I can't even do my homework, knowing I'll hardly be focused on that... I just... I feel worthless. Pointless. There's no reason to my existence right now.
If anyone wants to know further what happened, here's some copypasta between me and Martyr in an msn convo:
Ritorin - says
just to let you know
I don't think ill be on for much
at least not this month
my dog died
Justin Zold says
Why?
Really?
Ritorin - says
yes
Justin Zold says
How? ._.
Ritorin - says
I don't know
I don't want to
He llooked so miserable
Justin Zold says
I'm sorry to hear that, I'd be destroyed if I lost my dog :/
Ritorin - says
its fine
i feel awful. both mentally and physically
I'm hungry, but I cant eat. im neatious, but i cant throw. I have a headache.... but i dont want to drink water
*throw up
Justin Zold says
I can't blame you, I was destroyed when I had to watch my ferret die, and I was upset when I lost the dog I knew when I was little.
I know what you mean, you're in deep depression.
Ritorin - says
I found out 20 minutes before i had to leave to this mock exam being sponsored by my scholarship
everything happened so suddenly. I had to leave towards the last hour of that test. thankfully it wasn't the real thing
unfortunately the real one is next week
i dont know if ill feel any better then
Justin Zold says
That's pretty gay
you can't be expected to focus when you're this upset
:/
Ritorin - says
well the executive director understood why I had to leave at that last hour, but sadly the district themselves dont care
whatever
I felt I did pretty good for the four parts of the test --including the essay part-- considering he died within the same 3 hours.
I might do well a week later
*first four parts
what makes me happy is that i still have pictures of him on photobucket
ill save them onto my computer, and ask my to see if i could print and frame them at the very least
i also have his collar, the same one i wore when i revealed myself to tloem
ill wear it like a bracelet
**ask my mom
Justin Zold says
Well I'm glad you managed to take on the mock test so well. Oh? Yeah I have some pictures of our current dog on mine as well. But honestly, that's the only thing I hate about pets, knowing they'll die before we do.
:/
Ritorin - says
same here
im already dreading the same with my other dog. thankfully she's still a puppy... i think. either way she's bound to live at least another ten years
Justin Zold says
One thing I hate
a dog lives 12 years, yet a turtle lives 100
thats gay, how many people prefer turtles over dogs?
Ritorin - says
im glad i still have this picture
taken 3 years ago i think, still relevant
Justin Zold says
Awe, it's so cute
Ritorin - says
yeah
an elegy I had typed up for him in his picture I posted on facebook
Rest in Peace
You will never have to be constrained by a petty little leash
You will never have to take a bath
You will never have to beg for human food
You will never feel bothered by Nala
...You will never have Ema knock over your bowl for food
You will never have to drink from the pool
You will never have to feel pain
You will never feel mad
You will never feel sad
You will never bothered
you w
You will never have Ema knock over your bowl for food
You will never have to drink from the pool
You will never have to feel pain
You will never feel mad
You will never feel sad
You will never bothered
you will never feel happy, courageous, nor a sense of having purpose
You will never be fed
You will never have someone to greet, to make them feel like they exist
You will never stave off my depress
You will never stave off my depression
You will never be the center of attention when there's a gathering at my house
You will never feel pleasure
You will never have a friend, a pal, a buddy,
A master
But worst of all
You will never live again.
Forgive me
Forgive me for my carelessness.
Joey
[end of elegy]
I feel terrible that he'll only be remember on facebook. but it was the least i could do
Justin Zold says
You should also right a poem about the good things about him
Ritorin - says
it feels wrong eating
it feels wrong that im even on the internet at all
i dunno. I was thinking of playing a game to distract me, but couldn't think of one that doesn't involve and is very easy
*doesnit involve death
Justin Zold says
Well, if you feel wrong, try meditating over it and just taking some cool down time
Also, try playing some Minecraft. I find that a stress reliever
Ritorin - says
i havent installeed it at all
so i dont know if that will be stressing installing
Justin Zold says
Oh
Try playing Harvest Moon?
