I'm back here again, though a lot has happened since my old confessions.

My ex girl friend and I are back to being best friends, though we have almost had a few threesomes with her boyfriend. It still is a huge bit of stress and pain when the two are fighting. Awhile back, he cheated on her more than once with a couple of different girls. She cried to me. I did my best to comfort her and try to keep any thoughts of how she cheated on me with him way back when. That's in the past though. They seem pretty together now. Most of the time, I think that it is great that she found someone that loves her. Some times, I just feel complete despair or anger over the fact that all the 'I love you's and 'Forever and ever's didn't amount to anything now....

I have three types of bad days.

The first is the type where I feel trapped, like an animal stuck in a bear trap. It's like my only way out is to chew my own leg off. I'm trapped by the fact that in my small town in Western Pa there is nobody who is my type (Barely even a girl who is either a lesbian or a bisexual), the constant stress of my mother, father, and little sister, and just the constrains of just being a seventeen year old girl who doesn't have a true outlet for stress. This type makes me want to self injury. It's an issue of control and being able to tear at the anxiety and feeling that I just don't have enough room to stretch out, mentally, physically, and emotionally. There's just not enough space for me, up in my room most of the day because I want to avoid my family and my friends are always busy. Sometimes these days make me want to drink or sample various substances. Drinking is something that I know can become an addiction for me. I have to be careful. It makes me feel 100% better. How could one not become addicted to something that makes them feel that good?

The second is just sadness, emptiness, depression really. I barely feel anything then. Maybe a tenseness in my stomach when feeling really nervous or scared, but other than that nothing. I can barely smile or laugh. I don't see the point in anything. There's nothing I can see in the future even making it better. I see the future, even if it turns out good, even if I find someone, fall in love, and spend the rest of my life with, as doomed to misery. It just seems like nothing lasts forever. Every thing must have a end. Very rarely do both people die instantaneously together, even if only a second apart... There will still be a moment of loss. I just want to sleep those days. It seems the best solution.

The third type is worthlessness. I feel like I'm ugly, stupid, and other very negative terms. I feel like I'm a waste of oxygen, but killing my self would be selfish, as people care about me. Those shouldn't care about me, but they do. I tend to have issues with food around these times. Sometimes it's as simple as maybe if I was beautiful, maybe if I was thin. Sometimes it's deeper more like I don't deserve food. There's people dying of starvation and they're wasting food to feed me....

I'm in the first type right now.. I want to bash my head against the wall. I might as well be trapped in a cell, in a prison. It's the same. Might be better to be there. At least there would be no mother screaming at the slightest mistake I make. No dad who seems to be the Favorited parent then acts cold as ice. No little sister to come in and smack me across the face because "I'm bad". No house that feels like the walls are closing in because of all the things that you can done, watch tv, play video games, surf the web, paint your nails, read a book, sleep, listen to music, reorganize your books, do homework, take pictures, go on facebook, draw, write stories, etc. you have already done a million times. Now all those options ,that once could fill your day easily, are boring. Tv channels galore, unlimited websites, a couple book cases of books, a tower of video games, and whatever else are all boring.