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swiggityswootytootyfruity

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 9:56 pm


Rate My Writing
This thread can be a place for us to post our literary creations and open them up to constructive criticism and kind words.


Rules:
~Follow all guild and Gaia TOs
~Try your best not to actually offend anyone -keyword "constructive"
~Keep the language at PG-13
~Keep noob/n00b/newb insults at a minimum
~Do not completely bash other people's work
~Basically, do not do anything that would make someone get annoyed



Post away!
PostPosted: Mon Apr 11, 2011 10:03 pm


Well, I'll shamelessly post a poem I wrote~

At first I thought I made a mistake.
I thought things would be much different.
It really makes my heart ache
For no one sees what the world is meant.
People make these things so hard.
Everyone is trying to be someone else.
I thought you would put up your guard
and go through life with another pulse.
I believed that you definately fought
against what other people say.
It has been harder than i thought
to make you see in any way.
When you first caught my eye,
I knew you were not fake.
When you walked by,
I saw the chance I had to take.
I stopped you with a sweet "Hello",
you nodded back in reply.
We began to talk, and you made me glow
becuase you listened and didn't lie.
We had hung out for a long while,
then I realized something was wrong.
You were nervous and didn't smile
as we would talk and walk along.
Things were changing, I could see.
One day you stopped and said "I can't".
I asked no questions and let you be,
but you still went on a rant.
You yelled how the world was not fair,
and I stood and listened.
You said the world was just too bare,
and I stood and listened.
You said people needed to see,
and I stood and listened.
You said people did not need me,
and I stood and listened.
You stopped.
I stood.
You said you had to leave me now.
I asked why I you had this change of heart.
You said that things were changing now.
I said good-bye; it hurt like a dart.
A while later you walked, alone, on by
the place I sat when we first met.
You looked over and caught my eye,
I whispered, “You see? Now what do you get?”
You came over to where I was.
I tried to ignore you.
You said you were very sorry because
you saw I was hurt, you knew.
You sat next to me and explained what happened,
that you were temporarily blind.
You hugged me and said I was always your friend.
Those words repeated in my mind.
And then I turned toward your face.
I saw that you finally understood
the realities of this place,
and that you always would.
My mistake was not so bad after all,
even though you left and closed your eyes.
I will make sure we never fall.
Soon people will see and open their eyes.


I also submitted this in the Gaia Arenas so if you would like to vote for it, (even if you hated it with a bloody passion) here's the link: Click here!

swiggityswootytootyfruity

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Dark-Velvet-Revolver
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 4:00 am


I think you did just fine you may want to edit this line

I asked why I you had this change of heart.

and get rid of I. Other than that it's a nice poem Also feel free to make poems that don't rhyme every other line I would like to see you do one that doesn't rhyme every other line I think you would do very well at it ^^
PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 4:38 pm


Thanks for the advice. I didn't even notice that. >< xD
I wrote a lot of poems for the Valentine's Day event, but they mostly rhyme... haha I think I have some that didn't though.

swiggityswootytootyfruity

Desirable Bloodsucker

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:11 pm


I kind of like free form poetry where people rhyme here and there and don't rhyme elsewhere it takes good skills in writing to be able to make it work ^^
PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 3:38 pm


A lonely angel am I.
Left with no one to be with.
I came to this world in search for a love, and yet, I have not found him...
I look at the phone every ten seconds for a reply back!
My wings turned black, I can no longer fly.
Now Im stuck on this planet, never being able to go back to my world.
I forgot my name because I dont need it.
Ill never be able to tell it to him.
Thats the only use of a name after all.
My rose is wilting and my heart is black.
With every petal falling, I lose a bit of my life.
Only a few petals remain.
When will the petals stop?

Darkness Dragons Revenge

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anjelica-sshii

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 3:58 pm


i was once young i had great times but now i have not a lot and would love some happines i have no friends but 1 i just wish i had all of my gaian friends in real life that would make me so happy but it will never happen i pray day and night and still nothing emo emo
PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 6:51 pm


Darkness Dragons Revenge
A lonely angel am I.
Left with no one to be with.
I came to this world in search for a love, and yet, I have not found him...
I look at the phone every ten seconds for a reply back!
My wings turned black, I can no longer fly.
Now Im stuck on this planet, never being able to go back to my world.
I forgot my name because I dont need it.
Ill never be able to tell it to him.
Thats the only use of a name after all.
My rose is wilting and my heart is black.
With every petal falling, I lose a bit of my life.
Only a few petals remain.
When will the petals stop?


Aww this is so sad! It's really good though. ^^

swiggityswootytootyfruity

Desirable Bloodsucker

10,000 Points
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swiggityswootytootyfruity

Desirable Bloodsucker

10,000 Points
  • Nerd 50
  • Survivor 150
  • Invisibility 100
PostPosted: Wed Apr 13, 2011 7:10 pm


Here's another... Geeze, I've been writing so much random poetry lately. haha This one doesn't rhyme, I don't think. xD

It's on my dA.
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