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 Posted: Thu May 06, 2010 12:13 pm
Character Name: Ashmere
Age: Nineteen Turns
Sexual Orientation: Homosexual
Craft/Rank: Harper/Journeywoman/Candidate(with luck)
History: When had it all really started, since she was a small lass Ashmere was blessed with the most sweet and superb of soprano treble, by shells the highest most clear voice one could hear in all of Pern at least that is what her mother had always told her; it was that gift that allowed the girl to be considered for the Harpers Hall at a tender age of eleven turns. Yet, it was her talent for Composition and Musical Theory that sealed her fate for Harper Blues , she had a knack for it, not the best by any means but surely she would better with more training. For Ashmere, that was the best she could have ever of hoped for, she had yearned and dreamt for as long as she could remember to be an apprentice of the Harper craft. Her mother and father were both of lower crafts, a baker and a farmer; respectable professions indeed but nothing like that of the craft she wished to belong in.
In the earlier turns of her life Ashmere was always skirting around her mother’s feet, much to her father’s disapproval, helping in the kitchens were she could; stoking hearth fires, and brewing Klah being her two favourite chores to aid with, however as she grew older her father known as Yvermur dragged his frail and sickly daughter from the dim glow of the kitchens outside to the field to ’put muscle’ on her bones, the man that helped bring her into Pern was convinced his daughter was too dainty a flower and far too much a crybaby; he would be the one to wean her from her mother’s teat. He had always felt that her being the only child would do no good to her health, she was sickly but only because she didn’t eat correctly, she had always been a fussy eater, the fresh air would do her well, he refused to raise a reclusive hermit of a child, not when he knew full and well she was capable of being healthy and productive.
Only a single turn passed before the chores of being a farmhand took a positive toll on the young Ashmere; it seemed that the hard labour had helped her become stronger, it also built her confidence, she would sing in the field for her father bringing a smoother tone to her treble and not so shaky, he too was pleased with his daughter but even in the sun she didn’t quit tan like most people did, she would darken a few shakes but nothing more. It was a day just like any other, Ashmere was collecting tools and the like for her father, as well and sneaking away scraps of good hide for her to write on, it was that day the girl carelessly fell landing roughly on a pointed rock, her vision was spared however the result leaving a forever scar on her near-perfect angelic face. It seemed for the longest of times that no amount of numbweed could take away the soon-to-be harper’s pains, however that was just a brilliant act by the little girl so that she could skip out on her chores for as long as she could, she had hide and plenty of it that she wished to write and drawl on. She was the age of ten (almost eleven) at that point in her life, an entire turn ‘lost’ to faking illness and pains, pleading that she simply was not well enough to work outside with the sun; which she did find unpleasant and caused her eye to become irritated and red sometimes accompanied by watering or swelling. Oh how the soon to be harper played her parents over protectiveness, her father the most felt it was his fault for her wound and lack of confidence to come back to work, little did her realize she was just being a sly little creature, for an entire turn which she used to her advantage Ashmere scrawled dozens of ’twiddles’ as her father called them (her mother called them ’lovely songs’ Ashmere herself she referred to them as ’sagas’ a term she thought they earned indeed). Hundreds of notes and lyrics all neatly written on scraps of hide left unused and forgotten by Yvermur, the local harper of her hold often worked with the girl, her penmanship was something close to chicken scratch, it had taken both her and the harper months to realize that she was left handed rather than right handed, once that was discovered the harper was pleased with her improvement, she still was not the best at inflection or remembering certain notes, but when she wrote down lyrics she could easily recall the tune that she gave them.
It then came a day, a seventhday from being back to her feet and able to attend chores that the young brunette found a new feeling stir in her small, petite frame, words at that time could not begin to merit the intensity she burned with; all her work save for four songs had been sanded clean from the trim hide that was near perfect, wiped away by her father without a care or even a need. His exact words went something along the lines of: ’a girl your age should get your head out of the clouds and into the mindset of what you are capable of. Your body is not fit for work, you’re a deadglow, with no real skills to aid the Hold, someone like you would best be a drudge, maybe it would be best if you stayed beside your mother all your turns, who was I to try and make you into something useful.’
