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I lost one of the greatest friends I'd ever had, everytime I get an e-mail from this person, my heart lurches, or when I look at their picture. I still have a scar from what happened, and I know it will never go away, no matter who tries to help me. Some tell me to get over it, that time heals all, that might be true for some, but not all.

Cay-Kun

I worry about him.
He's been busy after school today and so stressed out. I didn't talk to him for a few hours and I enjoyed the alone time.
I never get that anymore.
But he texted me saying that his mom and him had fought and he was grounded. I understood and agreed to talk tomorrow.
But then he texted me again at 9:45 saying, and I quote:
"Oh my god... I almost killed myself and mom almost left the house to buy cigarettes... stop with the fighting! Please..."
A few minutes later:
"Things are happening way too fast... my mom gave me my stuff back so I wouldn't hurt myself, but said I need a job by the summer. I don't want a ******** job!"
I worry and love him. I'm his girlfriend and I'm here to help. But he won't tell me what the fight was about...

I really hope things will be okay...

My heart still aches from the pain you caused, it staggers when I look at your picture, stops when I get an e-mail from you. Yes, I love somebody else, but in the deepest, darkest part of my heart, a tiny flame still flickers, burning in the hope that someday, we'll be friends again. Once, along time ago, I'd hoped that I'd get you back, that I'd be able to hug you again, to hear you say I love you. But now that hope is gone, replaced by a conection so strong, that not even distance can sever it.

With her, yes the passion is there, but it's more of just a hug can send my heart racing. The wounds you left, she fixed them, stitched them back together, when I thought they would never heal. I love her, and my heart belongs to her, forever and always.

Today is, by far, the worst ******** day of my life.
I can't detail every single thing, but me and my boyfriend have been up since 10, fighting. Mainly because I'm a girl with a lot of baggage that I'm not proud of.
I actually considered cutting myself.
I already feel like I'm dying.
He made me throw my scissors across the room so I couldn't reach them. Then I say one wrong thing and he hangs up on me.
He texts me saying:
We're through. That was the last straw.
I bawled my eyes out. I don't want it to end.
But, just to my luck, he did call me back. But he wasn't one bit happy.
He was pissed beyond belief.
And then I calm down enough and say I want to try and resolve everything and he falls asleep.
He falls ******** a** s**t c**t licker.
This pisses me off and makes me so sad at the same time.
I just want us to be happy but I can't even do that. Way to go, Marisa, you totally ******** up your future by screwing up your past. Aren't you the smart one?!
Now, back to crying and hyperventilating.
Let's see how late I'll be up! ** cries **

Fight fight fight.

Is that all we ever do?

When we're together, everything's fine and we're always happy. But if we're apart, we fight.

And it got so bad that he said:
Do I ******** care? I wanted to just talk but you kept saying you didn't have enough privacy. So... ********. YOU. GO. TO. HELL. YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ME OBVIOUSLY.

Then he deletes his Facebook.
That basically severed another way of us communicating.

He said if I piss him off again, he's blocking my cell phone number.

Some boyfriend, huh?

Five months on April 8th... ********>

Vent? Vent? Okay... I'll go ahead and vent...

1) The roommates bullshitness

-- Alright, so it goes like this. After first semester of college, we are all expected to move out of the dorms and into apartments, so I moved out with two California girls to a nice little apartment in Oji, Kita-ku. However, I couldn't make my part of the down payment right away because my loan disbursement wouldn't be released until the next semester started, so after winter break... Okay, so one of them paid it for me and I just owed her right? Everything was fine for a while like that until the two of them decided they wanted to have a "family meeting"...

As you can figure, these things never go well... Later it was set in my mind as a "Let's trash the non-Cali girl meeting"... That's the way it went every time. The first meeting, they sit down and we talk about normal stuff, like what chores each of us should do, but then out of nowhere, they whip out this contract! Yes, a ********' contract! On this contract is says things like, Oh, I have to pay the one girl back by March (which was a given since I got my disbursement before then), that I would pay my part of the rent after that point on time, that I would get a job... but then the last bit made it worse... It was the part the pretty much said, if you don't get a good paying job and do all that is in this contract, we'll kick you out...

