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Tags: writing, crystalbow, authors, writers, poetry 

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Her world, my world

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Emmerah
Crew

PostPosted: Sat Aug 20, 2011 10:28 pm


Her world, my world

She’d cry If she found out
I couldn’t care less about her
But why does that make me sad?

She’d be sad if she knew
I couldn’t care less about that
But why does it make me hate myself?

She’d hate me if you told her
I couldn’t care less about it
But why does the thought make me cry?
PostPosted: Mon Dec 26, 2011 11:33 am


By my reckoning your trying to create some sort of inner turmoil, but quite frankly, all I feel is confusion. If you could clarify, it might help a bit. While the parallel structure provided creates a nice look, the general theme needs to be expanded on, often you just restate what you already said instead of expanding or branching out.

EstoPerpetua
Vice Captain

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Paralyzed Poets (Poetry Forum)

 
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