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 Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 6:48 am
Greetings, cocktasters! Welcome to NSFW, the new blog from the guy you all want to be, Matt Seraph, and the girl you all want to bang, Samantha Leonhart. (Also, it was Sammy's high school nickname - Naive, Stupid ******** Whore. ) Anyway, we figured everyone else is blogging and we're better than them, so why aren't we? Then I realized, it's because Samantha doesn't know how to do anything with a computer other than watch lesbian porn. Apparently she knows how to type now, so here we are.
First, I'd like to talk about the recent happenings on Drown, better known as the only show on TV you should be watching. I've crushed the Ghetto Crack Babies (Pimpin and Young Money don't seem to have a team name, so I'm christening them that) for three straight weeks. Seriously, guys, maybe if you didn't overload on fried chicken and purple drink before you got in the ring you might've at least made it interesting. Obviously, I'm on a three-match win streak since returning to EEW, and apparently Tim Silvia recognizes skill, charisma, drawing power and all-around epicness when he sees it, because he put Sex & Violence in the Tag Team Championship at One Night Stand. Are opponents? Not that it matters, but we'll be facing the aforementioned Ghetto Crack Babies, Team Carnage and an unknown team. I've already ripped the Crack Babies a new a*****e in this post, so I'll spare them my wrath a second time. Team Carnage are, as far as I can tell, a couple cross-dressers who relied on that whiny b***h Chrono having control to get the tag belts. Seriously, I'm from Vegas. I've knocked out a couple faggots in drag in my time. You homos don't have a snowball's chance in hell. On the subject of the mystery team, I can only think of two reasons why Timmy wants to keep it secret. Either it's option A, where it's the debut of two a** pirates from the main roster teaming together, or option B, he got a couple of washed-up has-beens with massive beer guts (known to fans as "legends") to compete. Either way, I think it's safe to say I can take care of them. Mark your calendars, sports fans, because June 13 is the night that the tag titles become epic again.
Oh, and if any of you cocktasters reading has a question for me or the world's most adorable crack whore, send them and I'll try not to berate you too much in my answer.
"The American Jesus" Matt Seraph
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Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 7:10 am
Dear Matt Seraph,
Any clue why Tim Sylvia would want to keep the other team a secret? Do you think that he might think that keeping two competitors a secret will throw you off?
--Sincerly, Sum Yeung Gai
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Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 11:30 am
Dear Matt Seraph, Sum Yeung Gai and anyone else reading:
LEARN TO SPELL and PUNCTUATE!
Your friend and mine,
The Grammar Nazi
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Posted: Wed Jun 09, 2010 2:02 pm
Dear Matt and Samantha,
What were you up to while you were away from EEW?
From
Dave Clark
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Posted: Sat Jun 12, 2010 12:09 pm
I have a question for the crackwhore....did you not watch Whitney and Bobby...CRACK IS WHACK!!!
_eewfan1819
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Posted: Tue Jun 29, 2010 1:44 pm
All right, time to get to this mailbag...
Dear Sum Yeung Gai,
Timmy obviously doesn't want me to know who I'm facing because it's the only way I'd be worried about them...their true identity is probably more underwhelming than Robert Pattinson. Uglier, too.
Dear Grammar Nazi,
I don't know how to say it in German, but suck my c**k.
Dear Dave,
Excellent question. During our long contract dispute, I was fixing up an old Mustang I came across, as well as doing a few workouts with the New York Jets (I was all-state in football for three years in high school, plus I have the physique of a god). Other than that, mostly I just enjoyed the time to myself. Sammy, as usual, was doing a lot of drugs and sleeping with a lot of women. (Sammy: ...actually I was filming a pilot for a new TV show...)
Dear _eewfag1819,
Crack is whack. Ecstasy, however...not so much.
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Posted: Tue Jun 29, 2010 4:33 pm
Gee....You finally resurface. Not answering any of my calls. I was "afraid" you were dead or worse, Samantha went on a warpath and killed you and then herself......Oh s**t, I forgot, If I mention the Benoit suicide story, I'd get sued! surprised
-Chaos
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Posted: Fri Jul 02, 2010 9:01 am
Chris,
Nah, Sammy didn't kill me. Besides, even if she chased me with a meat cleaver or something, she's so fat she'd never catch me.
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