EstoPerpetua
Because I recently read an interesting article in my summer English class, I will try to review as they suggested.
The Good
biggrin : So far, I love the story. I'm not one for reading fanfics, so the fact that you kept me interested has me very impressed (granted, I do love pokemon). Since this is pretty early on in the story, though, I can't say much.
The Grammar and Awkwardness
wahmbulance : Not to be nitpicky -- but well, I'm going to be pretty nitpicky for the first part of the story, you definitely got better the further you went into this.
cheese_whine First Paragraph: The first thing that stood out to me was the first sentence, actually. It's a bit awkward. Since the story is in first person, wouldn't it make sense to say "here" instead of "there?" After all, from what I gathered he was already out of the city, and away from it's lights. Second, make your second sentence into two distinct clauses using something more than just a conjunction. Third, you don't need a ... necessarily in your third sentence. A comma would suffice.
cheese_whine Next paragraph: I thought should not be italicized.
cheese_whine Penny's First Bit: It doesn't make total sense to me. How do the parents and their status fit into the same segment as Penny's mischief? The last part about the risky business and promise breaking need a bit of clarifying too. Why did you stick those two together. How do they relate?
I could go on, but I won't. All things considered, you did really well. Your main problem was awkward phrasing. If you were to just clarify things a bit, this would be pretty fantastic... not that it's not super awesome already.
Keep up the great work!!
Thanks! ^.^ For the first sentence, I asked about that on another forum i go to and they said to use "there" since I was writing in past tense, so I did.
sweatdrop I always italicize thought, and I've always read it as italicized.
I really have no idea what I was trying to do with Penny's first tidbit. I just wanted to include her somehow since she's a major character up until about halfway through, when she stops being a character.
I'll grab the next part real quick...
------------------
PENNY“You did great, Jacred! You’re a really good trainer, you know that?” I sang, skipping along with my arm hooked around his. “But what I don’t get is why you didn’t use Vulpix, Oddish, or Pidgey before you used Missingno.”
“Vulpix is a Fire-type... His Chermeleon could have probably taken her out with Dig like it did Houndoom. Charmeleon is sure to know Fire moves, and Oddish is grass-type,” he explained, failing to explain why he didn’t use Pidgey. But I didn’t prod him any further and decided to be grateful he decided to battle at all. He won, we had more money, and that was all that mattered.
We reached Vermillion City in no time at all. The first thing I noticed about it was how busy it was, and the first question that I wanted to ask him was, “Is this city anything like Eastern City?” which, of course, would only be met with silence.
“I suppose,” he started, surprising me after we had traveled in near complete silence, “The first thing we should do is find somewhere to stay the night. I, for one, don’t want to camp out tonight. Besides, look.” He pointed at the sky, which was growing dark with clouds and the coming night. He took off his backpack and dug in it for a second before he found his little red umbrella – the same one I bought for his tenth birthday. I was surprised he held onto it for so long.
~+~
Thunder rolled overhead as rain pelted the umbrella. I clung to Jacred as if my life depended on it.
We’d already found shelter, but I insisted on going out to explore the city a little. He didn’t make any argument, but after about an hour (or what felt like an hour), it started to rain. “I want to go back,” I whimpered. Of course, that was what we were trying to do, but with the rain it was pretty hard to see anything.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “We’ll get back, Penny.”
I looked up at him. “I have the money with me. Do you think we could go out and eat dinner...?” I rolled up my sleeve and checked my watch. “It’s only five-thirty...”
“I guess that wouldn’t be a bad idea,” he murmured. “At least to get out of the rain...”
“Then it’s settled! Let’s find somewhere to eat!”
~(-)~
MICHAELThe day was rather uneventful. After I was beaten by ‘Jacred’, I healed my Pokémon and continued toward Vermilion City for my next badge. The leader’s Raichu was terribly strong and hard to hit, which made the battle longer than I would have liked, but my Charmeleon somehow managed to land a hit.
I stared out the window of the Pokémon Center, only to see the rain showing no signs of letting up. I leaned back in my chair and let my mind wander. After a few minutes, I settled on Missingno. It didn’t sound familiar and looking it up on my Pokémon Browser yielded nothing but a blank entry that locked up my PDA for a few seconds.
What is this ‘Missingno’?~~~
JACREDOne word sums up the restaurant Penny chose: delicious.
