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 Posted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 4:27 pm
June 16th, 2010 Welcome to the pages of my diary.
Here is where you will face all my darkest secrets and meet my best friends.
Also, you will glare into the eyes of those who have hurt me or inspired me.
Prepare to dive deep into my life and possibly feel my emotions.
I will be posting as often as I can and I refuse to use any last names.
Welcome.
People Information Corey- The only guy i cannot seem to get over Connor- The guy that is always there when i need him Caleb(Not yet introduced)- Connor's best friend and a very good friend of mine Amber- My best friend Scotty(Not yet introduced)- My brother Britney(not yet introduced)- My sister Zach- One of my best guy friends Norman- My ex-boyfriend Colby- The new guy Payton- The guy I work with
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Posted: Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:37 pm
June 16th, 2010
Have you ever wondered about what things would be like if you had chosen a different path than you had just chosen? It's funny how most of the time we dont rethink what we have done unless it ends up bad on our end. That's when we think to ourselves, "I knew I shouldn't have done that...". However, when we make a good choice, nothing hardly ever crosses our minds because we are satisfied and content. Things went the right way and therefore you have nothing to question.
Have you ever got so comfortable with someone that you let out a deep secret or gave them something that you cherished? Then after you thought you could trust them with anything, they went and destroyed every bit trust and love you had for them.
Have you ever had this happen to you more than once? Have you ever had this happen to you about 10 times? Have you ever had this happen to yo 10 times with the same guy? I know what you're thinking. "Who would deal with that? Who would keep going back and forth with him like that?"
Welcome to my life.
For about three years now, my whole world has revolved around Corey. He would sweep me off my feet for a whole week and then dump me like I was last week's uneaten tuna sandwich. (What a horrible Simile...) He would completely just drop off the face of the earth for a few months and then there he was again. There to sweep me off my feet once again. And, no matter how stubborn and mad I was at him because of all the situations before, he did not give up. Sweet comments, flirty looks, cute smiles, and the kisses. They were to die for. He was the best guy I've ever kissed. I even felt like my kisses were unworthy enough for his lips. But of course I kissed him back every time.
Then, just when I had finally let my guards down. When i finally decided that I could trust him this time. He did it. He dumped me. He waited until I fell deep into his arms before he let me realize that I was not in his arms anymore. That he was not holding me from falling anymore. He would step back and just watched as I tumbled to the ground. Falling... Falling... Falling... Yet he was not there anymore.
Then when I had finally recovered from my fall, there he was again. And there I was. Stubborn; mad; refusing to let him mislead me again. And yet he did not give up. And then the whole process would start over again. I remember the last time this happened because it was about a month or two ago. I remember how it happened too:
I was sitting on the bus that afternoon. It was hot, of course, and I had let Connor see my phone because he seemed to have some sort of obsession with listening to my ringtones, even though they were always the same. Each time he asked to listen to them, I would only ever have about one or two new ones. Yet he would go through all of them again and again until it was time for me to get off the bus. And each time I would get a text message, he would announce the name outloud in his most annoying voice and then press "View Later". It was almost as if he was trying to make me want my phone back so that he would have the opportunity not to give it back. Even though Connor was annoying, I couldn't help but to have developed a slight crush on him.
"Amber" Connor announced loudly. Amber was my very best friend. She was actually sitting a few seats up from me on the bus. She had probably texted me to tell me something important that she couldn't say outloud. I knew she could wait.
I sat quietly, looking out the window. Usually, I was the loudest person on the whole bus. Not today. And this drove Connor insane. He continuously hit the seat and would attempt to prop his foot on my leg before I would knock it off. He would make random comments on my songs like "That was gay." or "I didn't know you had this song." or "This is old." Even though these comments and jesters were annoying to the other people on the bus, I liked them. I knew he was flirting with me.
"Oh my god, Heather. How many people are gonna text you?! ... Corey." My heart stopped. It had been six months since our last incident. A lot of things happened at once. Amber, who knew every detail about mine and Corey's relationship, popped her head over the seat. Me? I did what any normal person would do..
