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Weary_Highelf Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:53 pm
I'll be posting chapters from my story "In From the Cold" on this thread. THIS IS NOT A ROLE PLAY!!! I want anyone to respond to the chapters, and please be specific. "It's good" and "I like it" don't help me improve guys sweatdrop
One thing you will notice is the character names are the same or similar to ones I've used in RPs. That is because most of them are names that I have used on OC's before and just borrowed them to make RPC's
Thanks and enjoy, the prologue will be up shortly. -VC Edge
PS. This is the chapter list and what page they are on Prologue - 1 Chapter 1 - 1 Chapter 2 - 1 Chapter 3 - 2
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 8:55 pm
In from the cold
Prologue It was late November in Toronto. Snow could be seen falling outside through the window of the young man’s cubical. He tapped on the keyboard of a computer; every so often he’d lean back and scratch at the dark brown hair on his head or rub his hazel eyes. The phone on his desk rang and with a sigh he answered it, “I.T.” he said in a dull, bored tone, “Seth Warner speaking.” “Seth it’s seven,” said the electronic voice of a more awake young man, “you’re still at work?” “Yeah sorry Dave,” Seth replied, leaning back in his chair, “Ron has got me here late tonight, I’m working Vic’s shift.” “What happened to Vic?” David asked “Remember when we were arguing on Wednesday?” Seth took a drink out of the mug full of hot green tea on his desk. “Yeah,” David replied, sounds of machine guns could be heard through the phone, “you were saying that you were doing the smart thing by getting the flu shot. So Vic didn’t get it and caught the bug?” “Yeah,” Seth went back to pounding the keys on his keyboard, “I’m making a mental note to rub it in when he gets back sometime in the next two weeks.” There was a pause, than David spoke again, “So when do you think you’ll be done?” “Give me about another hour,” Seth replied, “I’ll be done at eight.” “Okay, but get your a** home,” there was an explosion and David cursed, “the new maps came out today for TF2.” “Alright,” Seth said, “see you.” The phone made the usual plastic click when he hung up and he went back to typing.
Sixty minutes later Seth let out a long sigh and hit the save button and then shut off the computer. After cleaning up his workstation and finishing his tea, he pulled on his black leather jacket and his red-and-white hat with ‘Eh?’ printed in black letters on the front. He passed one cubical on his way to the door and someone greeted him, “Heading out?” came the voice of a woman “Yeah,” Seth replied, “See you Monday Becca.” “Seth, wait!” she said, turning around in her chair, “Please stay, just for a little while longer.” Becca was the youngest woman in I.T., at 21 she was four years younger than Seth. She was also the best looking woman in I.T.; her best features being her curvy slender body, sparkling green eyes, long black hair and friendly disposition. “Okay, fine,” Seth said with a sigh, “I take it you want another ride home too?” “Please?” She begged, her eyes glimmering. Seth pulled up a chair and sat down behind her, how could he say ‘No’ to her. Becca smiled and turned back around, tapping the keyboard on her own computer. “What are you doing anyways?” Seth asked “Oh, I’m just finishing a few things.” She replied. She turned around and faced him again, “By the way, how’s your dad?” “Still in the hospital,” he said with a sigh, “hopefully he’ll be out by next weekend.” “That’s good.” she turned to the computer again and typed for a little while longer, after a few minutes she shut of the computer and stood up. Seth stood too and she smiled, then she walked over to a hook on the wall of her cubical and pulled on her coat. “Ready to go I take it?” he said, and she nodded, “Okay, my truck’s out front.”
Becca held her hands up to the heaters in Seth’s pick-up to warm them, this was the third time this week he had given her a ride home. It was convenient because they lived in the same apartment complex. “So Becca,” he said, trying to make conversation, “Christmas is coming up.” Rebecca nodded, “Yup,” she smiled a bit, “I hope my parents can make it from Niagara Falls this year.” “Didn’t last year’s storm stop them?” he asked, and she nodded, “Bummer… you know Becca, if they can’t make it, you’re welcome to spend Christmas Eve with me.” “Oh,” she was a bit surprised by the offer but smiled, “I might just take you up on that offer.” The snow was starting to fall harder, and Seth turned on the wiper blades. They pulled up to a red light, and Seth turned to talk to her. He was surprised though that her face was right up close to his, and before he knew it, she had locked lips with him. She kissed him for a second longer, then pulled away, “Seth,” she began, speaking quietly, “I want you to know that I’ve felt this way for a while now, and I really felt now would be the best time to tell you… I’m just not sure if you feel the same way about me.” “Of course I do,” Seth said, “I just didn’t know how to tell you, for the longest time I thought you were out of my league.” “Of course not,” she said, latching onto his arm, “I-I love you Seth.” The light turned green and he drove the truck through the intersection and down the street, “I love you too Becca.” he finally said as they pulled up to the tall apartment building. Becca smiled warmly as the two of them got out of the truck and walked in through the complex door. Seth walked her to the door of her apartment where she kissed him goodbye before disappearing behind the door labelled ‘213’.
