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 Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 7:26 pm
Hey there. I guess I'll help get this guild up and running. I'll keep attaching my poems as I create them. Any form of criticism (even if it is just that one of them sucks so much that it isn't even worthy of being called trash) is more than welcomed, and any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated. I'll try my hardest to comment on others' works, but I apologize if my opinions are inaccurate as to what good writing is according to fellow members. Thanks in advance for the time you spend reading and critiquing my poetry!
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Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 7:34 pm
-My Soldier-
My silver cell phone rang
with the tone of America the Beautiful.
The long anticipated sound of your voice
made the stars in my eyes blur.
I've been waiting so long to hear from you.
Just minutes into the conversation,
I interrogated on how you were.
You replied, "I'm fine; don't worry."
In my heart I wondered, how could I not
when you were so far away.
Hours passed before I had to go.
Tears like sparkling sequins softened my cheeks
as I stuttered out a meek "I love you".
You said it back & added, "One more thing.
Open the front door."
I stumbled through the pitch-black living room
to unlock the heavy oak door.
Upon my creaky front porch swing,
sat the most stunning sight I've ever seen:
My Soldier.
-EDITED VERSION-
My silver cell phone rang,
America, the Beautiful.
Your long awaited voice
made my starry eyes blur.
I questioned how you were.
You replied, "I'm fine; don't worry."
I wondered, how could I not,
when you were so far away.
Sparkling sequin tears
softened my face as I said
"Good-bye and I love you."
for the last time that night.
You said the sentiment back,
and then added, "Wait a sec.
Check out the surprise you have
waiting on the front porch."
I stumbled through the living room
to unlock the old oak door.
Lounged on my front porch swing,
sat the most stunning sight I've ever seen:
My Soldier.
- Thank you, Almea, for the tips. I used them, as you can see, and I believe it sounds noticeably better. Please, everyone, continue to give suggestions for I appreciate them very much.
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Posted: Sun Feb 05, 2006 7:51 pm
~Blueberry Muffins~
"Grandma, Grandma! Make me muffins!"
cried the blue-eyed beauty
at Grandma's house one night.
"Baby, Grandma can't make make muffins,"
her mama said soothingly back.
"Grandma's gone forever now.
Don't you understand that?"
Grandpa then took down the ashes
in the porcelain urn on the mantle.
He said, "Sweetheart, do you see this?
This is Grandma now.
But I'm sure if she were here,
she'd make you muffins somehow."
The young girl gazed into her papa's eyes,
then looked away with tears.
"Grandma's right here," she said
as she reached up her fragile hand.
"She's making me a muffin.
Can't you see her standing there?"
Mama & Papa turned their backs
to talk about Grandma.
When they turned back around,
they didn't believe what they saw.
Their little golden angel sat
with a blueberry muffin in her hands.
"Grandma always knew
blueberry was my favorite."
*Note- I already posted this in OP/L. I just re-posted it here for those of you who don't avidly read that forum*
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Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 2:57 pm
EwMonkeys22 My SoldierMy silver cell phone rang with the tone of America the Beautiful. Already the second line here is very syllable heavy, something I notice in both your poems. It's important to keep in mind both visual and spoken length. You could lose everything up to the name in line two and convey the point more succinctly. EwMonkeys22 The long anticipated sound of your voice made the stars in my eyes blur. Again, a heavy line at first, but I love the visual conjured in the second line. I think it's a little verbose, 'my starry eyes', maybe? EwMonkeys22 I've been waiting so long to hear from you. I think there's a tense problem here, unless you're going to quote the line or it was intended to be read as a quote. EwMonkeys22 Just minutes into the conversation, I interrogated on how you were. Ouch, my tongue. What are these first missing minutes of conversation and why are you being so formal? Interrogated. That word holds bureaucratic connotations for me. EwMonkeys22 You replied, "I'm fine, don't worry." In my heart I wondered, how could I not when you were so far away. In my heart. That's a cagey string of words for any poet. There's a nice lyricism to the final line here. EwMonkeys22 Hours passed before I had to go. There's something not-very-poetic about how you've phrased this. Break it into two lines if that's the space you need to provide elegance. EwMonkeys22 Tears like sparkling sequins softened my cheeks Metaphor would be more effective than simile here, and it would