It was that last bit of the contract that pretty much screamed to me that they thought, "You're pretty much a failure at life and we don't expect much out of you, so we wrote up this contract to 1) Kill in pride you had in yourself before this, 2) cover our asses for when you fail miserably, because you totally are going to, and 3) express me to how little we actually care about you." Granted, that wasn't actually written on there, but you could read it between the lines of the wording that was there and the snobby comments the other girl that didn't write the contract made after we passed it around for signing.

So, what went on then was, I paid back my debt, I got a job, and HEY I got a boyfriend too and started going out and having a life of my own! They did not like this... No, they did not like this at all. I would get phone calls and texts asking where I was whenever I went out with my boyfriend and got yelled at if I didn't let them know I was staying out all night two hours prior to the last train. Seriously!?! Am I you're child?!?!?! I know that from and outside perspective, you could say 'oh they're just worried about you', but then the next bit hit.

You see, in Japan, you generally can't sign a lease unless you are 20 years old since that's the legal age over here. Only one of us in that apartment was 20 years old or older, so in a way, we relied on one another for this to work... Well, apparently, I'm now allowed to be happy and more successful than them without taking a kick to the face.

I went out one night and didn't come home, and I left a note that I wouldn't be coming home. I then came home the next morning but went back out come evening... I think got a grumpy phone call from my roommate asking "Are you planning on coming home tonight?". She sounded pissed, so I really didn't want to go home that night, but felt I probably should to get this conflict out of the way, so I said I would come home, and I did. When I got home, however, all hell broke loose.

We went off into my room and behind closed doors, it started. "It's not working Ren..." she started. This was the beginning of a long rant about how I'm so self absorbed and verbally abusive... about how I'm disinterested and inconsiderate and in general a terrible person... about how I never do my chores {>coughs< I was the only one in the house that DID my chores} and the reason they never invite me to go with them places is because they think I wouldn't want to go, because I want nothing to do with them...

HELLO!!! I'M NOT THE ONE THAT PUT THE WALL UP! YOU ALL DID THAT TO ME SO I WENT AND FOUND A WAY TO BE HAPPY! BUT THAT'S NOT OKAY IN YOUR BOOK IS IT!?!?! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY UNLESS I'M HAPPY BEING A SLAVE TO YOU! I'M NOT ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY UNLESS YOU'RE HAPPIER AND HAVE SOMETHING TO RUB IN MY FACE!

So, after that, I cried, and called my boyfriend, and cried to him, and he was shocked about what was going on... After that, I started the search for a place to move, and once I found a place and figured everything with that mess out, something else happened...

2) Cult b***h

-- So I had everything sorted out about where I was moving and was happy about this. I was about to strike out on my own, and everything was going to be awesome! Then, out of nowhere, I got blindsided with hostility again... This time it was from someone I met at the beginning of my adventure over to Japan.

It started out strangely enough... I was online, talking to her, because she messaged me, and all of a sudden, we went from talking about how I'm moving out and looking forward to it to her saying "I really enjoy just watching people... I don't see them as real people, just things for me to watch and play with..." I probably should have assumed from that statement that I was her current play thing and she wanted to make me cry... however, I still choose to see the best in her until she finally just snapped and laid out just about every possible insult you can think of IN THE WORLD for someone like me.

It hurt as this was the second time in one month that I was being told I"m a horrible person and should go die in a hole somewhere... For every smile I had, there was a kick to the face of greater force than that of the sun beating down on my skin... NOT FUN!

