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When you see a world -- Poem

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Miyaz

 
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 3:49 am


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 11, 2006 1:53 pm


The only thing I can think to say is that the last line seems a bit too long compared with what preceeded it. Other than that: perfect.  

and_solo_said
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Miyaz

 
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 12, 2006 7:56 pm


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:53 pm


It's very well written. I enjoyed it.

sweetnight

 
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and_solo_said
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 2:53 am


How about 'We'd close our eyes forever'?  
PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 7:03 pm


sweetnight
It's very well written. I enjoyed it.

Thank you very much.

Miyaz

 
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Miyaz

 
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 14, 2006 7:05 pm


and_solo_said
How about 'We'd close our eyes forever'?

Mmm... this poem is more directed at others... from my point of view...
I don't think the 'we' would fit very well as there havn't been any other suggestions (directly) of myself.
I don't think it would really matter if the last line were to be longer...
Now it's as long as the 10th last line blaugh
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