Wow, uh, really simple. My ex girlfriend and i broke up about 2 months ago, because of issues with an untreated mental illness of mine. The issue is, because I saw what i had to lose, i went and got help, but.. it was too late... and um, we still love each other.. we just.. both know that getting back together would be a big risk. Too big of a risk.
She's handling is pretty well, but.. also not so well... She makes it clear we cant get back together because she doesnt think that this control i have over myself will last, even with medication.. but at the same time, shes extremely depressed and even suicidal sometimes.. not suicidal so much because we're not together, i dont know that, but i think its more because shes lonely and i've just.. broken her down so much during our long relationship that she doesnt feel good about herself anymore.
Im.. i dont know what i am. Im.. under control, but at the same time.. i keep myself up at night crying uncontrollably. The guilt is just.. too much for me. At the time, i saw myself as the victim of some uncaring and completely shut off partner. Now, with the mood stabilizers i have a chance to rethink those situations and present situations and see whats wrong with my actions... i can see that silence doesnt mean 'i hate you'.
I know, im a monster, and i know i dont deserve her, and i know i dont deserve forgiveness... And i know that.. its probably not worth the risk to her to get back together
But how do i move on? Ive tried getting into something like a hobby and basically burying myself in work and even trying to find new friends or a new relationship.. but i cant. I cant have a relationship or something even remotely like it because... im not ready and it wouldnt be fair to pull some poor unsuspecting person into a relationship when im still in love with someone else. What do i do?
and i HATE that i cant help her. I HATE that i've done this to her, put her in this situation, and now i just have to walk away. Shes still my best friend and i hers, but at this point, our friendship is a little strained. The first month we were apart seemed.. easier to handle.. but the longer we're apart the worse things get, both for our friendship and us as individuals. Shes trying to find someone new, and even though i cant stand the thought of it, i say nothing, but when i talk to someone she.. seems really upset by the whole thing, even walks past the computer and sneaks a peek at what im writing (oh yeah, the best part, we still live together, because im homeless and have no other family or friends and she was kind enough to let me stay). I just.. dont know what to do. I figured distance would be better so i've been working pretty much all day every day (16 hour shifts) and when im not working i just drive around keeping myself busy with arrands.. but it seems like the further away i am, the worse she is.. the worse i am.. when i finally come home in the morning (i work at night) and lay down on the couch everything just comes back to me. The good and the bad times, the present, the future.. all worth crying over. One night, i slept over at her sisters, and even just sleeping in a different setting, with no reminders of her (she and her sister arent close at all, dont even resemble each other) i just.. couldnt help but stop and think. I try to think of something else and it just comes back. Guilt. How much I miss her. How much i love her. How much i took her for granted. And i dont tell her this, because it'll only make things worse for her, but...
like i said, i just dont know what to do with myself anymore.. nothing works.