help cut the heaviness of this line. EwMonkeys22 as I stuttered out a meek "I love you". Again, not-very-poetic. Sure, you don't want to get caught up in the thine and therefore of it all, but this is prose writing, lacking the incandescent feel innate in poetry. EwMonkeys22 You said it back & added, "One more thing. Open the front door." Personal experience made me give a little girly quiver and squee at this. But it's prose. EwMonkeys22 I stumbled through the pitch-black living room to unlock the heavy oak door. You've never given any indication of environmental time, and now your reader is supposed to understand why it's dark. In fact, you've never given any situational or environmental description at all before now. That's just fine, but you have to keep it up. Either you immerse me in your environment, or you make it irrelevant. EwMonkeys22 Upon my creaky front porch swing, Why upon? Why did you slip out of the vernacular here, so close to the end? Don't do that. EwMonkeys22 sat the most stunning sight I've ever seen. The half-rhyme here was the most poetic part of your poem. In these two lines you have a rhythm that swings your reader forward, and you never established that in the rest of the poem. Try to. Aww, how trite. Whatever, maybe it's poignant to you, and I certainly don't mean to offend. That's just my liberalfeministantiwar sentiment talking. You've made this line the be all end all of your poem, and this is the point you were aiming for. You've reached it, good for you. If you ever want to present this poem to an audience you anticipate might find it trite, soldier could easily be replaced with something less.... whatever. Overall this is an upper-middling-average piece for a beginning poet, but I get the sense that you need review on some basic concepts like meter, rhythm, tone and balance. I recommend that you head into the OP/L and check out a wonderful sticky authored by our golden girl, Have Your Pi. Always remember that poetry is the incandescence of language, meant to be a brillant flare to leave after-images with a reader, and that it evolved as a spoken art form. Poems not suited for readings are hardly poems at all, regardless of whether or not that is the author's intended use for a piece.
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Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2006 7:17 pm
~Field Guardian~
Protecting the abandoned field,
stands a man true to his deed.
Years after his master fled,
he's still determined to succeed.
His golden locks are stiff and dry
yet not a tear will he cry.
Continuing to frighten flocks,
though few fly by anymore.
He takes such pride in his work,
but no one else is there to adore
the endless days and nights he strains,
and wishes he only had a brain.
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Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 12:54 am
'My Soldier' brought a tear to my eye! Well done on those amendments smile
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Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 2:13 am
EwMonkeys22 ~Field Guardian~
Protecting the abandoned field,
stands a man true to his deed.
Years after his master fled,
he's still determined to succeed.
His golden locks are stiff and dry
yet not a tear will he cry.
Continuing to frighten flocks,
though few fly by anymore.
He takes such pride in his work,
but no one else is there to adore
the endless days and nights he strains,
and wishes he only had a brain. I have to know, is this poem about the scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz? If so very clever, if not than i'd like to make some changes, however first i need to know what your intention was.
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Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 6:26 am
EwMonkeys22 ~Field Guardian~
Protecting the abandoned field,
stands a man true to his deed.
Years after his master fled,
he's still determined to succeed.
His golden locks are stiff and dry
yet not a tear will he cry.
Continuing to frighten flocks,
though few fly by anymore.
He takes such pride in his work,
but no one else is there to adore
the endless days and nights he strains,
and wishes he only had a brain. That is very very good, though the rhyming was a tad enforced. You did a great job looking at it through the Scarecrow's eyes as if he was a human. ^_~
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Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 2:06 pm
Yes, the scarecrow was the character I had in mind. Thank you both for the feedback on this poem.
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Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 1:30 pm
`Suicidal Barbie`
Hanging from some rubberbands
atop a dim stairwell,
she drops to her demise.
The perfect, pretty, little girl
gave up her disguise.
---
Her life was so publicized.
It was a facade from the start.
Her boyfriend, Ken, cheated on her
& abolished her poor heart.