3) Mental abuse

-- After the climaxes of those listed above, little things in the background kept stinging me. One was, the day after I was told I had to get out, it was Valentine's day... My roommate gave me Valentine's chocolates (or at least the one that bothered to finish making chocolates and give them out, as opposed to the other one that made a bunch of chocolates, got lazy then and just ate all of it herself...). This was confusing as ******** since the woman rips me up the night before and give me chocolates the next day... WTH.

-- Along with this, a shelf had recently been put in our shower area. The arrangement was that all body soap and shampoos and such were on the top shelf, other stuff on the second, and the lower level was just too low to put anything on and still use it productively. So along with there things on the top shelf, I put my things up there as well... When I came into the shower the next day, all of my stuff was 'tossed' under on the bottom shelf. Could they even leave the bottles standing up? No, it looked like it had literally been thrown there!

So it's okay to have your things on the top shelf, and even though there is room for mine, you're going to be a b***h like that and just throw them down under so I have to bend over and get them while I'm in the shower, nearly slipping and cracking my head open... Thanks for that... Needless to say, I stopped leaving my things in the shower period. I don't need my stuff being mistreated like that as a symbol of how much I'm disliked in that place.

4) Earthquake chaos

-- I'm sure you're all aware of the 9.0 quake that nailed Japan on the 11th of March, and I'm sure you know what it did to Tohoku, Sendai, Fukushima... but what foreign media doesn't tell you is what's going on in Tokyo for real. So I was outside for the first quake, and it was pretty scary, but not much damage was actually sustained in Tokyo. (I mean, Tokyo tower was a little bent, but the physical damage to Tokyo wasn't bad...) This being said, the damage that was in Tokyo was psychological, well, and the trains issue...

Everyone was freaking out and buying lots of water (to the point there was none in vending machines). The konbinis were empty, stores were closing early and trains were shut down. People were stranded. I was lucky enough to be at home... sort of lucky... I was all alone for this experience and was up till about 4am before I literally passed out from exhaustion at the foot of my bed. My roommates eventually made it home, but this was the weekend I was supposed to be moving out... Eh heh heh... That never ended up happening because of the quake.

My job was shut down that Saturday after and so I continued to watch the news and text with my boyfriend who had to go back to work on Monday already. Hm, after his first day back at work, he asked me to leave Tokyo with him and go out west. He was on edge because most of the foreigners had left at his job, so his office was half empty at best. They had fled the country over the weekend! My mother pushed for me to go with him to the west, and so I packed up and left Tokyo that night. For once, one of my roommates showed compassion and gave me jasmine tea and a hug on my way out the door. The other one just gave snody comments about how it's stupid to leave Tokyo right now and that it's perfectly safe! (So fled to California the following week.)

So I made it out to Toyohashi with my boyfriend and stayed there for a little while, but we got shook by another quake there. Sitting so close to Fuji was not ideal at the moment, and so we adventured further west out to Hakata city in Fukuoka prefecture on the island of Kyushu. I emailed my bosses to let them know where I was, and talked to my roommate on the phone. She asked for the rest of the rent for that month (even though I wasn't there) and I told her, no, but she could take the 10,000 yen bill on my desk since I couldn't access it and she needed it more at the time since she had to pay extra rent before leaving for California as well.

I thought everything was settled then... A few weeks after that adventure, the boyfriend and I returned to Tokyo. This is when stuff started to happen again. The stores were still pretty barren in my area, which was not cool at all! On top of that, I got a DEMAND then from my roommate that I pay the rest of this month's rent and all of the utilities since I had a key, and thus still had access to the apartment... I WAS ON A DIFFERENT ********' ISLAND WOMAN! Oh yeah... I can TOTALLY access the apartment from over 1,000km away!!! I refused again and so we argued about it... In the end, I'm assuming I won since I still have not paid that rent.

5) New apartment

-- So since I had been kicked out of the apartment in Oji, I talked to my landlord of the place I was going to move to to make sure things were still genki for me to move in. Obvious, the move-in date was a little adjusted now, but still, things were genki. I packed up all my things and started to move in. Everything seemed to be going well! That is, until I observed the common areas.

