HERE HE! HERE HE, YOU PEASANTS AND BUMS! It is I, "King" Larry Sweeney, your true King and Ruler of the this DUMP of a Kingdom, KANJOKU Pro! No matter who has that damn belt, everyone knows I'm the only cat that runs this place and I'm going to prove it as this Summer will be nothing, but PPVs hosted by yours truly! A SUMMER OF SWEET 'N' SOUR LARRY SEEENEY! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
And we will be starting it offf with our first pay-per-view event which will be held in a Renaissance Faire! That's right, ya morons! We're going to take our roleplaying to the next level and go back in time where scumbags slayed dragons, princesses got laid, and there was a KING in charge. ME! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
So put on your armor, bustiers, and barrels! Get your swords, mutton, and brew! CAUSE WE HAVIN' OURSELVES A FAIRE AT EVIL MEDIEVAL!
ANNOUNCED MATCHES:
"The False King" Chris Hero vs. "Executioner" Yoshihiro Takayama
No matter what anybody says, no matter what you saw at Extending Our Dream, Chris Hero is NOT your King! He is not the REAL Champion of KANJOKU Pro! I am and will prove it with this little raspberry over here...before the Renaissance, the Black Plague spread through the countryside killing millions and what do ya know...we got ourselves a barrel full of rats and fleas ready for the loser of this match. Hero will defend his belt against the man who'll behead you, hang you, and just plain leave your life hangin' by a thread..."Executioner" Yoshihiro Takayama in a Black Plague Match where the loser will be exposed to the disease! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"The False King" Chris Hero & "Buxom Wench" Rain vs. Sir Shingo Takagi & He Who Thou Shalt Not Be Named
That's right! Chris Hero will be doing double duty at this show! I mean, he is the "champion" afterall. Don't you all think he should prove himself? Heck, I do! And who better to join him then his strip and c**k teasin' floozy of a girlfriend, Rain, who will be playing his slutty wench! They will be facin' my most loyalest knight, Sir Shingo Takagi, who will be teamin' with a Mystery Man...and lemme tell ya, I had to shell out a lot of cash to sign this prospect to Sweet 'n' Sour Inc, but it's gonna be worth it, ain't no doubt about it! The stipulation will be an Archery Practice Match where the two teams will be wrestling on an open field where archers are practicing their bow and arrow technique. BULLSEYE! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
"King of the Southern Kingdom" Jerry Lawler vs. Abdullah "The Meat" Butcher
These two brawlin' legends have been awe inspirin' since Larry Sweeney was knee high to a grasshopper, I tell ya! That's why I'm going to be nice and have this title match a King's Gift Match. Now if you're familiar with past LSNWA Shows, we had the Slot Machine Match and the Christmas Gift Match...all with the same concept! Random boxes with random items handpicked by me! It'll be Royalty vs. The Butcher for the gold!
"Barmaid" Bambi vs. "Gypsy" Daffney
You know what...I might as well go ahead and assume every woman in KANJOKU is a whore and boy, do these two broads look the part. Since that Bambi girl seems to have a thing for alcoholics, she'll be playing the role as a Barmaid. Yep, reduced to showing off your cleavage and helping drunkards guzzle down their beer! Daffney will be portraying a Gypsy. A rump shaker who shows it all for money and tells lies to people! This here title match will be a Horse Stable Match where....well, it's pretty much self explanatory. You're both were probably raised in a barn anyways, so this ain't much of a problem for you two, huh?
"The Village Idiot" Takuya Sugawara vs. "Nobleman" Jimmy Rave
Ya know, I always liked that Jimmy Rave kid. Treatin' women the way women should be treated...LIKE THE GARBAGE THAT THEY ARE! So that's why Jimmy will be a Nobleman. The wealthy, the famous, and the most respected in the kingdom....and then there's that drunk slob Suga...somethin'. Ya bums aren't payin' me to pronounce names! This title match will take place in the Dragon's Lair where Brodie Lee slumbers...don't wake him up!