I dove for the phone. I knew these things:
1. I wanted to be the first to read anything that he had to say to me.
2. If Amber got a hold of the phone, she would cuss Corey out.
3. I would need to be convincing if I wanted that phone back from Connor.
"Give me the phone." Amber's voice was in the background. I didn't reply. I was diving for the phone that was wrapped in Connor's hands. Turns out, Connor was very pleased to turn and see me diving at him. I didn't care. So when he jerked the phone away from my reached, I became frusterated immediatly.
"Gimme the phone." I told him firmly. This was no time for convincing.
"Lemme just listen to this last one right here." He said, bringing the phone back into view.
"No." I said, swiping the phoe out of his hands. I was very pleased with my swift reflexes. I had never been able to do that before.
I ignored Connor's complaints and texted back to the message that read: "Hey. I'm coming to your house. I've got a friend for you to meet."
And that was it. That was the start of it all. This time, however, I held out longer. I kept my wall up for about 3 weeks. The longest I'd ever lasted. This kept him on his toes for about a month. After three weeks, my wall began to break down without me noticing it. I became easier with him and went where ever he wanted me to go instead of saying "Oh sorry. I'm busy today. Maybe another time." We began doing what he wanted to do without any objections from me.
Our relationship just came to a complete hault about 3 days ago. Welcome back to reality. Turns out he is now talking to another girl. Boy was I pissed. But I kept my mouth shut about it. However, my girl Amber handled it. That was an understatement. Amber had dissaproved from the very beginning. I didn't listen to her, of course. So when he dropped me again, she went off. I've never heard her cuss to much in my life. But it was well deserved by him.
And that was the content of my day. Finding out that the guy I love just let me fall again and that he already has someone else in mind. And then listening to my best friend have my back once again. I can always count on her.
But what really surprised me was that, despite the fact that this was the worse he could have ever hurt me, I haven't cried. Not once. It's almost as if it didn't phase me at all. Almost as if i expected it. Actually, I did expect it. I remember countless times that I told my friends, "It's gonna happen. I know it will. But I don't care. I'm happy." I only have one thing to say now. It's the truth. It's not something that I hope will happen. I know it will happen. It's the only thing that I have learned through all of this constant battling with him.
He'll be back.
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Posted: Thu Jun 17, 2010 8:08 pm
June 17th, 2010
Have you ever let yourself slip into insanity without realizing it? You think about one thing all the time and you don't even care. Infact, you don't even realize that you are doing it. In your head, you act out everything that could possibly happen in a certain situation. But have you ever given a certain character different traits than what they really have?
This was my day today. The whole day I thought about how Corey would react to seeing me again after my bestie, Amber, had chewed him out the previous day. I became lost deep in thought through out the day while I was at work. I thought about every possible thing that he could say to me and how I would reply back.
"I can't believe you let one of your friends cuss me out like that! What were you thinking? You should have stopped her!" He would say.
"I didn't even know she did anything. Don't be mad at me!" I would protest.
However, on my way home from work this afternoon, I realized that the scene I had studied so hard over was unrealistic. I had came to my senses for some odd reason and realized that I was giving Corey the personality traits of my ex-boyfriend, Norman. How stupid was I?
Norman and I had dated for two years and we had been apart now for about eight months. But we have only really been apart for about four months. After we broke up, we continued to talk to one another and do things as if we were a couple. But after some drama took place with his new girlfriend and I, I decided it was time to move on. In the end, his girlfriend broke up with him and me and her became good friend. And, somehow, in the mix of it all, her and I both ended up hating him.
Anyway, even though I was over Norman, I couldn't help but let myself slip sometimes. There had been a number of times where I would refer to Connor as "Norman". Or one time when Zach and said something that reminded me of Norman, I replied to him with the following, "Oh, don't worry about it, babe." How embarrassing. Zach and I were so close that I half considered him my brother. Of course he has laughed at this statement and still has not let me live it down yet.
