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 Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 6:51 am
I'm not sure how this one worked out, to be honest. gonk It feels unfinished again - but that might serve to add to the feel of it? confused I don't know... sweatdrop Anyway, here it is.
Take it away
Put your hands around my neck
Till the bruises bleed
And the darkness dances around my eyes
Take the pain away
Take it all away
Strip me to the bone
And give me a reason not to hate
Press your fingers into my throat
Till the shadows leave
And the emptiness becomes my alibi
Take the pain away
Take it all away
Make this house a home
And give me a reason just to wait
Dig your nails into my skin
Till my tears turn red
And the missing bullets make sense
Take the pain away
Take it all away
Pull me out of the cold
And give me proof it’s not too late
Bury your claws in my heart
Till my soul is dead
And the weight lifts away from my chest
Take the pain away
Take it all away
Tell me that I'm not alone
And give me proof that you can't state.
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Posted: Fri Jul 01, 2011 1:57 pm
I'm not sure what I'm looking at. After reading it, I felt a bit confused... I definitely get that it was supposed to be dark, but I don't really feel as much emotion in it as your other pieces. I also don't get some of the phrases. I'm not sure how they fit. Like "make this house a home." What does that have to do with the poem? I feel like this could be good, but work a bit on clarifying, and using less imagery and stronger emotions.
I did note the rhymes, but only as an after thought... I like that.
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EstoPerpetua Vice Captain
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