Ritorin - says
i guess
i was also thinking of playing pokemon silver, but having the pokemon faint is a bit too much for me
it sounds ridiculous, but i just want to get away from this feeling for now
Justin Zold says
I know what you mean though.
Hmmm
Maybe some sims or something?
Ritorin - says
i guess
or actually...
i have simcity 4 installed on my computer. a lot of micromanagement, and therefore more chances to temporarily forget
oh, my headache is going away
Justin Zold says
There you go, a chance to make a distraction for yourself
Ritorin - says
yeah
sadly
my mom went off somewher to buy a special blanket to bury my dog in
however she wanted me to clean off my dog, the least we could do before burying him
but i just cant
I cant even look at him while at least cutting off all his extra hair
his body is like a balloon, as if there's no air in him. he's completely stiff, and just...
I cant do it
i know she'll understand though
Justin Zold says
It's not a problem, when my ferret died, I couldnt look at him before we buried him.
Ritorin - says
but she'll feel terrible
ill feel terrible
the way i found him... he was so miserable. he was laying beside a table, under it, and he looked depressed. his eyes were open too... I cant explain it well, but he just looked so very miserable
Justin Zold says
I saw his dead body, and it was the deepest sadness I felt, seeing him so rigid and lifeless, but the next day when we bought a storage container for his body, I didnt want to see him. I had seen him and been sad enough.
Ritorin - says
i guess thats how im feeling
its almost as if he(my dog) knew he was dying... that's what makes it most depressing
Justin Zold says
Mine died in an aweful way, he was suffering from Canine Distemper apparently, where his brain was swelling, and we apparently couldnt afford it, and he'd arch his head, and let out a high pitch shriek, then he'd froth at the moth
-mouth
Ritorin - says
this may sound like an absurd question... but is it clearly stated anywhere in the bible as to what happens with animals when they do?
Justin Zold says
In some ways, I'm glad he died, because now he will know no more pain.
Ritorin - says
Ah... the worst way to go I imagine...
Justin Zold says
No, some say they are souless, some, like me, believe all creatures have a soul.
I believe they earn the same paradise humans will in death.
Ritorin - says
as for that question i asked: I'm getting a bit desperate. That's why I asked at all.
They do deserve a place in some happy afterlife
I just wish the bible weren't so ambiguous on some subjects... but i guess that's maybe a good thing. the reason for the ambiguouity may lead to my "if we knew for sure, we wouldn't do anything" idea
I dunno. I'm getting desperate with my beliefs. perhaps the short lifespan of dogs(and other domestic pets) is to help us reveal our sympathy.
on a small scale, maybe, but to still remind us to care for things, to not be careless
I dunno. Something like that
the headache is gone, so now im comprehending this a little better at least. I still wish it weren't so sudden. But now I've learned to always care for my other dog. The least I could do
and im sorry if i keep rambling on
Justin Zold says
No no, I understand your pain, also, how old was s/he if I may ask?
Ritorin - says
I think... 12 years old as of yesterday
12 or 13
which is odd, considering he had this sort of cancerous lump where his a**s was... he lived with that for 2 or 3 years. we don't know how he contracted it, and the veterinarians couldn't really specify what it was.
I mean, if we paid a couple thousand dollars, they may have taken it out... but we didn't have that money
either way, he lived that long with that, which sort of led me to joking that it was a sort of beneficial lump that would make him live longer
oh god how i regret saying that. and it was only somewhere within last week that i said that
Justin Zold says
See, I hate that.
There is NO way that surgery of that kind would cost more than a few hundred dollars :/
Ritorin - says
well, I would assume that too.
But then again, the lump was pretty huge, pretty much covering his a**s. He could still poop fortunately, but only in diarrhea form I think...