Ashmere grimaced and winced at his words, the emotional uprising of pain and heartache she never knew that she could feel suddenly swelled in the little girl, in all her turns no one had ever been so cruel, there were a few children that mocked her because of her manner of speech (a few sparse stutters and constant lisping); but never did she think her own papa would address her such as what he had. In inner conflict of proving her father wrong and proving herself to him, she pushed away from her love, her art her true calling, and set her sights on bringing honour to her family, even if that meant not spending as much time with her harper teacher, at this he understood her need to prove her self-worth to her father, it was something that most children at one point in time try in their lives, he himself too had proven to his own father his worth as a man when he was still just a lad. Ashmere too blamed herself for her papa’s words, she knew it was wrong for her to fake being ill and in pain for so long, she knew her father was justified in cleaning her music from his hides, but still it didn’t make her feel any better about what she had done, or the words that he had spoken.
Time and time again she put her efforts in tasks that were new and odd, weaving, smithing, yet with each new attempt the young Ashmere found herself failing, it was at this point her mother kindly reassured her daughter and gave her the confidence she needed to rekindle her love for song.
‘But it is in Harper Blue, I can’t wear that mother,’ Ashmere had complained when the older woman brandished a new tunic and trousers for her daughter. The woman simply shook her head with a sly smile.
‘Where you are going, my daughter, blue is a common colour I hear,’ she had retorted as she braided her sole child’s hair into tight folds, neat and restrained. At the time Ashmere didn’t understand her mother’s words, nor her actions, but it was that very same eve that the girl rode her first dragon and saw her Masterharper, it was that night Ashmere became an apprentice and a Harper; all thanks to her mother, a petite woman with steel grey eyes and matching hair (due to the fact she was already well into her fifties), the woman that she loved and hid behind for so long, gave her a helpful nudge without her even knowing, for she too had found some of the hides scrawled with music; but instead of sanding them clear, the woman called in a favour from a cousin and had her daughter’s work sent to the Harper Hall, instantly stirring the craftsmen of the trade with peaked interest of the babe.
Two turns passed by quickly at the Hall, her skill and love for her work grew, she had become rather skilled with musical inflection, notes, little things, that she could not do when she had first arrived, yet it was still her ability to make songs that set her apart the other harpers of her rank, she had a sharp mind and quickly grasped the new things that were taught. Long days would sometimes bleed into long nights, and sometime it would be several days before she would even find the time to truly rest for longer than two or three hours. In these two turns Ashmere discovered her sexual orientation as she found a journeywoman that she found to be the most gorgeous creature on Pern; she blamed her father fully for her lusty stares and odd thoughts of being with the older girl, yet at the same time she didn’t feel as if her viewpoint was wrong, or even disgusting, it felt natural, just like music. It was part of who she was, and because of that, it was beautiful and true, it was just another life lesson she had to learn on her own.
Where had it all lead her, in her turns at the hall she grew into a fine young woman, she developed her own since of style and flare, she would chase around the troublemakers badgering them with idle threats to keep them on their toes, and in the early morns she would help the kitchen workers and headwoman with breakfast preparations, at times she would wear herself too thin; between chores at the hall that were assigned and duties she gave herself, the seemingly frail harper visited the healer more times than a proper harper ought to; but as time passed and she became older her body could take betterment from her long tasks and soon she became lithe in build which still made the poor dear seem meek. But still, there she was, proud of every step she took to become who she was, strong, not physically but in her own right, strong as anyone she knew, and perhaps stronger than most.
