Aloysia Bloodfur
Your apostrophe is in the wrong place with 'til, two lines messed up their syllables, and one stanza doesn't rhyme.
On to the important stuff...
I really enjoyed reading this. I can't lay my finger on why, but I found it interesting, fun to read, thought-provoking, and all-around good. It was fairly well-written, though I have faith that once you edit it one more time you'll make it even better. Excellent job. I did a quick edit, noting your criticisms. How's this?
Flying sparks ignite the day
Children dying as they pray
Listen to my name, old friend
I have watched the world end
Smoldered in the dirt beneath
Trampled by the wild beasts
Thousand heroes torn asunder
Broken under rain and thunder
Hear the crying serpent call
See your dying angels fall
Grey reflections sing a song
I've watched that all night long
Shouldering both fear and grief
Marching on 'til endlessly
Row by row, fleet by fleet
The rise and fall of destiny
It gets so dark this time of year
The sea is filling up with tears
Alas no longer do I speak
I listen to the world weep
I've watched that all night long...
Also, wondering which one you think sounds better.
Smoldered in the dirt beneath
Trampled by the wild beasts
Thousand heroes torn asunder
Broken under rain and thunder
Or
Smoldered in the dirt beneath
Trampled by the wild beasts
Five thousand heroes torn asunder
Lay broken under rain and thunder
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