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 Posted: Sat Aug 14, 2010 10:23 am
Yeah. K+. Just bored. neutral Have some third person POV.
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He watched as the small feline staked it’s prey – a small bird. Quietly, it padded up behind it, body barely above the ground. The small bird had no idea what was coming.
It was going to die, and it had no idea. That’s what made it so fascinating.
The wild eameli pounced, it’s front legs pinning down the small bird. The bird flapped it’s wings, desperately trying to free itself from the eameli’s grip. It was useless, unfortunately for the bird. The cat dispatched it’s dinner with a bite to the neck, and then carried the bird’s lifeless body off to enjoy it’s dinner.
He grinned. It was a special treat to be able to catch an eameli hunting – and hunting during the day even moreso. He closed his red eyes and pulled back his black hair so that it was out of his face using a strip of black ribbon.
He turned around and began to leave, the cries of many birds flooding the air throughout the forest around him. He stared up at a crow, and narrowed his eyes.
“Shut up and die.”
With those words, the bird fell silent, then dropped from the tree. He kicked it’s now lifeless body aside and continued down the path.
Nobody can stop me... The day it disappears is the day I die.
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Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 5:02 am
I like the cat and the bird part. I just think you use the small bird too much. Try using just bird or a pronoun. You also use two "its dinner" phrases in the same sentence. You can just get rid of the last one and it would be fine.
Very strange yet intriguing with the man. It brought to mind a question, The day what disappears is the day I die?
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EstoPerpetua Vice Captain
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Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 8:21 am
It was originally the prolouge for a story, but it didn't contribute anything to the story so I orphaned it. xD I don't really liek the way i wrote this either, so...
The man = Cyrii, who is psychic.
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Posted: Sat Aug 21, 2010 6:42 pm
Oooh... Thanks for the clarifier, it wasn't bad, it just needs some editing like everything else in the world.
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EstoPerpetua Vice Captain
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