It was in her sixth turn at the hall bring her age to seventeen in full, that she had expected to walk the tables early, it was a breezy night, that carried with it the soft scent of rain yet to come, and maybe even the threat of thread but Ashmere was hopeful the dreary bleak skies would not damper the occasion, for there had been talk that someone would gain rank that very night at dinner. It was, much to her dismay when it was not her that had been announced but rather a journeyman to master. In fact, it upset her greatly, but there were yet secretes to be unfolded that meal. It was when the Masterharper rose that everyone silenced and went idle, with baited breath everyone watched as the master stood and made yet another announcement, it seemed that an apprentice would also be walking the tables and that apprentice was Ashmere. She had been promoted to journeywoman a full turn early! Little did the harper realize that with gaining rank also meant gaining more of a workload and much more ‘harper business‘. For several months which built up to a complete turn Ashmere taught the teaching songs to various holds and the young ones that resided within their walls, she was not disappointed or overwhelmed by the new tasks, in fact the petite woman found a liking to teaching and spreading the harper ways.
As one turn came to an end a new one began, Ashmere had been a journeywoman for nearly two full turns before she had received a request from the Harper Hall, the message via drums had stated that her attendance was choice and not necessary but it would be welcomed, the small-framed woman grinned and quickly returned, eager to see old faces of friends and masters alike. Upon her return Ashmere the Masterharper of the hall told her and a select group of other journeymen that Malvren Weyr was in need of another harper, someone that showed promise, and that the choice was that of the Hall alone. The trials and tests that all of the journeymen and woman went through were at painstaking and tedious, the task of choosing the candidate for the transfer took a full seventhday, but in the end Ashmere was pleased to see that she was the one whom would be going to the Weyr, she for as long as she could remember loved dragons, though she had seldom see them and certainly never up close, so it enthralled the young woman when a large brown swooped in on the day of her leaving and offered her transport to her new home, her new Weyr, and her new life.
Description: Notably pretty, slender, and pale, the only distinct feature that the harper has that keeps her from being ‘beautiful’ is a long jagged scar that courses the length of her face, from the tip of her brow on her right-hand side which runs the length to the bottom of her jaw, her vision however was spared in the accident that caused her dominate feature, yet the damage it caused her emotionally was just as crushing as being blinded.
Clad in traditional harper blues, Ashmere enjoys loose fitting clothes; they tend to give her the feel of protection, as well as useful in hiding her gaunt, seemingly frail frame. Her complexion is fair, verging on a alabaster or ivory however do to her fragile build that her tone is disregarded as just something that is natural for someone that stays inside and studies rather than goes outside for play.
Ashmere is as most of her masters deem ’messy’, she is not one to dress with flamboyant fashions or feminine flair, however her style is not masculine in the slightest, it is simply unique to the small harper girl if not a bit unkempt. Her hair is a light brown in colour which she keeps short, uneven, truly an odd manner compared to others; the back is taken short jagged and layered while the front is kept long and runs the course to her chin (which helps to hide her scar), her bangs are long as well and slightly further past her chin than the rest of the uneven hair in her face, the style has a history with Ashmere so she keeps it and wears it with fondness, a certain journeywoman had ’butchered’ her long hair that she used to keep in a simple braid and in effort to fix it styled her brown tresses in the cute unusual manner.
Ashmere’s soft round eyes are the coldest shade of steely grey, the edges of her hues hid small flecks of icy blue which very seldom catch stray reveries of light, the blue colour only adds to the far away harden gaze that she hides behind soft brown locks, too many younger apprentices had always been frightened by the girl based off her intense stare which she would have to force to brighten with a large slightly fang-ish grin (due to overly long eyeteeth which also cause her a slight lisp still in her older turns, but only slight), it was not her fault that her eyes reflected her lack of sleep or her love for her profession.
Ashmere stands only at five foot two, and with her small build, the girl to most people, seems meek, and frail, sometimes with larger instruments she seems almost childlike, truly the kind of woman that many people would try to protect based off looks.
