on from a situation we ourselves don't want to move out of. In a similar situation, I said to myself I won't move on though I know it's a prison with the bars wide open. Might sound masochistic, that I loved the feeling of the suffering I felt but later it just struck me that everything is wrong.

Being the King I think I am, I need to sit on my throne, not lie on my bed. In situations like this we learn more about ourselves but no one wants to suffer forever, one day we'd just laugh it all off and live anew.

I'm telling you don't have to force yourself to move on. Eventually you'd just realize you have to or maybe skip that and realize you already did. It's not easy, been there. Believe that time heals all wounds ( Except a wound from Gae Bolg )

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I'm ok most days, unless I stay up late or listen to sad music.

Good working full time and am in beauty school full time so been very busy. But am excited about my near future. Corporate America can suck it lol. So over retail XD But at least it's a beauty supply. It's also in downtown Portland so I know a ton of people in the industry and feel I will have no problem and will have many options for job opportunities. So very exciting for me right now smile