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 Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 7:05 pm
-Juliet walked along the old wooden boardwalk staring up at the stars in silence. The only sound that could be heard was the constant sound of water crashing against the sandy shore below. Even the small row of offices and homes lining the boardwalk were silent. The silence helped her think. She still hadn't decided if what she had done was right. Juliet knew the two of them could never been but she couldn't help but wonder if it could have changed. The detective knew it was silly to think on something so trivial but she had to understand what she was feeling. She knew she should have been sorry or hurt about leaving him but she wasn't. She didn't feel happy but at the same time not sad. Perhaps a good word for this was melancholy. The woman shivered slightly at the cold night air. Something drew the woman's attention. It wasn't till then that she actually realized where she was. Juliet looked through the window of a familiar office and immediately a small smile appeared upon her pale face. The face was easily recognizable as her good friend and colleague Shawn. Inside of his small office he was pulling on a jacket over his t-shirt and jeans. It seemed strange at this time of night he would be at his office, or even awake for that matter. Shawn walked through the office door and out on to the near empty boardwalk. In his hand he carried another jacket. As he got to the woman he threw it over her shoulders. "What are you doing out her at this time of night. Shouldn't you be in Italy with boyfri... fiance" He corrected solemnly. Juliet took a deep breathed and shook her head. "I told him no" she said simply looking down at the wood below her. She looked back up. "Shawn, there's something I need to tell you..." She was cut off by a finger on her lips. "Me first" Shawn said looking down and smiling at her. He took his finger of her lips as she nodded. He breathed out deeply. "I love you. I have since the day we met and I never stopped. I've been to chicken to tell you tell now..." This time the man was the one interrupted. But this time not by a finger but by a soft pair of lips. She pulled away only to say "I love you too. I always have" Shawn grabbed the back of the woman and pulled woman towards him once more. She jumped up and flung her legs around his waist not stopping the kiss. The two moved back towards the small empty office. Shawn flung open behind the two. Without looking the two made it to the couch and dropped slowly. Finally after close to twenty minutes the kissed was realized. The pairs jackets had ended up on the floor in the passion. "Oh Shawn" Juliet muttered. He simply smiled. Juliet moved from his lap and sat beside him on the small love-seat. She slipped her hand into his and leaned her head against his shoulder. The two sat in silence and soon fell asleep in the darkness.
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Shawn hadn't been able to sleep. He kept thinking about Juliet and what Devin had told him. He was going to ask Juliet to marry her. He couldn't keep his thoughts straight. He had been too nervous to tell her that he loved her but now it was to late. Shawn couldn't imagine seeing her everyday at work, being married to that man. He walked into his office and threw his jacket on the ground. As soon as he could he fell on a small leather chair in front of the TV and turned it on. He wasn't watching he was too distracted. Soon he fell asleep. He couldn't help it in the near silence. After a few hours his sleep was interrupted. He didn't know why or what but something drew his gaze outside. There was the love of his life. Juliet. Her gloves hand slid silently across the rails of the boardwalk. Shawn immediately jumped from his chair and pulled on a jacket when he saw her shiver. He glanced at the clock. It read around four o'clock am He took another smaller coat in his handed and head through the door. nside of his small office he was pulling on a jacket over his t-shirt and jeans. It seemed strange at this time of night he would be at his office, or even awake for that matter. Shawn walked through the office door and out on to the near empty boardwalk. In his hand he carried another jacket. As he got to the woman he threw it over her shoulders. "What are you doing out her at this time of night. Shouldn't you be in Italy with boyfri... fiance" He corrected solemnly. Juliet took a deep breathed and shook her head. "I told him no" she said simply looking down at the wood below her. She looked back up. "Shawn, there's something I need to tell you..." She was cut off by a finger on her lips. "Me first" Shawn said looking down and smiling at her. He took his finger of her lips as she nodded. He breathed out deeply. "I love you. I have since the day we met and I never stopped. I've been to chicken to tell you tell now..." This time the man was the one interrupted. But this time not by a finger but by a soft pair of lips. She pulled away only to say "I love you too. I always have" Shawn grabbed the back of the woman and pulled woman towards him once more. She jumped up and flung her legs around his waist not stopping the kiss. The two moved back towards the small empty office. Shawn flung open behind the two. Without looking the two made it to the couch and dropped slowly. Finally after close to twenty minutes the kissed was realized. The pairs jackets had ended up on the floor in the passion. "Oh Shawn" Juliet muttered. He simply smiled. Juliet moved from his lap and sat beside him on the small love-seat. She slipped her hand into his and leaned her head against his shoulder. The two sat in silence and soon fell asleep in the darkness.
