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Reply Poetry: Death/Pain/Rejection/Darkness
Death (feedback please!)

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EstoPerpetua

PostPosted: Sun May 16, 2010 5:06 pm


Well this seemed like the obvious subforum to put it in. I really would love any help you can give. If its horrible, please let me know and tell me WHY! If its good, you can just say that although yet again, telling me why would be a nice perk. Thanks for any help you can give. Here goes nothing:

Death.
The ever imminent adventure.
One of the very few indiscriminate forces on earth.
Heedless of the nature of the person, showing no disdain or awe,
Death comes,
Whether it be to the plebeian nonentity, or to the wealthy miser.

We are all fugitives of death, trying to become emancipated,
But failing in the end.
Death holds no qualms, and takes every one of us in the end.

Yet, even though every person who ever reads this odd attempt at
Poetry will die along with countless others of our time,
Life will go on.
No matter how many of us become whispers riding the wind,
Life will go on.
Despite all our vain attempts at surviving on earth for eternity,
We will die,
But life will go on.

And with life there is hope,
The companion who is with us at our darkest hour,
The one who gives us our dreams,
And helps us through the night.
Hope is the unison of voices shouting into an inky void of
Despair, “We will not give up without a fight.”
Through it all hope is there to guide us,
So, though I once started with death,
The rightful beginning and end for all eternity is hope.

Now I will end this composition,
And remind you,
There is
Always
Hope.
PostPosted: Sat Dec 25, 2010 10:43 pm


So, here is my.. Stanza, for lack of a better term, on my opinion. (Don't be scared razz )

Here are the con's I see: In my opinion, I'm not sure if "Death" is the right name for the poem. To me, I would have named it "Life Will Go On", because you seemed to repeat that often. Maybe "Hope", seeing as your ending. Also, in the second verse, I understand how hard it is, believe me, but repeating the word "end" twice in the same stanza is a little sloppy(no offense!!!). Maybe try a different word or a different way to put it?

Here's the pro's: I absolutely loved it because of the way it seemed to flow out of your hands. I could imagine someone writing this without even thinking, and producing this wonderful poem. I love the vocabulary you used. I know most people, especially me, would put simpler words, but your use of "disdain", "miser", "plebeian", etc. was absolutely powerful, and sent a strong image. I love how you completely took pity on the poem, thinking it wouldn't be that great, when, in all honesty, it was actually written really well.

Just thought I'd state my opinion. smile I was purely honest and with good intentions. Please don't hurt me.. lol.

Oreo Panda16

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Poetry: Death/Pain/Rejection/Darkness

 
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