The Time, She didn't know, all she did know was that it was late. From her window she could only see dark, it was a new moon. No light to be found. She would have looked at a clock to tell the exact time but, she didn't have a watch, & the clocks were all in different rooms of the house. So she just sat there, on her bed in her small flower print night gown & listened to the quiet, steady breathing of the other occupants of the room. After a while though, she gave up on the notion of sleep. All it was, was an idea that didn't seem to want to come into action. She was tired, yes, she wanted to sleep, yes, she wanted to get away, yes. All she really wanted to do was go somewhere secluded & think. But alas, it was for naught, her home was never empty when she needed it to be. So now, when everyone was fast asleep, now would have to work. So she got up & walked through the hallway & to a quiet room. She sat down & thought long & hard. Her boyfriend, whom she'd been with for a long time now, had said something to her, Now seeing as how this boy was so nice she knew that the small three words, that just happened to mean such a big thing, weren't meant to scare or worry her. She knew that. So then, why did it? So she grabbed a pen and some paper & began writing, she didn't really know where it was going but she had to try, She made two lists.
She tapped the pen to the pad. She asked herself; Now what do I like about him? Her conclusion took longer that she would have expected, but finally she started writing; "What I like about him ... he's smart, he's nice, he's always thinking of me," ... she paused. What else did she like? Oh yes, she quickly wrote down "hair" only to just as quickly scribble it out. She couldn't put that, ... could she? This was supposed to be personality traits ... right? She frowned & tapped her pen to her lip. No, she could. She did like his hair. She liked his hair & his face, from his shining eyes, to his nose, up to his ears, & back down to his wonderful smile. She wrote it all down. The pen flying across the small pink pad of paper she had found. She had to think again after that. What else did she like? She liked it when they hugged, she liked it when they kissed. suddenly she stopped & added a third column to the list;
quickly below that she wrote; "Love", "Heart Break", "Expectations", & "What comes next". She was comfortable, but she didn't want to be. She wanted to go against herself. She looked back to what she liked, she wrote "Time together". then switched to the I don't know column & wrote; "how I feel", "how to feel", "What to do", & "Everything else & in between". Now what else did she like? She tapped her pen again. There had to be more, no? Then it hit her, she liked when they could be themselves. She liked passing notes with him in class, she liked joking around with him in & out of school. Over all she just liked being with him. Her friends might have mixed feelings, but it was hers' that mattered. So looking back at her lists, she began to write, checking back every once in a while. Quickly she added to the list again; "I like it when he shows me how he feels, even if I don't know how I do", "I like it when he touches me, reminding me I'm not completely numb to sensation" & "I like that I can trust him". then went back to her previous writings. She started with;
"I may have my faults, apathy, for sure is one. Lack of sensation makes it hard to be with you but I do my best to make it work., so please, wont you give me the time & tell me what you want of me, I'm not good enough. I'm so conflicted, & when I see you I can't help but smile. You bring out the me, I didn't even know I had. I can't say I love you, But I can say I care. I may not be able to express my affection, but I do the best I can. When you hug me, I can smile, when you kiss me, I can laugh, when you hold my hand," There was a pause. She gave a low mumble & crumpled the paper. That wouldn't work. She tossed it to the wall across the way, grabbed another pink piece of paper & started again.
"The time, I'm not sure, How I feel, I don't know. I may be a mess, but it's a mess I need help cleaning up. So give me the time & tell me what you want of me. I can do my best ..." She wrote on her letter of affection she couldn't express. Finally her pen started to slow & she wrote her last words on the page.
"I may not know what I want, I may be demanding & conceded sometimes, but those are just a front. Honestly, I don't know what I want but it helps when you're confused. You say you love me, & I believe you. My only request; tell me how you know, I can't feel it, as I've said before. But , even sill, I want to try, so please, wont you give me the time.
& that's how I feel."
& with that she took her pen & papers, & went to bed. She'd figure the rest out later. she yawned, & on the way back to bed she saw the red glowing numbers; 2:36 A.M.
There was the time.
Time for bed.
What I like
&
I don't know
She tapped the pen to the pad. She asked herself; Now what do I like about him? Her conclusion took longer that she would have expected, but finally she started writing; "What I like about him ... he's smart, he's nice, he's always thinking of me," ... she paused. What else did she like? Oh yes, she quickly wrote down "hair" only to just as quickly scribble it out. She couldn't put that, ... could she? This was supposed to be personality traits ... right? She frowned & tapped her pen to her lip. No, she could. She did like his hair. She liked his hair & his face, from his shining eyes, to his nose, up to his ears, & back down to his wonderful smile. She wrote it all down. The pen flying across the small pink pad of paper she had found. She had to think again after that. What else did she like? She liked it when they hugged, she liked it when they kissed. suddenly she stopped & added a third column to the list;
What I'm scared of
quickly below that she wrote; "Love", "Heart Break", "Expectations", & "What comes next". She was comfortable, but she didn't want to be. She wanted to go against herself. She looked back to what she liked, she wrote "Time together". then switched to the I don't know column & wrote; "how I feel", "how to feel", "What to do", & "Everything else & in between". Now what else did she like? She tapped her pen again. There had to be more, no? Then it hit her, she liked when they could be themselves. She liked passing notes with him in class, she liked joking around with him in & out of school. Over all she just liked being with him. Her friends might have mixed feelings, but it was hers' that mattered. So looking back at her lists, she began to write, checking back every once in a while. Quickly she added to the list again; "I like it when he shows me how he feels, even if I don't know how I do", "I like it when he touches me, reminding me I'm not completely numb to sensation" & "I like that I can trust him". then went back to her previous writings. She started with;
"I may have my faults, apathy, for sure is one. Lack of sensation makes it hard to be with you but I do my best to make it work., so please, wont you give me the time & tell me what you want of me, I'm not good enough. I'm so conflicted, & when I see you I can't help but smile. You bring out the me, I didn't even know I had. I can't say I love you, But I can say I care. I may not be able to express my affection, but I do the best I can. When you hug me, I can smile, when you kiss me, I can laugh, when you hold my hand," There was a pause. She gave a low mumble & crumpled the paper. That wouldn't work. She tossed it to the wall across the way, grabbed another pink piece of paper & started again.
"The time, I'm not sure, How I feel, I don't know. I may be a mess, but it's a mess I need help cleaning up. So give me the time & tell me what you want of me. I can do my best ..." She wrote on her letter of affection she couldn't express. Finally her pen started to slow & she wrote her last words on the page.
"I may not know what I want, I may be demanding & conceded sometimes, but those are just a front. Honestly, I don't know what I want but it helps when you're confused. You say you love me, & I believe you. My only request; tell me how you know, I can't feel it, as I've said before. But , even sill, I want to try, so please, wont you give me the time.
& that's how I feel."
& with that she took her pen & papers, & went to bed. She'd figure the rest out later. she yawned, & on the way back to bed she saw the red glowing numbers; 2:36 A.M.
There was the time.
Time for bed.