That, and medical science for dogs, let alone animals, is limited compared to our knowledge on humans
I meant hey give us pills to administer to him, which cost $100 which was fair I guess. It didn't do much, but it stopped the bleeding of that lump when those pills were used
*they
the lack of bleeding made me feel a little better... but still, its not like my parents would pay for that weekly. I dunno if there was a reason behind that, maybe to save money. I guess I can understand
I dont know
I dont care
Ijust hope he's somewhere better now
somewhere eternally happy
I can only hope
I'm even contemplating praying for him. I'm getting too desperate, but at least it's not like ive' doubted the existance of good too much anytime recently I think
*god
Justin Zold says
Are you getting desperate? Or are you just looking at the world in a light you never bothered seeing it in before?
Ritorin - says
maybe both
i dunno
although i suppose its fine if my prayer is ignored. I'll understand why maybe.
but if jacob's right, then god is understanding
(my friend jacob)
I think at this point im reverting into a childlike stage. or just severely passive, if that makes sense.
Justin Zold says
Not childlike
you're just hollow right now, and need to find some way to fill your soul.
Ritorin - says
yeah I guess...
brb
Justin Zold says
Alright
Ritorin - says
back
Justin Zold says
What happened?
Ritorin - says
nothing
just checking on his body
I dont know why ,but i felt like i had to
I guess im taking this much better than I thought I would.
Or I'm just in a really soulless state right now
Either way, better than crying
oh thats right
pokemon black/white come out tomorro
w
There's this one dog looking pokemon that I was gonig to name after my now deceased dog
http://www.serebii.net/pokedex-bw/508.shtml
his middle evolution reminds me most about my doh
*dog
Justin Zold says
D'aw
Ritorin - says
yeah
Justin Zold says
how poke and the mon
Ritorin - says
I'm going to permanently use him on my team
Justin Zold says
On Gaia, I have two ferret items I never get rid of in honor of my ferret
Ritorin - says
I've been donig the same, only now i'll be more reinforced with that motiv
e
Justin Zold says
What do you mean 'more reinforced'?
Like, did you do it before and now doing it intensely
or what
Ritorin - says
I mean like... well I dont know. more strict on that rule i guess
Justin Zold says
Ah, now I get it.
I just didnt know how you meant it.
Ritorin - says
Yeah, its fine
now that i think about it
washing him up, getting him ready for being buried, essentially saturating his dead body with water... it will only speed up the molding process. I'd rather not have him look so dirty, especially since we were a bit careless to wash him recently, but i'd rather not have him rot from his insides
That... and if i do wash him, i may be too rough, and his limbs will fall off
Justin Zold says
Well, just take a dampened washcloth and gently run it on his body.
Or, have your mom do it if you think it'll be to hard for you emotionally.
Ritorin - says
she's just as emotionally stricken as me, if not more
And I don't want my brothers to do it... it just doesn't feel right having them do it and not me
Justin Zold says
Well, do what you feel is neccassary
Ritorin - says
yeah... i will
brb, my mom's here. I'm guessing this is when we bury him...
Justin Zold says
Alrighty
Ritorin - says
we finished burying him
out of respect, my mom also bought a new collar that we put on him before we dig him in his blanket. She also put a stuffed animal in there too. I even put a coca-cola bottle cap with his name etched on it too
Oh, and she also bought this little heart medal thing with wings that I attached to his collar
but it was extremely depressing
my other dog was shaking. I don't know if she knows he's dead, but she knew something was wrong. She kept shaking very bad. Her tail between her legs. She also keeps going back and forth, constantly sniffing the burial spot. She'll sniff at other locations and track him down from there, only to return back to the burial sight
*site
even my mom's pig knew something was wrong. She was hiding behind this little stone campfire thing, but I saw her hairs pointing up, which signals that she's most likely stressed. Kind of like what cats do
I feel like I'm regretting something...
just to let you know
I don't think ill be on for much
at least not this month
my dog died
Justin Zold says
Why?
Really?
Ritorin - says
yes
Justin Zold says
How? ._.