Personality: The young harper, has her pros and cons, she tends finds many things wrong with herself, things that she tries so very hard to rectify. When Ashmere was younger she would simply blame others, mostly her father for her actions that many saw as odd, however in her older turns she learned that her actions and manners were hers alone and there was no one to shift blame to, no one but herself.
Due to her studies and self goals Ashmere is a bit absentminded and dismissive to others around her, save for people that she grows fond of. Her true underlying nature is stubborn, and quick tongued, to a small degree she finds it hard to take in fully what authority figures have to say based solely on her own judgment and views on subjects, which causes her to be somewhat the troublemaker to certain masters. It is however, her hard work, intelligence and quick wit that keeps her from getting into too much trouble accompanied by her polite and proper manners. Which was due to her mother and father’s consent corrections (normally with a belt), there was no reason that a farmer’s daughter had to have ill temperament and a mouth as dirty as her hands. By shells her parents would have none of that, indeed manners and etiquette were beaten into her and never forgotten, only sharpened with life in the craft hall.
In her time around a particular female journeywoman Ashmere developed certain habits that have long since stuck with her, even though she was reserved she now is very much so the talker if she must she will keep her thoughts to herself, the girl tends to be what some would call ’clingy’ or perhaps ’touchy feely’, the meek girl finds a few sparing moments of great comfort and solace (because she tends to find herself awkward around people) when she feels the warm of others skin or the closeness of their person against or near her body. She often seeks such comfort but as an end result she finds herself muttering rushed apologies before scurrying off to cry in her quarters.
Emotional, overly so could describe the girl fairly well, however Ashmere is fully aware of her odd behaviours and tends to keep things bottled up until she finds herself at a breaking point, it is at those points that the girl indulges tears and locking herself in her room to brood and write her songs, it is other times were she gathers glows, and secludes herself in the bathing chambers late in the eve and soaks for hours until the water is so frigid that it hurts her skin, and makes her small hands tremble to the point she can’t write a single note correctly. It is at those points that she finds herself feeling better and will then clean after herself and make way to her bedchamber.
Ashmere is more than just slightly absentminded she is also compulsive and obsessive when it comes to certain things, routines, portions of food she intakes (which is far too little even for her size, yet she see herself as being small, so thusly she doesn’t need to eat as much, a bit of a martyr really), and cleanliness. It is not uncommon to see her fusing about needing to wash her hands after a long practice with instruments or her sense of urgency to leave dinner so she can bath. Overall Ashmere is a disheveled, clumsy, and a brilliant harper that is seldom values herself for her good qualities but strives to better herself so that one day, she can feel adequate and accomplished with her life.
Other: During the next clutch she will be searched---with luck.
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2010 12:43 am
Welcome and thanks for your application! You’ve written quite a lot here so I’m going to go through it by section and paragraph.
History:
Paragraph 1: I will not accept characters that are perfect in any craft or talent. They can be good but they are not the best. Ashmere can have a lovely voice and be talented by all means but perfection is something no one possesses and so I ask that you rewrite or reword that portion – she can be good but she’s not the best. Otherwise aspiring to be a Harper is a common and quite respectable life dream, I’ve no problem with that.
Paragraph 2 & 3: You mention she’s sickly, weak, and frail. While I can understand her father’s desire to work some strength into her, I don’t really understand how working on the farm could weaken someone. Prolonged exposure to such activities tends to strengthen someone. If she’s remained frail or gotten worse, then it means there’s something biologically wrong with her. And if there’s something medically wrong with her, she’d be unfit for Search and Impression. If you want her laid low for a Turn, as that seems to be a central part of your history, have her strengthen from the chores but then received a wound (from the hand sickle?) that became infected and left her weak for months. Blood infections can do that and, if treated, can be addressed fully – it would take a while to do so. It could also instill a sort of over protectiveness or disappointment in her parents that results in her not regaining the robustness that came with the chores of the farm.