The restaurant had the best food I’d had since I graduated from college, and was probably healthier, too. It wasn’t until we were out of the rain that I realized that I was probably starving to death, having not had anything to eat all day besides a two-month-old, half-melted chocolate bunny (which isn’t much of a meal anyway).
I never wanted to leave.
“So, Jacred,” Penny began, picking bits of food from between her teeth, “Let’s discuss our next plan of action.”
“Hm? Fine, okay. Wouldn’t be a bad idea,” I replied absently, taking another sip of my tea.
“Firstly, we need more money. We only have enough to stay at that hotel for one night,” she said. “Then, I kind of want to catch some Pokémon from this world! That Michael’s Pokemon were so cool. I especially liked that one black cat-dog thing, what was it? Umbreon! That was it.”
“Can’t catch Umbreon wild,” I replied. “You have to get an Eevee to trust you, and train it at night.”
“Oh,” she murmured, obviously disappointed. “Well where can you find Eevee?”
“No clue. You can probably find one somewhere, though.” I finished the tea and set the glass on the table. “If I remember correctly, when my parents and I visited Celadon, you could win one somewhere....”
“Then we’re going to Celadon next!” she announced.
“You do realize the key word there was ‘win’, right, Penny? You can’t just buy one, it takes effort,” I groaned. I glanced around the restaurant. “Let’s pay the bill and get out of here. We can discuss this later.”
~(-)~
Back at the motel (which was a little too sleazy for even my taste, and that’s saying something), I took my cell phone out of my bag and pulled up the map app. I laid on the bed exploring the world as best I could in a motel room while Penny took a shower – making a mental note to take one myself before I went to bed – which took about fifteen minutes.
“Which way’s the quickest to Celadon?” she asked. I barely registered the question before I answered something apparently invalid and she snacked my phone out of my hands.
“Which way is the
quickest way to Celadon?” she repeated.
“Through Saffron, up north,” I replied. “Actually, you’re going to hear that a lot. Saffron has four different paths to take to get to four different cities. If you’d give me my phone back...” She quickly handed the phone back to me. I stared at the screen for a second before I wiped it off with my shirt, somehow closing the map app. I reopened it and zoomed in on Saffron City, Route 6, and Vermilion.
“We’re here. We can go back up Route 6, through Saffron, then out west to Celadon. If you go North, you’ll end up in Cerulean.” I scrolled the map a little. “If you go east, you’ll up in Lavender. From there, you can take Route 12, 13, 14, and 15 to get to Fuchsia. You can also go through Cycling Road, which starts at Celadon, to get to Fuchsia,” I explained. “Kanto’s like a big circle.”
“Oh. Neat!” She wrapped her arms around my neck. “Let’s go to Celadon, then Fuchsia. Actually, I want to see all of Kanto. Then we can choose someplace to live. Give every area a fair chance, you know?”
“Yeah,” I murmured.
“You should get ready for bed,” she whispered. “It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”
~~~
JACREDShe woke me up practically at the crack of dawn to get ready to leave. I had planned on staying in Vermilion a little longer, but she insisted on leaving for Celadon.
I laid in bed for a while longer, trying to fall back asleep. Penny wouldn’t dare leave without me, not in this world, at least. But eventually I did drag myself out of bed. I questioned whether I should take a quick shower or not for a second and ended up deciding against it. I would, as I usually do, end up staying in for far longer than I intended.
“Hurry up,” she whined as I pulled a fresh shirt over my head and stuffed my old ones in my bag. I somehow managed to fit everything in my backpack (including my cloak, which was somehow still damp from the rain) as she rushed me out the door. It wasn’t long until she’d paid the bill for the room and started dragging me off towards Saffron, using my phone as a guide. Her eyes were practically glued to it.
She didn’t spend any time in Saffron. It felt like as soon as we entered, we left again. It wasn’t long until we had entered Celadon. We stopped to rest at the Pokémon Center for a while. Good thing, too. I didn’t think I’d be able to walk any farther without passing out.
“This place reminds me of Central City,” Penny muttered. I made no comment, until she started to leave, saying she was going to find out where she could win that Eevee (doesn’t she ever quit?).
“Penny, I’m not going to let you spend all the money trying to get an Eevee,” I warned. “Give me half.”
“But what if I can’t get the Eevee with only half?” she pouted. “Let me take three fourths, please, Jacred?”