Ritorin - says
I don't know
I don't want to
He llooked so miserable
Justin Zold says
I'm sorry to hear that, I'd be destroyed if I lost my dog :/
Ritorin - says
its fine
i feel awful. both mentally and physically
I'm hungry, but I cant eat. im neatious, but i cant throw. I have a headache.... but i dont want to drink water
*throw up
Justin Zold says
I can't blame you, I was destroyed when I had to watch my ferret die, and I was upset when I lost the dog I knew when I was little.
I know what you mean, you're in deep depression.
Ritorin - says
I found out 20 minutes before i had to leave to this mock exam being sponsored by my scholarship
everything happened so suddenly. I had to leave towards the last hour of that test. thankfully it wasn't the real thing
unfortunately the real one is next week
i dont know if ill feel any better then
Justin Zold says
That's pretty gay
you can't be expected to focus when you're this upset
:/
Ritorin - says
well the executive director understood why I had to leave at that last hour, but sadly the district themselves dont care
whatever
I felt I did pretty good for the four parts of the test --including the essay part-- considering he died within the same 3 hours.
I might do well a week later
*first four parts
what makes me happy is that i still have pictures of him on photobucket
ill save them onto my computer, and ask my to see if i could print and frame them at the very least
i also have his collar, the same one i wore when i revealed myself to tloem
ill wear it like a bracelet
**ask my mom
Justin Zold says
Well I'm glad you managed to take on the mock test so well. Oh? Yeah I have some pictures of our current dog on mine as well. But honestly, that's the only thing I hate about pets, knowing they'll die before we do.
:/
Ritorin - says
same here
im already dreading the same with my other dog. thankfully she's still a puppy... i think. either way she's bound to live at least another ten years
Justin Zold says
One thing I hate
a dog lives 12 years, yet a turtle lives 100
thats gay, how many people prefer turtles over dogs?
Ritorin - says
im glad i still have this picture
taken 3 years ago i think, still relevant
Justin Zold says
Awe, it's so cute
Ritorin - says
yeah
an elegy I had typed up for him in his picture I posted on facebook
Rest in Peace
You will never have to be constrained by a petty little leash
You will never have to take a bath
You will never have to beg for human food
You will never feel bothered by Nala
...You will never have Ema knock over your bowl for food
You will never have to drink from the pool
You will never have to feel pain
You will never feel mad
You will never feel sad
You will never bothered
you w
You will never have Ema knock over your bowl for food
You will never have to drink from the pool
You will never have to feel pain
You will never feel mad
You will never feel sad
You will never bothered
you will never feel happy, courageous, nor a sense of having purpose
You will never be fed
You will never have someone to greet, to make them feel like they exist
You will never stave off my depress
You will never stave off my depression
You will never be the center of attention when there's a gathering at my house
You will never feel pleasure
You will never have a friend, a pal, a buddy,
A master
But worst of all
You will never live again.
Forgive me
Forgive me for my carelessness.
Joey
[end of elegy]
I feel terrible that he'll only be remember on facebook. but it was the least i could do
Justin Zold says
You should also right a poem about the good things about him
Ritorin - says
it feels wrong eating
it feels wrong that im even on the internet at all
i dunno. I was thinking of playing a game to distract me, but couldn't think of one that doesn't involve and is very easy
*doesnit involve death
Justin Zold says
Well, if you feel wrong, try meditating over it and just taking some cool down time
Also, try playing some Minecraft. I find that a stress reliever
Ritorin - says
i havent installeed it at all
so i dont know if that will be stressing installing
Justin Zold says
Oh
Try playing Harvest Moon?
Ritorin - says
i guess
i was also thinking of playing pokemon silver, but having the pokemon faint is a bit too much for me
it sounds ridiculous, but i just want to get away from this feeling for now
Justin Zold says
I know what you mean though.
Hmmm
Maybe some sims or something?