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Weary_Highelf Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:04 pm
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:31 pm
It's good Edge I can see how you've defiantly put your time into this, so yeah it's good so far :3
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luiemule7u3292932 Captain
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Relatively Crazy Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:35 pm
The prologue is very well done 3nodding . Though if your going to abbreviations like I.T. then i would suggest you tell what it means before using it more in the passage. Other whys everything seems great. I can barely give proffesional critisism here.
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 9:43 pm
Thanks alot guys, chapter 1 is on its way. I'm glad you guys think it's good, I worked hard on it.
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Weary_Highelf Vice Captain
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Weary_Highelf Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:11 pm
GOOD NEWS!
Chapter 1 is done, and I will be posting it tomorow. ^_^
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Posted: Sat Oct 23, 2010 10:26 pm
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Weary_Highelf Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:31 am
Chapter 1 Seth was sitting on his computer chair and had his eyes fixed on the screen of his lap-top. On the table to his left sat a bag of potato chips and a half empty bottle of Dr. Pepper. Suddenly his Skype account went off, David was trying to call him. He clicked the answer button and David’s voice came through his headset. “Dude it’s ten,” he said, “where the hell were you?” “I was…” Seth thought of a lie, “at MacDonald’s, cause I got hungry on the walk home.” “Really?” David’s voice carried an accusing tone, “I thought you said that you took your truck this morning.” “Okay fine, you got me,” David had been Seth’s best friend since before high school, and was very good at getting the truth out of Seth, “I was with Rebecca.” “Oh so you gave her the same treatment as Holly?” David laughed, Holly was Seth’s girlfriend in college and also the girl he had lost his virginity too “You know the truck is still warm,” Seth threatened, “I could drive over and beat your a**.” “Take it easy captain Karate,” David said in defence, “I was only joking.” “Well you could at least get my martial art right,” Seth opened up a window in Fire-fox to check his e-mails, “you know I take Krav-Maga, not Karate.” “What’s the difference?” “Krav-Maga originated from Israel, Karate or-” “That was a rhetorical question Seth.” David interrupted, “but honestly what did you two actually do?” “I walked her to her door and kissed her goodnight,” Seth deleted a bunch of junk-mail, most of them being porno sight adds, “nothing more.” “Well good for you I guess.” “Hey David, how’s Kat anyways?” Seth could hear movement on the other end of the conversation “Hey Seth!” came the voice of David’s girlfriend Kathy, “I hear you have your eyes, or should I say lips on a new girl.” “Hi Kat,” Seth replied, “I didn’t think you’d be there too.” “Oh Dave just got bored and called me up,” she said, “I made him play DDR with me.” “She kicked my a**!” David’s voice called, sounding far away, “The girl has a third leg or something.” Kat giggled “Seth you should come over tomorrow,” Kat said, “bring your girl, David and I were going to have a scary movie night “Maybe in the evening,” Seth shook his head, “I have some s**t to do tomorrow. I’m going to the gym and then to see dad. If I have time I’ll call.” “Okay,” Kat said, and then Seth heard more movement. “Kat and I are going out,” came David’s voice again, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” “Hopefully,” Seth added, “Later.” “Bye.” Seth clicked the red button to end the call.
