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 Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 12:19 am
My body shivers as the wind blows by,
To get up I will no longer try,
Blood still is stained on war grounds,
Where there can't be even a single sound,
The enemy had struck me in the back,
and had stolen my supply sack,
Foolish we were to take such a dare,
We should of know the number would be unfair,
The price was our lives and the general's head,
Who in the middle of all lays dead,
Why was this to be our fate,
For a second chance is too late,
My heart begins to stop beating,
My pain still increasing,
All I have left to say,
Don't make a mistake like we did today.
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Posted: Mon Apr 25, 2011 6:56 am
I got shivers reading it! Great work. I love the message! Now, some areas that could use improvement: In line 8 (I think) it should not be "should of know" but "should have known." Line 10 should have commas offsetting the prepositional phrase. At the end of line 11 there should be a question mark, but other than that, it's really great -- especially the last line which I think pulls the whole thing together, and is an exceptional closing.
I'd love to read more!
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EstoPerpetua Vice Captain
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