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Tags: writing, crystalbow, authors, writers, poetry 

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Fire of the Candle

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 27, 2011 8:48 pm


(My friend writes stories about colors in life. Her story "Gray" inspired me to write this short poem)
All I see is gray,
I don't cheer up at what they say,
All I see is gray,
For my mind is now astray,
All I see is gray,
When will this pain go away?
All I see is gray,
Ever since my heart was broken that day.
PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 3:31 pm


I love it! Your friend's stories sound intriguing.The only line in this I question is
Fire of the Candle
What I first saw was red of rage,

It doesn't really fit. Both the rhyme and the purpose of the line are different from everything else so it doesn't flow as well. If you fix that, then this is really nice! Good work!

EstoPerpetua
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Fire of the Candle

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 8:04 pm


EstoPerpetua
I love it! Your friend's stories sound intriguing.The only line in this I question is
Fire of the Candle
What I first saw was red of rage,

It doesn't really fit. Both the rhyme and the purpose of the line are different from everything else so it doesn't flow as well. If you fix that, then this is really nice! Good work!


The point of "red of rage" is the feeling beforehand. The "rage" is when the girl is cheated on. She was of course "red of rage". Then again, I can see how that point doesn't make much sense,
PostPosted: Thu Dec 29, 2011 5:41 am


The point is ok to make, just maybe if you made it fit more into the rhyme of the poem.

EstoPerpetua
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Emmerah
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 03, 2012 11:52 pm


Have to say, I really like this one ^_^ Good work!
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Paralyzed Poets (Poetry Forum)
 
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