The next morning Seth woke up when his cell-phone started vibrating, making a rattling noise against the wood on the bedside table. He picked it up and flipped it open, “Hello?” he said as he put it to his ear “Oh hey Seth,” came the sound of Becca’s voice, “did I wake you?” “Of course not,” he lied, checking the time. It was 9:06am, “what can I do for you?” “I wanted to know if you wanted to go to the YMCA with me,” she asked politely, “my usual work-out buddy skipped on me, she caught the flu.” “Sure I’d love to,” Seth said, excitement showing as he pulled on his jeans, “I was going there today anyways. What time?” “Ten-thirty,” she said cheerfully, “I’m going for a swim first, and then I’m working out in the gym.” “You want me to just come by your apartment?” he suggested, her apartment was a floor below his, “We can take the truck.” “Sure,” She replied, “come by in an hour.” “I’ll be there.” he said, Becca giggled, “Bye.” They hung up simultaneously
Seth was already in the pool in his Budweiser swim trunks. He had picked Becca up on time and drove her and himself to the local YMCA. He was quite anxious, he had spent the summer working on his abs and was pleased with his new washboard stomach. He only hoped that Becca would feel the same. He was treading water in the shallow end of the pool when she came out of the woman’s change room. Seth’s breath was taken away momentarily as she came in. Becca’s body was perfect: slim, curvy and not a gram of fat on her. She was wearing a plain blue bikini, although Seth really wished she wasn’t. “Seth?” she noticed him staring, and she giggled, “Looking at something?” “I-um…” Seth shook his head to cast away his fantasies, “you look… nice.” “Nice?” Becca blushed and ran her fingers over her stomach and hips. To him it looked like she was checking if she had magically gained a hundred pounds. “I mean, you look great Becca,” Seth said quickly, “beautiful even.” There was a splash as she jumped in beside him. “Thanks.” Becca was smiling and Seth knew why, he could feel her hand up against his stomach under the water, “You know, you’re not to bad yourself.” Becca waded away from him, “I’m going to do lengths, what about you?” “I’ll just tread water and watch,” Seth replied, “I’m not much of a swimmer anyways.” “Alright then,” Becca’s smile never left her face, “and I know that even though you’re not, you’d still save me if I was drowning.” She blew him a kiss and began to swim. Becca’s breast stroke had perfect form. Seth watched as she made quick work of each length. If he had been blind he could have mistaken her for a fish or a dolphin.
Later, Seth and Becca were in the weight room. Becca was laying down on the bench-press, a horizontal padded bench with a metal frame around it. She held a metal pole in her hands and at each end of the pole there were a few weights. Seth stood behind her with his finger tips resting on the bar. As her spotter it was his job to make sure that if she was struggling, he would help her. “Nine… Ten… Eleven…” Becca counted each rep as she pushed the bar up above her chest. “C’mon Becca,” Seth encouraged her, “you can make fifteen.” “Twelve…Th-thirteen…” Becca was beginning to struggle, “F-f-fourteen….” Seth put his hands palm-up under the bar, ready in case she slipped or her arms hurt to much. “C’mon Becca! One more! One More!” He said “S-Seth I can‘t!” Becca grunted, her arms starting to shake. She was a very strong swimmer, but being a very thin girl she could only do so much. “Just one more Becca!” “I-I…” Becca did her best, but she just didn’t have the strength to push it up by herself. Seth took a firm hold of the bar and pulled it up and into the rack on the frame for her. “Good job Becca!” He told her with a warm smile so she wouldn’t get discouraged. She smiled at him. “Thank you Seth,” she panted, “uh, my arms feel like jelly!” “I’m surprised you could lift that much!” Seth sat next to her on the bench and handed her a bottle of water. “Thank you.” She took the water and chugged it gratefully “So how does a girl like you end up working in information technology?” Seth asked, “Not cause you’re so pretty, but because of the way you swim.” “What do you mean?” Becca tilted her head to her right slightly and begged for an answer with her curious and innocent eyes. “You should be in the Olympics!” Seth put his hand on her shoulder, “The way you swim is amazing!” “Thank you.” She said with a smile, “But I like swimming too much to make it a job.” “How unfortunate.” Seth stood up, “I had images of headlines reading ‘Rebecca brings home gold for Canada’ running though my head.” She giggled “Well what about you?” Seth waited for her to elaborate, “You just going to work in I.T. the rest of your life?” “Actually, I want to be a musician.” Seth said, “I play the piano. I just wish I could sing better.” There was a pause, “I can sing.” “Really?” Becca nodded, “Show me.” “R-right now?” Becca looked around, they were alone in the weight room, but Seth couldn’t blame her for not wanting to. “Please Becca?” She looked hesitant, but after a minute she broke out into Amazing Grace. The song seemed to resonate through the room, but also though Seth. It was the most beautiful sound he had heard in his life, Becca sang as if she were an angel. When she finished, her face was a bright red, “Becca, that was beautiful…” Seth was at a loss for words, “You really think so?” She looked away, trying not to make eye-contact. But she involuntarily met his gaze. “I know so,” Seth knelt so that their eyes were at the same level, “I’ve never heard a better singer in all my life.” “You’re exaggerating.” She couldn’t pry her eyes away from his. Something about his warm hazel and her shining blue seem to draw them together. “No I’m not,” this time it was him to pull her in close to him and kiss her, “You have the most beautiful voice.” “Thank you…” They never went back to working out, instead they sat in the empty weight room with their arms around each other.