But today was one of those slip ups. It had been weeks since I have even thought of Norman. Yet for some odd reason, I ossociated Corey with him. Maybe because I was hurt and when i thought of pain and suffering, I immediatly thought of Norman. So maybe that was why I gave Corey the traits of my ex-boyfriend.
I had been so worried about how I was gonna react to how he presented himself the next time I saw him. I worried over every little thing. When, in reality, i had nothing to worry about. In fact, I became very peased and giddy when I realized that I had been worrying over nothing. Because Corey was not like Norman at all! Corey would play it cool and react calmly to the situation when he would confront me about it. The complete opposite of Norman.
"You know that one of your friends like cussed me out over you, right?" He would say with a light chuckle. (Or something along the lines of that.)
"No! You're lying. Are you serious?" I would say.
"Yupp." He would say with a nodd.
"Do you know who it was?" I would ask.
"Nope." He would say.
And that would be the end of it. Perfect! He was so predictable, unlike Norman. And that was another reason that I loved Corey so much. The rest of my day was more relaxed then. I knew I had nothing in this entire world to worry about...
At least until Corey decided to come back again anyways...
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Posted: Sat Jun 19, 2010 9:50 pm
June 19th, 2010
So today I was inspired. I looked into the mirror today and decided that I wanted to loose weight. Especially in my thighs... Now, being a girl, you could have expected that I want to change something about myself. That's a typical girl for you. But I became very eager to loose that weight because I would look better for Corey. And then, hopefully, he would want me back and I could refuse happily and with confidence.
However, I knew that wasn't how it would go. I would fall into his arms once again. But however it would end, I did not care. I knew that if I lost a bit more weight, I would feel better about myself and that was my main goal.
Plus, I would be able to look better in that cute bathing suit that I have fallin in love with at walmart. That right. Out of all the bathing suits to look at, the one at walmart is the one I fell in love with. It's blue and white. It's beautiful. I'm going to a church camp this summer in July and I was hoping to get looking good and confident in that bathing suit before I went. Yet another reason to loose weight.
You see, I had been single since last September. A while, I know. I haven't really been looking for a guy and now that Corey is out of the picture again for a few months, I figure it was time for me to slim up. And, who knows? Maybe i could catch the eye of another guy that I could develope a crush on? That would definatly help keep Corey out of the picture. I like him so much but I know that he is doing me more harm than good. And inn the end I'm hoping that everything will come together.
Church camp? It was on July 19th. A month away. I have exactly a month to loose, hopefully, an inch off my legs. This may seem a bit much but I dont care. I aim big so that when I come up a little short, I'm still happy. Seems fair right? Of course. So here's to my new goal!
Day one of thirty.
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Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 8:50 pm
June 20th, 2010
Have you ever had a best friend? Like a real best friend? Like one of those best friends who will cancel all of thier plans just to be with you? One of those best friends who would sneak out of thier house and come to your house in the middle of the night just to hug you and be with you because someone had hurt you?
Most girls say "Oh, yeah. I have a best friend. It's that girl right over there. I tell her everything." Then, a month later, their best friend would be someone different. Most girls who have a "best friend", dont really have one. They usually just have a really close friend. One that they can trust. One that they talk to a lot. And that's about the extent of it. Thier best friend would never risk everything to sneak out and see you. And once their best friend had a date with her boyfriend, she wouldn't cancel it just because her friend was in need of a shoulder to cry on.
This was me. I had a whole lot of "best friends" and, in reality, they were just people I could talk to and not have to worry about them blabbing my secrets to the whole school. But, just today, I realized that I did have a real best friend. Amber. I had always thought of her as my best friend but I knew that she was just one of those people I could talk to and what not.
This did not make me love her any less than I did. But today, I love her more. Today, the blind fold I had been wearing was removed and I saw her as my true best friend. And then, a weird feeling washed over my body. It was a slightly humorous yet oddly weird.