“We still need food, a hotel room, I think we should probably buy another change of clothes, we need to wash the clothes we took with us,” I began listing off reasons we would need the money.
She considered this for a moment. “Fine. I guess it would suck to walk around in dirty clothes. And I guess if I see a cute dress or something not being able to buy it if it’s in my size would be worse than that time I had to wear your clothes after I fell in the pool and got soaked and-”
“Can I please just have the money?” I interrupted.
She stopped speaking and counted out the money, then handed me half. “Call me if anything comes up, okay, Penny?”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be fine! If I can get another prize, I might get you something, too!” With that, she skipped out of the Pokémon Center.
~(-)~
MICHAELTaking the long way around to Celadon paid off. As it turned out, Silence Bridge was full of trainers to battle along the way, and Fuchsia, although there really wasn’t much to see, was worth the visit. The Cycling Road was full of bikers and thugs I tried my best to avoid.
The gym leader, Erika, as elegant as she was, was no pushover. She managed to defeat all of my Pokémon but my Charmeleon, who, after the battle, evolved into a Charizard. I rushed to the Pokemon Center to have my Pokémon healed.
I couldn’t help but notice the guy sitting in the corner, who kept glancing up at me from whatever he was doing with his phone. He looked suspiciously like... The guy with the ‘Missingno’! What was his name again? Jacred. That was it.
I wasn’t going anywhere in a hurry, so I took a seat next to him and tried to think of a way to start a conversation. He backed even further into the corner. He didn’t seem very social, but I remembered what that girl (Penny, was it?) had said about him not liking people very much.
I guess not all of us are social butterflies.
“So, uh... Jacred, your name was...?”
He stared at me in silence, neither confirming or denying my statement. So I went on, “That Pokémon you battled me with, you remember, on Route 6? Missingno. What is it?”
“Long story,” he replied softly, and left it at that.
“I have time.”
“I, uh... Well, I don’t really...” He tried to avoid directly answering my question, or at least it seemed that way. I decided to drop the subject.
“Where’s your girlfriend?” I asked.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” he answered immediately. “Or at least, we’re not together like that. We’re just really good friends. But, uh, she went to find out where you could win an Eevee because I told her that my parents told me when I was little, you could win one in Celadon somewhere... She liked your Umbreon.”
I nodded. I didn’t expect him to go on any further, but he continued, “I didn’t expect to see you in Celadon... Is there any particular... reason why you’re here?”
“I’m a trainer,” I replied. “I’m collecting the badges so I can challenge the Pokémon League. The Celadon Gym was the next one I had to challenge.”
“I see. There’s something like that in the place I’m from,” he said. “Except, it’s... Different. Kind of like selection for a government position that everyone who’s 18 is given the option to enter. My parents would’ve wanted me to go, but...”
“I’ve never heard of a region that did that.”
“I never said it was a region. Actually, it’s not even in this world...” He seemed to realize what he’d said and covered his mouth in one hand.
But it was too late, and then my head was flooded with questions. “I-I really should leave, I should go find somewhere for Penny and I to stay the night.”
I put one of my hands on his shoulder. “Celadon’s huge. If you leave, do you think she’ll even be able to find you?” That stopped him.
“Heh, I guess now you’re going to think I’m crazy, right?” he laughed nervously.
“Yeah, you totally ran the asylum.” The sarcasm in my tone was almost tangible. “What with the weird Pokémon and the strange mark on your face.” He defensively traced the mark down from his eye onto his cheek, as if he didn’t believe that it was strange. “I have time. You seem like a good person. Why not stay and chat?”
“I’m not a person,” he muttered. “Not by your standards, at least.”
I raised an eyebrow. Maybe he really was crazy. Still, I went on. “Sure you are. I bet you and your friend just got those tattoos on your face while you were drunk or something.”
“We were born with them.”
Awkward silence.
“So, about that ‘Missingno’... It looked like one of the things I saw in Pewter Museum, but way bigger, and, uh, alive.”
“Missingno is one of the most common Pokemon where I’m from...” I refrained from asking where, exactly, he was from. “There are different forms. One takes the form of a ghost, another of what you call Aerodactyl. And the one I have takes the form of Kabutops. And then there’s one that randomly shifts between forms. The rarest of all is dangerous, and otherwise looks like shifting Missingno. Ghost, Areodactyl, and Kabutops Missingno can learn any move as long as they see it.”