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:24 am
yeah it still look's really good there Edge and it's pretty funny and I love the detail. Can't wait to read more 3nodding
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luiemule7u3292932 Captain
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Relatively Crazy Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 9:25 am
Nice Edge, again I can't pick up on anything that would need editing. Though if you would describe the area would help create a picture for the gym. Other whys everything is well described and drawn out.
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:19 pm
Chapter 2 It was a round noon when they left the YMCA. As he drove, he would turn every so often to look at her. He and Becca had both taken showers, but the shampoo she had used was much more fragrant then his. The smell of strawberries filled the cabin of the truck and made Seth sleepy, he had to fight to stay awake. Becca had pulled her hair back into a ponytail and was wearing her blue coat that hugged her body perfectly. Even in the cold winter weather of Toronto, Becca still managed to show that she had an hourglass figure. “So Becca,” Seth began as they pulled up to a red light, “I was going to visit Dad in the hospital and then go to David’s house tonight. I was-” “Wondering if your could bring your new girlfriend with you?” Becca finished his sentence, and he felt warm that she considered herself his girlfriend “Yes actually,” the light changed and Seth pulled through, “well do you?” “Of course,” Becca was smiling widely again, “I have nothing to do today anyways. I’d love to spend the day with you!” “That’s great!” Seth exclaimed, “You want to go for brunch after we visit dad?” “How could I say ‘no’?” Becca took hold of Seth’s arm and whispered to him, “I love you.” “I love you too.” Seth replied as he pulled up to the hospital parking lot. He paid for a parking pass and found a spot in the parking garage, luckily on the second floor. He backed his truck in, put it in park and got out. He locked the doors as he stepped out, and walked around to meet Becca at the front of the vehicle. Becca’s hair was still wet and she had her hands deep in her pockets. Seth put his arm around her shoulders and she gratefully huddled up to him. The hospital was pretty generic. Off-white walls, off-white floor tiles, off-white ceiling, brown chairs in the waiting room. Like all hospitals, this hospital had the same sense of dullness and dread. There was a young man sitting behind the desk in scrubs. He had steel-rimmed glasses and tapped at the keyboard of the computer behind the desk, Seth approached the front desk, “Hi I’m here to see Rick Warner.” He said “Seth? Seth Warner?” the secretary said, Seth gave him a confused look. “It’s Blake, Blake Stevens. We went to high school together.” Blake extended his hand and with a smile Seth took it. He now remembered him completely. Blake and him had been in the same fitness class for three years straight and had become buddies through the runs they had to do. Blake had asthma and Seth didn’t like how the other guys in the class would tease him because he was the slowest runner and the lightest weight lifter. So every run, Seth would hang back and jog with Blake. “Man sorry Blake,” Seth felt dumb for not remembering him, “I see you did go though medical school.” Blake nodded, “Hey, it worked out fine for me.” Blake was smiling “You look good dude, how’s the asthma been?” “Great actually!” Blake went back to the computer, “I have this new inhaler that works way better then anything I’ve ever used. I use it once in the morning and once at night and that’s it, no more coughing or wheezing.” “Well that’s awesome.” Seth stepped aside so that Blake could clearly see Becca, who had been hiding behind him mostly and staring at the snack machine, “Blake this is Rebecca,” Becca smiled and wiggled her fingers in a shy wave, “if it’s not clear to you by the way she’s hanging off my arm that she‘s my girlfriend, I can‘t help you.” “You’ve always been a real comedian Seth,” Blake chuckled, “So you said you were hear visiting your dad Rick right? How’s he?” “Oh I‘m sure he‘s fine,” Seth said, “The goof-ball probably had one to many beers again or probably came down with a stomach virus. I’m sure he’ll be out by next weekend.” “I hope so,” Blake tapped the keys, “He’s on the third floor, room twenty-three.” “Thanks Blake,” Seth said, “nice seeing you again.” “Likewise,” Blake replied, “call me up sometime, we’ll catch up.” “Alright.” Seth jotted down his number on a slip of paper and handed it to Blake, then he and Becca went down the long hallway to the elevator.
