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 Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 1:59 am
Safe and Sound
You say you’re watching so closely,
So why can’t you see…
The pain that I feel,
Or the scars on my skin,
Or the mask that I wear,
Or the fear that keeps me up at times
When good little girls are tucked in tight,
Safe and sound.
You say you’re watching me closely,
Then why can’t you see…
The prayer on my lips,
Or the cracks on my heart,
Or the shield that I’ve raised,
Or the tears that still fall sometimes
When honest girls are held in mama’s arms,
Safe and sound.
You say you’re watching me closely,
But why can’t you see…
The peace that I’ve lost,
Or the blood on my hands,
Or the hope that I search for,
Or the shadows that stalk me through times
When happier girls are falling in love,
Safe and sound,
No more.
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I'm going to be putting all of my commentary on my stuff at the bottom from now on, this way people will (hopefully) read it after the poem, and thus form an opinion that is unbiased by my own. 3nodding
This was originally supposed to be a poem about a stalker... but.. it didn't turn out so well... sweatdrop
Oh well, I actually like the way this ended up. Although, I sort of don't at the same time... but that's probably just me being overly critical of my work again sweatdrop
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Posted: Sat Aug 13, 2011 5:42 am
The comment at the bottom is a nice touch... Anyway, to the poem! I found that it sounded a lot less like a stalker to me than the other poem whose name escapes me that you wrote recently. I find it is more hard hitting than that one because it sounds like someone who was supposed to love and care for the narrator, but was failing miserably which I found touching. There are a few unnecessary commas: you don't need a comma before the "When" lines.
Anywhoodles, great work!
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EstoPerpetua Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Dec 18, 2011 2:06 pm
EstoPerpetua The comment at the bottom is a nice touch... Anyway, to the poem! I found that it sounded a lot less like a stalker to me than the other poem whose name escapes me that you wrote recently. I find it is more hard hitting than that one because it sounds like someone who was supposed to love and care for the narrator, but was failing miserably which I found touching. There are a few unnecessary commas: you don't need a comma before the "When" lines. Anywhoodles, great work! /Late reply is late. sweatdrop Thank you very much ^_^ I'm glad you liked it. As you can see, I have revised placement of commas and fixed it accordingly biggrin
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