Jeff Hardy the Bard vs. Khali the Ogre
Jeff Hardy's a no good punk that sings terribly...so might as well make him a traveling herb smokin' bard who tells the tales of heroes, kings, yada yada, and all that junk. Khali's one scary lookin' customer, so pitting him as an Ogre fits great! The LSNWA Title will be defended in a King of the Castle Match where the two competitors start out outside the castle and battle their way inside and to the top where the only way to win is to throw your opponent off the top of the castle. Now I don't know WHY a bard or an beast would be in MY castle, but I don't have time for explanations. I GOT A SHOW TO BOOK, BABY!
"Brewer" YAMATO vs. "The Town Drunk" Kevin Thorn
I have no love or respect for these bums! Nothin' but queers and drunks who our takin' the spots of hard workin' wrestlers like ME! So how fitting would it be to give these two the most degrading roles here! YAMATO who'll brew his own drinks until he dies of alcohol poisoning and Kevin Thorn who'll do ANYTHING for a good fix...and I mean ANYTHING! These two will face off in a Torture Chamber Match, and man, I gotta say...this ain't gonna be lookin' too good for Kev as I heard it from the grapevine that YAMATO is into that type of stuff and is batting for the other team. OH WELL!
NO PIC OF ANDY KAUFMAN. :sadface:
"Sheriff" Andy Kaufman vs. "Friar" Johnny Devine
Just like Jimmy Rave, another man who knows how to judge and treat a woman! So who better than Andy Kaufman to handle the law in my town? Then there's that fat balding loser, Johnny Devine! He wants to take the fight to me? Hell! We'll take it to him right back...IN HIS OWN CHURCH NO LESS! BWAHAHAHAHA!
"Court Jester" Kikutaro vs. "Farmer" Tracy Smothers
So I hear my jester has been messin' with Smothers' crops. UNACCEPTABLE! But then again....he makes me laugh, and let me tell ya, Larry Sweeney loves him a knee slapper...so I'm gonna make it fair. Loser of this baby gets roasted like a marshmallow!
Shuri the Nun vs. "Milkmaid" Kana
NO PIC OF KANA. :sadface:
Oh look! Another whore I can't stand! That Shuri broad always smilin', always cryin', always being nice to people...makes me sick! And now we got a new broad coming in who apparently likes to use her a** as a weapon! Disgustin'. I don't care who wins this one! All I know is one of these bitches is gonna be flappin' their arms like chickens at the end of it!
"Pope XXX" Excalibur & "Clergyman" Super Dragon vs. Sinners Kota Ibushi & Shinobu
Back in the day, homosexuality was considered a sin among the Church who were the big wigs. Now I'd like to note that Larry Sweeney is a God fearing man, that ain't no lie, but execution ain't my thing unless that certain person messed with Larry Sweeney. I have no beef with these two fruit flies, so I'm lettin' the Church handle it the way they want. Loser gets beheaded!
"The Dragon" Brodie Lee vs. "Elegant Prince" Anthony W. Mori
Hey! Looks like that little girl was prepared for this PPV way before I even planned it out! No clue why she decided to be a Prince, but hey. Who am I to judge fellow royalty? Just like in classic fairy tales, Brodie Lee, the menacing dragon has caused chaos through our land and needs to be stopped leaving our hero, the Prince, to slay it! Just like Jeff Hardy vs. Khali, this match will be a King of the Castle Match! Let's just hope this dragon can't fly.
Hornswoggle the Imp vs. Ariel the Succubus
HOLY HELL! Those are the biggest pair of.....eyes.....I've ever done see! This match will be mythical beast vs. mythical beast as here you have the imp who's known for his love of trickery taking on the succubus who's known for her love of seducing men to do their will...only problem is they can't fight in peace as our local archers want to slay them both on the field!
SIGN UP, PEASANTS! BWAHAHAHAHA!