I felt like I was in a sitcom. I felt like one of those girls who had a "normal" life. She wasn't single, yet not taken eiteher. She had a best friend that was always at her side. She had a job, annoying siblings, over protective parents... It was all there. My life had suddenly came together like an old sitcom that would come on TV. And, after reviewing this, I felt oddly happy and pleased.
Isn't that what every girl wanted? To live peacefully in a sitcom-like world? With nothing to worry about but how you were going to spend your next day? Of course. And that's what I had. And it only took the care and love from one good friend to put the puzzle pieces into place.
Now, I'm sure that this is going through your mind: "What did her best friend do that was so wonderful?"
Well, if you have been reading my posts, you should know about Corey. Well, just yesterday I found out that he has a new girlfriend. You can imagine how estatic I was for him. stare ... Anyway, today, he diecides to show up at the Vacation Bible School at my church. Now, all situations aside, he did have my bathing suit still in his truck from the last time we had gone swimming together. So it was likely that he was bringing me that. And, he did. He planned to stay and hang out as well...
That was not going to happen. I was already nervous enough with him being there and now he planned to stay and hangout? What? Was he trying to kill me?! And, of course, Amber could read my mind. She continuously stared him down and, to my relief, he was gone within ten minutes of him arriving. Mean? Yes. Helpful? Yes.
With Corey there, I would have never had fun. I would have been to worried about trying to look good for him. But with him gone, I lightened up and the night was wonderful. Thanks to Amber...
My real best friend.
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Posted: Sun Jun 20, 2010 9:20 pm
Life has ups
Life has downs
Life is sad
Life is happy
Life is hurting
Life is healing
Life is loving
Life is losing
LIfe is pain
Life is comfort
Life is sorrow
Life is joy
Life is enemies
Life is friends
Life is want
Life is need
But above all
Life is worth living
Some people might say life sucks
or life is full of s**t
While other people say life is beautiful
or life is full of surprises
I must say, I agree with all those
Life is whatever you think of it..and everything you think of it
Life is what you make it of it and what you say of it.
Life is about sadness
Life is about happiness
Life is about pain
Life is miserable
Life is about loss
Life is about smiling
Life is about crying
Life is about love
Life is about laughter
Life is about learning from your mistakes
Life is horrible
Life is dumb
Life is awesome
Life is depression
Life is tears
Life is sorrow
Life is anxiety
Life is Bullshit
Life stinks
Life sucks
I could go on and on and tell you all about life
But I'm not here to sort this out for you
cuz..
Life is all about you and how you treat it
You criticizes it...well, you're actually criticizing yourself
You like it, you hate it..well, its all up to you
Life is you so be careful how you describe it
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Posted: Mon Jun 21, 2010 7:46 pm
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 9:10 am
Well, im a very literate person. The longer the better for me. Besides, some people like to read it. [:
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Posted: Wed Jun 23, 2010 9:39 am
June 23, 2010
After any long relationship, one usually enjoys being single. I did. I couldn't have loved it more. Instead of being focused on one guy, you could date multiple guys and not get accused of cheating. Now, that may have made me sound a bit on the slutty side. But, I am not a slut. I have only had sex with one guy. I have kissed a number of guys but that doesn't mean much.
Anyways, after you become single for a while, you starts to feel a longing for someone that you can count on. Someone that would always be there for you. Yet some part of you still wants to be single. Others, however, do not get that feeling until a long while later. It only takes a few months, or, a few weeks or days for that matter, for some. While others it could take years before they actually want another relationship.
For me? I had been single for nine months. Not that long, of course, but I suddenly began to feel the longing for another relationship. Someone that I could go out with. Someone who would visit me. Someone who would love me.
Of course I had friends. Good friends. Best friends. But even if all of them tried at once, they could not fill that little empty hole in my heart. This did not depress me. I was not depressed over this. I have not felt sad even once about me not having a significant other. I just know that I want one.
But I am very picky. Some random guy just cant walk up to me and expect me to fall madly in love with him. No. I had to get to know him. I had to learn to love his flaws instead of thinking "Why the hell did he do that?" I had to learn to love him. I couldn't just love him. Love is a powerful thing, ya know. And I do not plan on taking it for granted.
