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 Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 12:45 pm
So my friends have described this process as your mind throwing up on the page, basically these lines kept popping in my head so I built this "thing" around it and it looked somewhat like a poem so I put it here.
I went to find an encounter as I do near every night.
And it took me to the local pub thats open every night.
And as I sat, and watched, and drank, like all the other nights.
A man came up to me whose hair was black and long as night.
We sat and talked and told each other of nothing but the night.
He took me by the hand and led me to his car just as had been other nights.
He told me hed done this many times on many other nights.
And I said the same, though I'd never said that til this very night.
And we knew each other as kids do on curious, adventurous, nights.
Till the time we both knew it was to carry on with this hot and heavy night.
He turned on his car and took me down through the silent night.
He took me to his house which sat, quietly embedded in the night.
We said nothing and knew nothing except of what would go on this night.
We knew each other as lovers would when they arrive to their wedding night.
And when it was said and done, i didnt know him any better then I did those old mysteries of the night.
In fact he did a curious thing and struck a match, which was so bright in the night.
He went to a candle, lit it, and blew it out again, leaving nothing but the night.
And when he came to the bed and lay down he said nothing of the happenings that night.
And to avoid the quiet lonelieness (that I couldnt tell if it were in me or in the night).
I asked him why hed done such a thing so late in the night.
I knew he turned to me and then turned back, though I couldnt see him in the black dark night.
He said to me quite frankly it was his birthday.
Just this very night.
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Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 1:12 pm
Hmm, since no one else is going to be active, I'll give it a go. =3
Grammar wise, it was good-ish. Capitalize 'I'. Some lines should have ended with different punctuation, rather than a period, most notably at the second to last lines, both stanzas. A period denotes a complete stop, so using it makes some of these fragments and messes with the flow. Use commas instead for these lines. 'Till' should be 'Til', as a shortened form of 'until'.
I like the repetition, especially the ending. Some of the imagery is rather cliche, other times nice, but it didn't really stand out to me. All in all, I'm rather indifferent to it.
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Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 7:06 pm
I think i overused the period because i wanted it to be choppy but i cant really remember what i was thinking when i wrote it.
I guess google chrome crippled me cause it always capitalizes the I's for me stressed . Thanks for pointing out Til to, didnt notice that one 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 7:11 pm
=3 You're better off going to someone else for this; I'm terrible at poetry.
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Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 7:18 pm
No, thanks, you helped. I should think about what to do on the cliche parts, but I think I fixed the I's and the til
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Posted: Sat Jul 10, 2010 7:30 pm
It just takes some time and thought to fix. =3 Practice.
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Posted: Sun Jul 11, 2010 6:51 pm
Hey. Just saw this.
Well, honestly I can kind of tell that this was written pretty quickly. It's a good start, but very choppy in places and the flow just isn't really there.
You've got good images in there. Build off of those and clean it up a little, and you'll be set!
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