That's right people, I live in what is called a "guesthouse". In short, it's like living in a house with a bunch of stranger... You have your own bedroom, but everything else is shared... This concept can sometimes be... HORRIFYING! The first scary thing I encountered was the upstairs bathroom. The toilet seat (and heating one) was broken so you could see some of the heat censor in it and the floor was stained with god knows what! I almost threw up right there!

The next horror I witnessed was the kitchen area. This too almost made me throw up. We have one gas burner, and it was caked with unidentified burnt stuff, which flowed up onto the surround wall as well. To add to the offense, the nob to turn it on with sticky with mystery stickiness... All of the common dishes were trashed... I don't know how long that much as been dirty, but I was scared something was going to crawl out and try to eat me in the middle of the night! The floors here were also nasty, but not as bad as the upstairs bathroom.

Something that bothered me as well was the shower area... The flooring was peeling by the door right before you go in, and the door itself was no prize... Okay, it was scary too... Then when you get inside, there are two stalls... But don't forget to hit the water heating button outside before you get in or else you're stuck with cold water all the way! Yes, I had to learn where that button was by watching other people that live here since no one gave me a tour of this dump... Anyways... the shower stalls... One had a shower curtain hanging up, and one you stepped behind you could see the grungy pink tile walls that clearly haven't been cleaned in a year or more... you can see where the sink used to be when this was an actual house! You can see the one pipe leading out to your shower head... Yes, one nob, you have to set your temperature outside the shower before you get in... (usually set to 41C). The hose for the shower head in this stall leaks, so be careful! The shower curtain is also right by the door, so you might end up exposed if someone nudges the curtain too much walking by...

The other stall isn't much better... It has a little plastic sliding door thing, but it was once upon a time, a tub... It is not clean in the least... the other side had a foam thing for you to stand on, this is just a tub that looks like steal gone wrong... I'm afraid to step in there in all honesty... KOWAI!... above this stall is the horrifying little window of doom that looks like no one has cleaned it or even touched it in years... It's probably one of the most disgusting things I've found thus far since I moved here aside from the upstairs bathroom!

Ah yes, there is also a downstairs bathroom, but the sink doesn't work, so you have to go out to the kitchen to wash your hands... At leas the toilet seat in that one isn't completely disgusting...

On top of all of this, no one has told me where I can do laundry here, and I have a loud snoring neighbor. I you ever wondered where hell on earth was, this is it... A small room in a guest house with no window and minimal ventilation, and all of the common areas aren't suitable for anything!!! EWW...

I also have loud neighbors at night... One that lives a door over snore loudly and I can here it through the plywood think walls... We also have a group of girls that live here and come home drunk and giggly at midnight or later any night I actually need to get some sleep... It's very frustrating...

6) You're fired

-- So I left Tokyo to go to Fukuoka for a little while after the quake... I wasn't getting sleep or food or water in Tokyo, so it was the best choice at the time... However, when I came back and tried to go to work, I get there and they tell me that I no longer have a job there. Apparently they hadn't read a single one of the emails I sent them while I was away telling them what was up... They though I had fled the country and wasn't coming back, so they already got someone to replace me... It took all I had left in me from the chaos of the past couple months to not cry... I bit my lip hard and walked back to the station and went home... I pouted, but didn't cry... Later I went out with the boyfriend, a little drinking... and ... stuff... but we don't need details there... the point is that I still ended up back in my hell hole of an apartment that night, sick of life as it is, wishing all of this bullshit would just stop!

~~Damn that was long! end rant here...

It's Senior year for me and I'm just gonna say that... it's hard.

I am our school's Valedictorian and that's determined by our first semester senior grades. Luckily they were good.

But now they're going down the crapper. I have a D in College Prep.English because I've failed my last two essays. Now I have to write a huge term paper and I'm freaking out.

But it's all downhill from here, right?