However long it would take, I planned on finding another boyfriend. One who would make me smile, make me laugh, and make me blush. I loved that. So this is what I plan to do: Find a few guys to talk to, and choose the best of them. I realize that this is not a compitition. So when I say "choose the best of them", I mean that I will choose the one who is best for me. But, what I have learned about myself when I try to find a boyfriend is that I am ery cautious.
Which might be a bad thing.
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Posted: Sat Jun 26, 2010 9:22 am
June 26th, 2010 This would normally be where I start a wonderful page in my diary. But right now, I feel different. I dont exactly want to write about one thing. Maybe more than one thing. Maybe ten things. Each of them isn't much but each of them helps contribute to the mixed emotions that I am feeling.
Connor. One of my dear friends. He means so much to me, he really does. He means so much to me that I refuse to let our relationship go any further than it is now. Just friends. Close friends. But still just friends. Amber asks me if I love him. I do. But not in a way such as I love Corey or loved Norman. Connor means more to me than they do. Yet I still cant find it in my heart to love him like I have loved others.
Colby. The new guy. I'm talking to him. He's very sweet and funny. Exactly what I'm looking for right? Wrong. It's complicated. He is what I'm looking for but I just dont feel anything for him yet. Maybe because we haven't talked that long. Maybe he'll grow on me. [:
Zach. My best guy friend. I love him so much. I mean, I used to have a thing for him but eventually I got over that and he is like a brother to me now. And now that he is starting to get feelings for me, I cant say the same for him. I just dont feel it with him like I did a year ago. But he is convinced that we would make a wonderful couple. But he may, in fact, be a bit too clingy?
Corey. You all know him. Well, I felt the first pain of him being gone. That was last night. I cried a little. Not too much. Mostly because I couldn't seem to get it right with him. I dont know what he wants and therefore I cannot give him what he wants. It's so crazy. I get so mad at him but then it's like I cant be mad at him anymore. I'm mostly just jealous cause this Casey girl can get him in a week when I couldnt get him in a month. Ugh.
Amber. I love her. She's my best friend. She knows everything about me but even now, she doesn't know completely how I feel about things. That's because I dont even know how I feel about things! So in a way, I feel like I'm leaving her out and she cannot give me the exact advice I need because I am not giving her the exact details of my story.
Payton. Mmm. That boy is yummy. I work with him and, man, I like that kid. He's a year older than me. But he is very... I dont know... Hard to come by. I love it. Especially when he plays games with me. Like he'll look at me, wink, and then he'll leave work and keep me guessing. Oh my god. I love that. Cause I hate it when a guy thinks he knows what he's doing when he really doesnt. But this guy... He knows what he's doing and how to do it. [:
Anyways, that about sums it up... That was it. Everything I felt, shorted to little paragraphs... Hmm, if you want to know what I really feel about each one of these people, you should take each paragraph and make each of them into like a book. That would be the extent of each of them. Which equals a lot of emotion.
500 million, to be exact.
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Posted: Mon Jul 05, 2010 9:50 am
July 5th, 2010 Okay so you know how the craziest things happen in the weirdest places? Well, it's happened to me now. I have been kinda searching for a nice guy. And, believe me, I like to flirt. So when I was flirting with this guy at walmart, which doesn't totally mean much, I realized that he was kinda cute. And his personality was adorable! He was so funny too! Actually, I dont even know his name at the moment... But it wont be long before I figure it out. I really like him. But god only knows how old he is. In his early twenties, i'd imagine. Age counts a lot towards what I think of you. And, when I say age, I mean your actual age and what age you act like.
He seemed like a gentleman. That was good. He was funny. That was really good. He is good looking. That's great. And he flirted back with me. That was awesome. Usually guys flirt back with me but not like this. He would actually let me walk away. I think he knew I was playing a little game with him. And, frankly, I think he liked it!
He's definatly a chaser.
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