---
She was more than a blonde ditz.
She had feelings, too.
She wanted to prove to everyone
that pink Corvettes aren't all in life,
and girls just need to have fun.
---
So she hangs there, still gorgeous,
in high heels & a black goth dress.
Blood pouring down her chest,
Suicidal Barbie, put to rest.
~Story behind the poem: In math class, for some reason that is yet to dawn on me, we are doing 'Barbie Bungee Jumping'. Needless to say, a few Barbie's have died. I just found it to be an interesting though topic. What do you think?~
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Posted: Wed Feb 08, 2006 5:51 pm
EwMonkeys22 `Suicidal Barbie` Hanging from some rubberbands atop a dim stairwell, she drops to her demise. The perfect, pretty, little girl gave up her disguise. First Stanza is quite good, however you just have some mismatch is relation to tense. 'she drops to her demise' is present tense she is in the process of doing it, however then you go on to say 'gave up her disguise', saying she has already done it, it could still make sense this way however it is just a little choppy so my suggestion would quite simply be - giving up her disguise. --- EwMonkeys22 Her life was so publicized. It was a facade from the start. Her boyfriend, Ken, cheated on her & abolished her poor heart. This stanza is quite good, the only thing i can really see is i'd get rid of the commer after ken, just adds more flow. --- EwMonkeys22 She was more than a blonde ditz. She had feelings, too. She wanted to prove to everyone that pink Corvettes aren't all in life, and girls just need to have fun. First thing i notice about this stanza is the repeat of 'She' so my suggestions for the first line would be 'Being more than a blonde ditz' 'She had feelings too' Drop the commer after feelings too 'Wanting to prove to everyone' I don't like the pink corvette line, it seems too wordy and it just doesn't seem to go, my suggestion is as follows - Pink Corvettes are not just her. Now the last line saying that girls just need to have fun goes against the grain of the poem in that it kind of reinforces the ditzy thing about barbie. So my suggestion - Simple stereotypes striving to be outdone --- EwMonkeys22 So she hangs there, still gorgeous, in high heels & a black goth dress. Blood pouring down her chest, Suicidal Barbie, put to rest. Now the rhyming goes off here as with the last 4 line stanza you rhymed the second line with the 4th line. But no matter this is a strong end to the poem and reinforces the title, mood, theme of the poem. Well done i like it's originality and also attempts to provoke thought about how women can be perceived. Well done.
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Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 2:56 pm
First off, thank you, Emjay_Funk. I love what you did with the third stanza and the other little suggestions for the rest of it.
Now... I have another for you all to hopefully enjoy. It may be a little cliche or overdone, but I believe it's still alright. Here ya go:
>Who Are You?<
Sexy skater boys
Plus peppy chearleaders
Broken gothic wanna-bes
And good-for-nothing cheaters.
The girl who knows it all
And the guy with the football.
Band geeks, jocks, and drama queens,
A couple of kids tryin' to be seen.
Good girls, bad boys, broken hearts
'Friends Forever' fall apart.
Wanna figure out what's cool.
Welcome my friend, to high school.
(Oddly enough, I'm not even in high school yet...)
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Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2006 11:25 pm
EwMonkeys22 - Thank you, Almea, for the tips. I used them, as you can see, and I believe it sounds noticeably better. That's what I'm good for sugarbean. Thanks for not being a newblette about the whole thing. The poem does sounds leaps and bounds better.
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Posted: Fri Feb 10, 2006 6:46 pm
I haven't decided if I am finished, but I like the images this emits. Also this is the first one of love that I have written that isn't pure cliches and poor structure. Should I add more? Leave it? Just scrap it?
-Galaxy-
Their passion surmounted to such a degree,
that just a drop was twice the universe.
**
Questions fly like
comets in thought bubbles.
Arms embrace like
planets orbitting the sun.
Tears drop like shooting stars,
collecting in constellation pools.
**
The infinite expanse of their emotion
holds more life than earth ever could.
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Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2006 11:16 am
i like it!......but then again i know nothing about poetry, and i need to read "Poetry for Dummies".
whee
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