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For a while I've been satisfied. Not overly depressive like I was 2 years ago if anyone remembers. After I was banned from this guild for about a year, during that year I improved in real life. Majorly.
I made some a nice group of friends to hang out with, I became a bit more sociable, I got an awesome scholarship, (that, not only does it deal in the obvious rewards of money for college, but rewards us with other goodies like a free macbook laptop and field-trips with the other 90+ high school students who have the same scholarship) etc. I became happier overall.
I don't know if this seems like small accomplishments, but this meant a lot to me.

But nowadays, the manic depression is seeping back in.
Not only that, but my group of "friends" have been acting like jackasses lately. I feel stupid for acting as if we could have this last a long time.
Sure I've hung with this other guy I know instead of being with people that seem to hate me, but it's mainly because he's teaching me how to fight so I could beat up the head jackass "friend" out of revenge for just being an a*****e to me. (for anyone that cares to know, It's that kid who I told I was gay. I made a thread on it in this subforum some time ago)
Even worse is that I feel inadequate in every way possible. Like I did in my freshman year, I'm now comparing myself to everyone else. Grade-wise, I'm just awful and I'll never be as successful. Social-wise, I also feel pretty awful. Personality-wise, I'm not really assertive, and I can get pretty clingy to people, to the point where I act like some sort of "dog" to anyone that I like as a best friend.(or just like as in love) (by "dog" I mean being obedient, carrying out every wish of theirs without questioning it, and also taking any abuse they give to me. I don't do this on purpose, and it often happens before I realize it. Naturally I'm submissive and extremely manipulative)

However that's not that main issue.
In addition to what has been listed above, I've also felt extremely lonely.
No one has the same interests as me, not even slightly. I have even yet to get a boyfriend, and everyday this lonely feeling just gets a little worse. I often feel as if I'll never find someone of similar interest and such, and that I'll end up dying alone.
And while I know that I shouldn't worry about such things while still in highschool, I've never actually had one genuine friend to talk about stuff that goes on for hours, or to go out to places and do goofy things. Not only that, but I've never felt special or loved. (except my mom I guess but that's beside the point)
No one to make make me feel as if I matter to them, as if I wasn't a mistake and that I'm actually important. It's a feeling I seldom ever feel, if at all.

And it's a burden I've lived with for 16 years. And I'm sick of it. I really am.
But I don't know what I CAN do about this. I can't even remember why I bothered making this thread, either for help on this issue or to just rant about it in the appropriate place.
I just wish someday soon I could feel important.

I guess I have that scholarship, but still. :/
Other than seeing him for 30 minutes every school day, and the occasional 2-4 hours on saturdays, I still feel pretty dead inside. I practically have no drive whatsoever, save for wanting to beat up that jackass of a "friend" but even then that's just revenge and not progress.

But I am changing my attitude. Slowly, but surely. That's probably the only thing I have a positive outlook on.

As for loving myself, that could be quite difficult. I don't even know how to instill confidence within myself by being almost completely and utterly alone.
Like I said before, it's quite difficult to find someone who has similar interests as me in real life, so that only furthers how awful I feel at times.

I don't know. I just don't like feeling alone at all, it's practically what I fear the most. I've felt it far too much and desperately want to change it.

I apologize if I'm too negative, but I honestly can't see to it that I'll improve if I'm not left with too many visible options.

i could beat you up

I suppose I'm top tier, but then people remember that I have that special scholarship and think "oh he's super smart" but then they see that I'm probably just as average as everyone else and then they get disappointment, at which point my self esteem just gets a little worse.
And I dunno. I've been working on getting 90+, but it's just too difficult for me. And it gets even worse because then those jackasses of my friends make fun of me for it. :/ (except for one of them I guess, who, coincidentally, has the same scholarship as me)
It's kind of stupid though because none of them (except for the guy that has the same scholarship as me) have no ******** idea what it is they want to be when they grow up.
It's even more pathetic because the one guy I plan on beating up supposedly wants to be a game designer. Yeah okay. There will be so much creativity to stem from someone who watches King of the Hill and plays shitty korean mmo's. rolleyes

Mm... Maybe you guys are partly right. I shouldn't feel grief from a bunch of nerds.


And no. I rarely feel important to ANYONE.
In fact, no one calls me to remind me of things or such. I would remind THEM always.
It's even annoying because I remember one of them planned a birthday party thing without telling me, and didn't invite me. And I only found this out after eavesdropping on them. (but of course they had this coming, because they constantly kept acting suspicious towards me, which in turn made me feel paranoid. I actually felt as if they were talking about me behind my back)

@Panique: I find my groove too at times I guess, but then I realize that I'm just actually hiding from the fact that I'm very pathetic, and that no one would want to deal with me.
There really isn't a whole lot I could do about this. Either accept or deny how awful I am as a person.

As it is, it seems I'm rife with many complexes and psychological issues.
I even feel as if I shouldn't exist, and that I should be erased from everyone's memory permanently. :/

Xhaff?

Don't let it get to you. Chances are if your friends make fun of you for being smart it's cause they're jealous cause they don't know s**t about what they want to do. It's pretty sad cause there are kids like that at my school who aren't even planning to TRY for college, but they make fun of the kids who have a badass future lined up. <******** people's disappointment. Do you know how often I hear "Whoa wait what Lucy, you're GIFTED?" Like people can't believe I'm supposed to be smart or w.e >:O

How close are you to a 90? Cause sometimes getting a 90 is as easy as just pulling up one course mark :]


huh. How big is this group of friends? Cause I know my best friend often plans dinners and parties and excludes her boyfriend just cause there are too many people, or cause he's got beef with our other friends.

Just don't even sweat it.
There are those people who care tons about marks, but you don't have to.
Honestly, you're going to be the happiest if you just do what you want.

Everybody thought I was insane for ditching math completely, but now I have an internship with Disney, so it's pretty sweet.

In the end, school is dumb.
Everybody's way less bitchy when you're actually out there working.

I hate bring my own s**t into this mix...

I live thousands and thousands of miles away from my mother and my friends. I moved to peruse my education HERE because my aunt offered to assist.

My aunt works 2 full-time shifts. In the mean time, I have to stay with her son and his family. His wife absolutly hates me which in turn makes the kids stay away from me. My cousin is w/e everything.

I'm new here and absolutely don't know anyone. The few friends I have are from going out and socializing. But deep down, no one is close to me like the friends back home. I'm giving it time, but the whole waiting s**t sucks ******** balls.

So don't be whining about not having anyone. Go out there and look, babe.

It's gonna happen, it's all about being patient.