the young poetic writer needs ur opnion (#2) | Page 1 | Writers World | Guild Forums

blissfulend

Dapper Bloodsucker

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Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2011 5:12 pm

hey everyone, im back. For those that diddnt read my my 1st start of this "the young poetic writer needs ur opnion" in writers world i will introduce myself
my name is bailey and im a young-ish (15 going on 16) writer that specifies in the art of dark poetic literature. Im still learning and profecting in what my friends call my "skill" and i will love your opnion on my work
pre-waurning, my spelling will be misspelled alot, i have a learning disabilty is my spelling and my comp dosnt have spell cheak. i would like it if u dont corect me ^^

Running red water
Like skylit booms of thunder
my whispers turn to screams
Drops of water turn to blood
Those drops form to streams
Laying in the depths of chilling dispair
Streaks run red in dark shimmering hair
memories flash befor the eyes
moast from the past that were pushed aside
The pain fades but the color still flows
A smerk forms knowing no one knows
pools of red cover my head
Free atlast
finaly dead

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Wouldnt you love to see
Wouldnt you love to see those colors
splatterd on my wall
My body limp
my brain showing raw
Wouldnt you love to see
the blank expresssion in my eyes
no motion around me except for the flies
Wouldnt you love to see
me speak no more
the last sound you hear from me
is my closeing caskit door
Wouldnt you love to see
your face when you find out I'm dead
oh wouldnt you love to see
me gone forever, never to breath again

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Dear mom
Yea, I dont want to be awake
Yea, I dont want to be alive
So wach this world shake as you send me to die
You betrayed my trust
I'm done
This is enough
All because you had to be nosey and go threw my stuff
I'm sick of your lies
The truth is in your eyes
So s**t
Now ill be forced on meds from the doctor you picked
You diddnt accept me when I told you my secrect
Haveing a bisexual daughter is something you regret
The threats you make dont phase me
The voices dont take me
That broken condom is what made me
now the grim reaper is here
to save me
take me
keep me
maybe just to greet me
It's your fault I feel this way
So when my bodys on the floor
look the other way
Your crazy bi daughter has nothing to say
leave the dead to lay in peace
for the blood is running to release
and join the land of the decect

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Red is to release

I want my veins to dry as I cry
To releave this preasure I hold inside
I want this pain to ease
red is to release
to take my spirt by the neck
then to be freed
every teenager needs to be set free
As that urge gets out of hand
they use contraband
Achol and drugs is now what they need
except for me
Whom strays away from drinks and weed
but what is left for me?
They all have away to release
while im left crying on my knees
I struggle to stay on this road less travled by
I stop to think, and ask "why?"

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Midnight phlight
The flickering light seemed to glow bright that night
Deep in my chest I felt everyone,knowing they were right.
Im a worthless person, nothing I do makes things right
Im atracted to guys who's liveing surrounds smokeing blunts all night
Im Just a hyprocrit as i huff with b***h a** cunts
My home life isnt that rough
Just a mother that dosnt accept me and a dad loseing his health
Never had wealth but never been evicted
Im just a scared little kid that been kicked to much by the wicked
I know people have it rough, but im not tough, eveything is geting to much
I'm tired of fearing every mans touch
rather it be a punch or his hands down my pants geting my panties in a bunch
With these last thoughts
I take my last huff
Climbing onto the bridge railing ready to jump
I kiss my stars goodbye and give my attempt to fly a try.

Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2011 6:53 pm

I really like the first two, They are definitely my favorite.
One thing I don't like about the others is the cursing you used in them. It's always been my opinion that slang and swearing don't belong in writing unless they are used in the proper context. It just makes the writer sound unintelligent.
I do like your writing style a lot though, the darkness of it appeals to me greatly. I look forward to seeing more of your works!

Xelyn Craft

Cosmic Warrior

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youcaska

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Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 12:10 pm

hello

to satr i like what you have going right now its a good style. id just like to point out some things:

for your first poem id suggest takeing out the line "finaly dead" becase it very blunt and all the hints you give the reader and then at the end hit them over the head with it lol the other suggestion is change "A smerk forms knowing no one knows" just try to remove knowing either replace it ore re write the line because useing the same word more then once without a pattern lesssens the meaning.

second poem i love how you resue the same line through out the poem and how you changed it on the last one to add more tension this one does not need any work

peom three so there are 2 suggestions for this one 1: "So off this is my road to demise" this line need a little change it doesn't really make sense and the other is you should remove this: "for the blood is running to release
and join the land of the decect" because it seames forced and it would end well at the line before.

the 4 poem: k 3 suggestions, i know this is the name of the poem but it doesn't make sense "red is to release" so id either change it or just drop the to.
second you use free twice right after eachother id suggest changing that.
third (I stop to think, and ask "why?")
id rewrite this as
i stop to think
"why?"

and the 5 poem: you use night and right really close id romove one of each. i think the swearing is a little ofver the top if you used fewer swears in a row thell have more power, and change
"give my attempt to fly a try" id just drop a try and end it there

now all of these are suggestions and it is your choice to use them or not

Posted: Tue Oct 25, 2011 8:51 am

youcaska

hello

to satr i like what you have going right now its a good style. id just like to point out some things:

for your first poem id suggest takeing out the line "finaly dead" becase it very blunt and all the hints you give the reader and then at the end hit them over the head with it lol the other suggestion is change "A smerk forms knowing no one knows" just try to remove knowing either replace it ore re write the line because useing the same word more then once without a pattern lesssens the meaning.

second poem i love how you resue the same line through out the poem and how you changed it on the last one to add more tension this one does not need any work

peom three so there are 2 suggestions for this one 1: "So off this is my road to demise" this line need a little change it doesn't really make sense and the other is you should remove this: "for the blood is running to release
and join the land of the decect" because it seames forced and it would end well at the line before.

the 4 poem: k 3 suggestions, i know this is the name of the poem but it doesn't make sense "red is to release" so id either change it or just drop the to.
second you use free twice right after eachother id suggest changing that.
third (I stop to think, and ask "why?")
id rewrite this as
i stop to think
"why?"

and the 5 poem: you use night and right really close id romove one of each. i think the swearing is a little ofver the top if you used fewer swears in a row thell have more power, and change
"give my attempt to fly a try" id just drop a try and end it there

now all of these are suggestions and it is your choice to use them or not

thank u ^^
my father passed away a few days ago so im gonna be writeing alot more dark poetry (me and him were extremily close). so i will try to use ur sugggestions to improve my work ^^

blissfulend

Dapper Bloodsucker

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