Room twenty three was like any other hospital room. Everything was off-white in colour except the bed sheets which were always bleached white. Rick Warner occupied one of the two beds in the room, leaving the other empty. He was hooked up to an I.V. and smiled warmly when his son came into the room. “Seth!” he said in his scruffy fifty-year-old voice. Seth embraced his father, “Hey dad,” Seth said, “how’re you doing?” “Without,” he replied, “say Seth, who’s the pretty little thing behind you?” Seth turned and extended his arm, beaconing for Becca to come over. She slowly walked over to him and let herself get wrapped up in his arm. “This is Becca dad,” Seth said quietly, looking only at her, “she’s… very important to me.” “You finally got a sweet heart who mean something to you?” Rick guessed with a smile, “I’m proud of you son, she looks like a keeper to me.” “T-thank you.” Becca said quietly. Now that she was closer, she could see that Rick was almost perfectly replicated in his second-born son Seth. The difference was that Rick’s age showed in his face, and he would never look as clean-cut as his son again. “So son,” Rick said as he turned his attention back to Seth, “when are they going to let me out of here?” “They said they want to make sure it’s nothing serious first dad,” Seth said, “just to make sure.” “Alright, alright.” Rick lifted his hand and pointed to a table that was across from the end of the bed. On it sat a small television and a remote control, “can you grab the remote there for me Seth? There’s a hockey game on today and I don’t want to miss the make-me-laughs get creamed by the Canadians.” Seth smiled and fetched the remote for his father. He and his father had always been fans of the Montreal Canadians and really disliked the Maple Leaves, despite living in Toronto. He turned the television on and put on TSN. There was a highlight of the previous golf season showing Mike Weir teeing off. Seth bid farewell to his dad and took Becca’s hand, together they walked out of the hospital, although for some reason Seth suddenly felt like he had eaten a ball of lead.
Seth and Becca had chosen a nice coffee shop and diner for breakfast. The place was well heated and had comfy seats in the booths. Seth and Becca were talking together just after they had placed their orders. Seth had ordered bacon and eggs with toast and hash-browns while she had requested a plate of blueberry pancakes. Their beverages had arrived already, Becca slowly sipped her steaming hot chocolate while Seth enjoyed a mixed berry Smoothie. “What’s wrong Seth?” she asked him, “You seem like a coffee guy to me.” “Nah,” Seth took a drink, “I never liked coffee, even with milk and sugar I can’t get past the taste.” “Well I can understand that,” she took the spoon that was set in her hot chocolate and the small pitcher of milk on the table stirred in a small amount of the cream into her beverage, “I don’t like coffee either. Just give me sweet creamy hot chocolate any day.” “So you’re a sugar girl?” Seth gave her a smile, and she nodded. “Anything sweet. Cakes, brownies, candies, cup-cakes, I can’t get enough.” “That’s surprising,” Seth lowered his voice so only she could hear him, “considering how amazing your body is.” “Thank you.” Becca blushed, but smiled and took the compliment, “I can see you have quite the stomach as well. You are guilty of giving yourself too little credit when it comes to your body too.” Seth smiled at her, and she smiled back. They met each other’s eyes and didn’t look away. They seemed to be communicating, telling each other “I love you.” and “I care about you.” without saying it. This went on for a full five minutes before the waitress spoiled the moment. “Blueberry Pancakes and Saturday special?” The waitress asked, Seth guessed her to be about in her late twenties. She was a good looking woman, and it was clear to him that it was that along with her way-too-friendly attitude that she got so many tips. “Pancakes for her,” Seth said, “and the special is for me.” The waitress sat down the plates and gave the usual “enjoy the meal” blurb before returning to her duties. Seth and Becca ate their brunch while sending each other looks and smiles. “So Seth,” Becca finally said to break the silence, “you said you play piano, how long have you been doing it?” “Since I was about six or seven,” Seth replied, “I started doing it cause mom wanted me to show her that I can show dedication to something before she would let me take self-defence lessons. The thing is I got so good by age twelve and loved it so much, I forgot why I started in the first place.” “I’ve never heard you talk about your mom Seth,” Becca said after swallowing a mouthful of pancake, “where is she?” “She was killed by a drunk driver when I was fifteen.” Seth said sadly, trying not to lose his apatite, “Some d**k-head high school senior who thought it would be a good idea to get hammered, smoke some weed and speed down a residential street at 100 kilometres an hour. He hit her driver-side and she passed in the hospital three days later.” “I’m so sorry Seth,” she felt bad for bringing it up, “I didn’t mean to-” “It’s alright Becca,” he set down his fork, reached out and took her hand, “thanks for your concern.” “You’re welcome Seth,” she said with a slight smile, to which Seth smiled back, “I’d do anything for you.”
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Weary_Highelf Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:47 pm
dude its really good so far keep it up
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 1:54 pm
Really well ^^ Keep going.
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Relatively Crazy Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Oct 24, 2010 2:26 pm
It has some little spelling errors here and there. I'm not too concerned becuase I know you'll look them over and correct them. Besides that it is a really good story.
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