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1. Chuck Norris� tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother�s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK�s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

6. Chuck Norris�s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend�s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don�t f$#k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn�t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

8. To prove it isn�t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus� obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks.

12. When Chuck Norris�s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don�t worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and $#!+ on their floor, just because he�s Chuck Norris.

18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you�re thinking to yourself, "That�s impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O�Brien�s lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan�s wife.

21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

22. Chuck Norris doesn�t have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the $#!+ out of viruses. That�s why Chuck Norris never gets ill.

23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the $#!+ out of little kids.

24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the v****a when she didn�t give him exact change.

27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can�t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I�ll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.

31. Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

32. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

33. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris

34. Chuck Norris won �Jumanji� without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living daylights out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

35. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

36. Chuck Norris doesn�t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

37. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

38. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

39. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

40. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

41. The quickest way to a man�s heart is with Chuck Norris�s fist.

42. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

43. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

44. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

45. Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

46. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris� shoe. Chuck replied, "Don�t you know who I am? I�m Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

47. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

48. Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

49. Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

50. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren�t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

51. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there

52. If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the ******** down.

53. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

54. As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

55. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That�s no glitch."

56. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own

that was just what I needed to truly start my saturday
if only I could print them off and sit on the buss giggling at them hysterically and having people give me funny(er) looks.

CHUCK NORRIS FOR PRIME MINISTER!
He could roundhouse kick the debt to mars!

I wanna see him roundhouse G W B xd would be the best way to handle softwood lumber.

Imagine if chuck norris breakdanced.

His cowboy hat would never fall off, because hes part of his head.

Has anyone heard any good Chuck Norris jokes lately? question

Chuck Norris jokes were the funniest thing on earth for me. For about two weeks. Then they got so overused that I started cringing whenever I heard his name. You cant read a single article on Uncyclopedia without CHUCK NORRIS CHUCK NORRIS CHUCK NORRIS

... GlassBox makes me think of a v****a that shatters really easily. sweatdrop