The couples sleep was only interrupted by sunlight flooding the room and the door being opened by Shawn's partner. He stopped suddenly when he noticed the two asleep on the couch. "Shawn?!" He asked surprised. the two woke suddenly. 'Gus" Shawn answered as Juliet moved from his shoulder.-
I really want some feedback on this. Tell me anything you think I could improve and compliments are always welcome. I am open to anything and please tell me if I should use the man or the woman's perspective. And any ideas for a title are greatly appreciated. Feel free to ask questions too.
Note: these aren't the names I will be using. They are names from a TV show this reminded me of so if you have any name suggestions either please tell me below ⇊ Also points if you can tell me what show the names are from!
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Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 8:20 pm
That's amazing. I think you have real talent. I also know what the names are but I'll what to see if anyone else knows!
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 8:50 pm
Okay I just have to bump this. I really think that she is amazing writer and I want others to read this so here it is. *bump!*
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Posted: Sun Sep 04, 2011 10:05 pm
View of a writer: You have a good start on writing this and so far it seems like it will become a great work of art to read. My suggestion as a fellow writer would be to continue this section from the limited third person point of view, however depending on where you take the story certain parts may need to be adjusted to the point of view of either Shawn of Juliet. In some cases, although they are rare, I would also suggest the point of view of yet another character.
Personal View: ^^ I like it so far and I am looking foward to you writing some more, it is a good peice so I will root for you from my own computer!
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Posted: Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:11 pm
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Posted: Fri Jan 06, 2012 8:38 am
Alright, um, apologies if I sound scrambled, but from the view of a teenage aspiring writer:
1) It reads well. I haven't picked apart why yet, but whatever it is when I saw the first sentence I kept reading.
2) Proofread. I know, it's a trivial detail, but your work is at the point where the little things like grammatical errors and typos matter, because it is otherwise well-done.
3) So I'm guessing this is a romance novel. From just the two excerpts, I can't say what else the story is about, but the part about her being a detective sounded unnecessary and confusing--within these tiny excerpts. I don't know the rest of the story and the rest of the story may be all about a detective case or multiple detective cases, but within what I just read the detail seemed like forced exposition. If Juliet truly thinks of herself first and foremost as a detective, then she should think "as a detective, I..." more than just once.
4) I agree with what Kurai said about POV. I think it would be interesting to try a third-person narration, limited or omniscient. Depending on where you are in the story you may need to adjust the POV for the sake of the scene, but try to tell as much of the story as you can without having the characters tell us how they feel.
5) Something you're doing well: SHOWING, NOT TELLING. My idol J.K.Rowling once said that she never trusted writers who told the reader what characters were feeling. The reader feels it much more powerfully when we see what the characters feel through their actions and dialogue.
6) The scene you have posted is much like a movie. It is predictable yet hypnotizing. A million other writers have done it, and a million couples in real life have done it. Make sure your narrator knows that (even if the characters don't), or make your movie scene special. I would suggest either Juliet remarking what a classic setup (or some similar but more detective-sounding phrase) it is, or making the language for these passages dreamlike and serene, showing the reader how dreamlike we ourselves feel in romance. People cannot make decisions in dreams.
7) A little detail that bothered me: Why was she first called 'Juliet', then called 'a woman'? Even if you plan on alternating to get more of a picture of her, that sounds kind of backwards. Furthermore, if you plan on continuing to alternate between calling her Juliet and calling her a woman, add detail to give it a point. For instance "the short woman" or "the shivering woman" would characterize her or describe the scene where just saying "a woman" does not give the reader anything.
Overall, nice work. I look forward to reading more smile
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