Ritorin - says
i guess
or actually...
i have simcity 4 installed on my computer. a lot of micromanagement, and therefore more chances to temporarily forget
oh, my headache is going away
Justin Zold says
There you go, a chance to make a distraction for yourself
Ritorin - says
yeah
sadly
my mom went off somewher to buy a special blanket to bury my dog in
however she wanted me to clean off my dog, the least we could do before burying him
but i just cant
I cant even look at him while at least cutting off all his extra hair
his body is like a balloon, as if there's no air in him. he's completely stiff, and just...
I cant do it
i know she'll understand though
Justin Zold says
It's not a problem, when my ferret died, I couldnt look at him before we buried him.
Ritorin - says
but she'll feel terrible
ill feel terrible
the way i found him... he was so miserable. he was laying beside a table, under it, and he looked depressed. his eyes were open too... I cant explain it well, but he just looked so very miserable
Justin Zold says
I saw his dead body, and it was the deepest sadness I felt, seeing him so rigid and lifeless, but the next day when we bought a storage container for his body, I didnt want to see him. I had seen him and been sad enough.
Ritorin - says
i guess thats how im feeling
its almost as if he(my dog) knew he was dying... that's what makes it most depressing
Justin Zold says
Mine died in an aweful way, he was suffering from Canine Distemper apparently, where his brain was swelling, and we apparently couldnt afford it, and he'd arch his head, and let out a high pitch shriek, then he'd froth at the moth
-mouth
Ritorin - says
this may sound like an absurd question... but is it clearly stated anywhere in the bible as to what happens with animals when they do?
Justin Zold says
In some ways, I'm glad he died, because now he will know no more pain.
Ritorin - says
Ah... the worst way to go I imagine...
Justin Zold says
No, some say they are souless, some, like me, believe all creatures have a soul.
I believe they earn the same paradise humans will in death.
Ritorin - says
as for that question i asked: I'm getting a bit desperate. That's why I asked at all.
They do deserve a place in some happy afterlife
I just wish the bible weren't so ambiguous on some subjects... but i guess that's maybe a good thing. the reason for the ambiguouity may lead to my "if we knew for sure, we wouldn't do anything" idea
I dunno. I'm getting desperate with my beliefs. perhaps the short lifespan of dogs(and other domestic pets) is to help us reveal our sympathy.
on a small scale, maybe, but to still remind us to care for things, to not be careless
I dunno. Something like that
the headache is gone, so now im comprehending this a little better at least. I still wish it weren't so sudden. But now I've learned to always care for my other dog. The least I could do
and im sorry if i keep rambling on
Justin Zold says
No no, I understand your pain, also, how old was s/he if I may ask?
Ritorin - says
I think... 12 years old as of yesterday
12 or 13
which is odd, considering he had this sort of cancerous lump where his a**s was... he lived with that for 2 or 3 years. we don't know how he contracted it, and the veterinarians couldn't really specify what it was.
I mean, if we paid a couple thousand dollars, they may have taken it out... but we didn't have that money
either way, he lived that long with that, which sort of led me to joking that it was a sort of beneficial lump that would make him live longer
oh god how i regret saying that. and it was only somewhere within last week that i said that
Justin Zold says
See, I hate that.
There is NO way that surgery of that kind would cost more than a few hundred dollars :/
Ritorin - says
well, I would assume that too.
But then again, the lump was pretty huge, pretty much covering his a**s. He could still poop fortunately, but only in diarrhea form I think...
That, and medical science for dogs, let alone animals, is limited compared to our knowledge on humans
I meant hey give us pills to administer to him, which cost $100 which was fair I guess. It didn't do much, but it stopped the bleeding of that lump when those pills were used
*they
the lack of bleeding made me feel a little better... but still, its not like my parents would pay for that weekly. I dunno if there was a reason behind that, maybe to save money. I guess I can understand
I dont know
I dont care
Ijust hope he's somewhere better now
somewhere eternally happy
I can only hope
I'm even contemplating praying for him. I'm getting too desperate, but at least it's not like ive' doubted the existance of good too much anytime recently I think
*god
Justin Zold says
Are you getting desperate? Or are you just looking at the world in a light you never bothered seeing it in before?