That made sense. Or at least, I thought it did.
~(-)~
PENNYMy luck sucks.
Not only did I not get enough coins to get the Eevee, I managed to spend all the money I’d brought with me.
Maybe if I ask nicely, Jacred will give me some more money, I thought. Deep down, though, I doubted it. No, I didn’t doubt. I knew he wouldn’t. We knew each other too well to fall for the other’s tricks. It would be stupid to let him know I wanted more money. He’d just make sure I didn’t.
I walked back inside the Pokémon Center and scanned the building for Jacred, quickly spotting him sitting on one of the corner chairs next to the Umbreon trainer – Michael was his name, right?
I walked over and took a seat across from them. Jacred immediately took notice and stopped speaking to Michael, who turned his attention to me soon after. “Ah, how’d it go, Penny?” Jacred asked, although probably not out of curiosity. I would have probably been a little louder and been first to speak if I had gotten what I set out after.
“My luck sucks,” I replied. “I didn’t get enough coins to win anything. But enough of that. Where are we going to stay the night?”
“You guys can stay with me,” Michael offered. “If you don’t mind sleeping on the floor.”
“Do you mean it?” Jacred asked.
“‘Course I do! Trainers have to stick together, and from what I hear Celadon starts getting dangerous after dark, at least recently. There have been thugs hanging around on Cycling Road, so I wouldn’t doubt it,” he said. “Besides, you guys aren’t from around here.”
Jacred smirked a little. “Nope. All we have as a guide are phones that are probably almost out of battery by now. Or at least mine is. The battery won’t hold a charge.”
“No wonder you didn’t answer your phone three hours ago,” I muttered.
“Then it’s settled. You two are going to stay with me tonight!”
~(-)~
MICHAELJacred and Penny had gone to sleep two hours ago on the floor next to the window. I didn’t notice it with the lights on, but when I turned off the lamp beside the bed, allowing shadows to creep into the room, but their marks seemed to glow ever so slightly in the moonlight.
Hours before, Penny and I chatted a little while Jacred took a shower. I purposely avoided talking about anything Jacred had said to me in the Pokémon Center, but it wasn’t really much of a feat. Mostly she just asked about Kanto. I was more than willing to tell her about my travels, starting in Viridian City and ending there, in Celadon.
But in the dark, I laid in silence; trying and failing to fall asleep. Given that they, too, were traveling Kanto, it wasn’t completely irrational to expect them to turn up again. I’d offer to take them along with me in the morning – even though I’d already gone though about half the region already, I’d have to backtrack to make it to the Pokemon League...
~(-)~
PENNYWhere is it?!In the darkness, it certainly was a challenge to find the other half of the money Jacred and I had split. That, and I couldn’t risk waking either Michael or Jacred.
Come on, how hard is it to find his damn wallet?When I was about ready to give up, I finally found it. I tiptoed over to the door and slipped out silently, leaving the door unlocked.
~(-)~
“And the rich get richer!”
My ‘luck’ was better this time around, except maybe my incredible ‘guessing’ skills helped out a little. It only took a few rounds of cheating to get what i wanted, between spending Jacred’s money on coins, rigging the slot machine (although, rigging is such an ugly word!), and a few rounds of Voltorb Flip (highly addicting. Requires so much luck it’s not funny. I’m so happy I’m not human.), I finally got the Eevee I wished so much for.
Then I realized Jacred would probably wonder why his money’s gone. Oops.
I hung around the prize exchange for a little bit, listening to peoples’ conversations. Rude, yes, interesting, also yes. An old guy mentioned a downstairs level of the game corner that used to be the hideout to some team. Rocket? But nothing on how I could earn the money back.
Jacred wouldn’t take too kindly to having no money (effectively putting us back at square... Well, not square one, because when we arrived we had at least five grand. Turns out that doesn’t buy much.)
After wandering the city for a few hours, I returned to the hotel. I’d just have to take the heat.
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I'm pretty sure this all is filler and transition. There's only one more part before we're up to where I'm writing, which might take a while considering I have a habit of wasting my entire day on Tumblr.
I love how the horizontal ruler doesn't work on Gaia, making me change all the [hr] to ~(-)~
Obviously, I got way more into it as it went on. Beginnings are the hardest parts for me. :/ At least with endings I can leave them open to interpretation...