Welcome to Gaia! ::

I can't be in public....its just, too much. For me at least. Maybe I am pathetic? Yeah, I am. You see, I recently lost a friend (not over death, she ended our friendship for reasons unknown to me still) its been around 1 year since I saw her, heard her and talked to her. I wish, just wish I could see my friend. She has a Gaia but no longer goes on it anymore. I am constantly checking her sisters FB and YouTube and etc. just to make sure my friend is okay. I can't talk to her, she won't let me. My friend, who will be called anonymous, has literally driven me insane. I cry so intensely because she was my first and only friend I ever had. We were like one person, we had the same views, the same smarts, the same everything. No, its not like we were liking the same thing, no. She liked other music, pop and piano, while I liked metal and rock, world and I love all music actually. We did have different taste in music, movies and boys and whatnots. She was like my opposite side, but still me. I can't explain it, you need to have been me to feel it. But I mean like, we knew each other. Like a sister, but more. Its weird and I can't explain it. I know I sound like a crazy stalker, but I had no friends until she came along. I had no support (my sister passed away in '06) and she is what kept me standing straight during those hard times. I have this severe worry that everyone around me will die soon. Like if my mom or grandmother doesn't call me or something I immediately think they are dead or something. I can't stand this. Before she "broke up" with me I just went downhill and berserk. I need help to cope with this. I really need to talk to her. I send a message to a girl I knew in class before I switched schools (I had to switch schools because when my friend stopped talking to me, I had no friends after that and was getting picked on saying I was a weird retarded crazy gothic kid, because I dress in black.)
I just, feel like dying. She felt suicidal at times too, I jokingly said "lets runaway and kill ourselves" and she knew I was kidding. I have a weird humor I guess. But to the point, I have no idea what to do. I feel so pathetic, worthless and crazy. I feel like I am a stalker or something. I really need her back. I hope she is okay, I just hope she talks to me. For the past week I have been thinking of her very intensely, it scares me.


I know, I am still young and people think "Oh,well you are a kid still, friends come and go." This was more than a friend, we weren't lesbians or anything, not at all. People thought that though. But, is there anything more than a best friend? It was more like that book with the "Strange Case of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde" We were like the same person, but with opposite personalities. And we connected.