Ritorin - says
maybe both
i dunno
although i suppose its fine if my prayer is ignored. I'll understand why maybe.
but if jacob's right, then god is understanding
(my friend jacob)
I think at this point im reverting into a childlike stage. or just severely passive, if that makes sense.
Justin Zold says
Not childlike
you're just hollow right now, and need to find some way to fill your soul.
Ritorin - says
yeah I guess...
brb
Justin Zold says
Alright
Ritorin - says
back
Justin Zold says
What happened?
Ritorin - says
nothing
just checking on his body
I dont know why ,but i felt like i had to
I guess im taking this much better than I thought I would.
Or I'm just in a really soulless state right now
Either way, better than crying
oh thats right
pokemon black/white come out tomorro
w
There's this one dog looking pokemon that I was gonig to name after my now deceased dog
http://www.serebii.net/pokedex-bw/508.shtml
his middle evolution reminds me most about my doh
*dog
Justin Zold says
D'aw
Ritorin - says
yeah
Justin Zold says
how poke and the mon
Ritorin - says
I'm going to permanently use him on my team
Justin Zold says
On Gaia, I have two ferret items I never get rid of in honor of my ferret
Ritorin - says
I've been donig the same, only now i'll be more reinforced with that motiv
e
Justin Zold says
What do you mean 'more reinforced'?
Like, did you do it before and now doing it intensely
or what
Ritorin - says
I mean like... well I dont know. more strict on that rule i guess
Justin Zold says
Ah, now I get it.
I just didnt know how you meant it.
Ritorin - says
Yeah, its fine
now that i think about it
washing him up, getting him ready for being buried, essentially saturating his dead body with water... it will only speed up the molding process. I'd rather not have him look so dirty, especially since we were a bit careless to wash him recently, but i'd rather not have him rot from his insides
That... and if i do wash him, i may be too rough, and his limbs will fall off
Justin Zold says
Well, just take a dampened washcloth and gently run it on his body.
Or, have your mom do it if you think it'll be to hard for you emotionally.
Ritorin - says
she's just as emotionally stricken as me, if not more
And I don't want my brothers to do it... it just doesn't feel right having them do it and not me
Justin Zold says
Well, do what you feel is neccassary
Ritorin - says
yeah... i will
brb, my mom's here. I'm guessing this is when we bury him...
Justin Zold says
Alrighty
Ritorin - says
we finished burying him
out of respect, my mom also bought a new collar that we put on him before we dig him in his blanket. She also put a stuffed animal in there too. I even put a coca-cola bottle cap with his name etched on it too
Oh, and she also bought this little heart medal thing with wings that I attached to his collar
but it was extremely depressing
my other dog was shaking. I don't know if she knows he's dead, but she knew something was wrong. She kept shaking very bad. Her tail between her legs. She also keeps going back and forth, constantly sniffing the burial spot. She'll sniff at other locations and track him down from there, only to return back to the burial sight
*site
even my mom's pig knew something was wrong. She was hiding behind this little stone campfire thing, but I saw her hairs pointing up, which signals that she's most likely stressed. Kind of like what cats do
I feel like I'm regretting something...
As you can notice I was barely able to type even punctuate myself well.
I was also pretty desperate. And I still am. I'm getting teary as I'm typing this.
I feel terrible that I couldn't spend his last moments with him. He deserved so much more.
I don't feel motivated to do anything anymore. I've been literally refreshing the tloem main page, and I keep cycling back to facebook. I'm wasting time... and I feel guilty for that. But I would also feel guilty if I were to just play some video games right now.
I don't even think I can read a book right now, and I have a book assignment due monday.
I can't do anything right now.
I don't know what to do.
I don't even want to look at my other dog right now, despite me saying that I wanted to spend more time with her, in fear that she could die this moment.