Additionally, sickles tend to be very sharp things. If it marred her face it’s probably a significant gash across the nose and cheek, any higher and she’d have lost an eye. I’d also like to know how she managed to scar her face with the sickle as I can really only imagine her fainting and falling on to the blade… which has all sorts of negative connotations like what about the cutting of her neck? It seems highly unlikely to me. Perhaps instead of falling on the sickle, she fell on a jagged rock? Bashed her head when she fell and opened a gash on her face? That seems more likely then falling face first onto a sharp farm instrument and surviving. The part about the fellis juice not doing anything and wanting to die for nearly a year seems melodramatic to me and isn’t really needed – if you mention fever, aches, and the things associated with infections and the medicines doing little for a few weeks, I can understand, but for months it seems implausible and that’s the jist I get with her being bedridden and weak for most of that time. Surely most of that Turn was spent recovering rather than suffering? A month, maybe a month and a half of tense uncertainty then the long road to recovery. If you want the sickle to be part of it, perhaps the infection I mentioned earlier could have been the result of the sickle cutting her leg or arm?
Paragraph 9: Again you stress the skill of this Harper. She can’t be more then 13 or 14 at that time of her past, and with no training previously (you mentioned none about her home), she may have excelled but I don’t think there’s a need to list again how incredibly awesome she is. She can excel at her classes, even be one of the top students but not the top student – there’s a slight difference there and it allows room both for fault and for improvement that I greatly appreciate in characters. And spending nearly a week on a maximum of 24 hours of sleep is unlikely again. She’d pass out from exhaustion before that – especially if she’s as frail as you’ve stressed.
Paragraph 11: With her excelling at her studies, her walking the tables early makes sense. However, she wouldn’t be transferred to Malvren without first gaining the Journeyman rank. She would have to walk the tables with the other apprentices, pass, and then receive the assignment. I would also like to clarify that it would be a reward for her hard work via the Harper Hall itself and not by special request of the Weyr. Perhaps the Masterharper at Malvren mentioned having a slot open for a new Harper and the Harper Hall had to choose a candidate to send? In that case, it’s likely she’d be picked from a group of top choices rather than be the immediate choice. Most Weyrs are only interested in Senior Journeymen and Masters – newly ranked Journeymen tend to spend a handful of years in the Holds teaching the songs and learning their craft via that method.
History Summary: Overall, your history needs some work mostly to tone down your character’s specialness. I understand she might be a dear and near character but no one is perfect and no one will be the best of anything. Her fragility is an issue – if it’s something that’s so great it detracts from her ability to function on a regular basis (ie see the healer far too often) then she’s sickly and thus unfit for candidateship. I really need you to address the things I’ve mentioned, especially the two I just spoke of. Plausibility and believability is important. If you’re afraid she’s not special enough, don’t worry! She’s definitely an interesting character so you don’t need to try to sell every single point – normalcy is, in fact, a bonus here. Character development and events in the shop will allow for characters to have opportunities to become renowned; you don’t need to try to force it all before they’re 20. Additionally, if she’s arriving at the Weyr as a fresh Journeyman, she will need to be Searched. And this won’t happen until the next clutch at the very least so she won’t be a Candidate until that time. If that’s okay with you, than that’s fine. However, coming to the weyr doesn’t guarantee Candidacy and she’s not invited to Stand because she’s not a weyrbrat. If you want her to come to the Weyr and be a Candidate right off the bat, I would like to see her Search written into her history – and attention paid to how the chores of the Candidates affect her health. They work hard in preparation for being riders, no exceptions. If she proves too frail to keep up, it will likely be recommended she be politely excused from Candidacy – which I doubt you want.
Description:
Her scar is a great feature, I like that, but falling on a sickle face first and not dying from a cut to the neck (as the line goes under the jaw, very very close to arteries) is an issue. I’ve made suggestions above about placement and cause that you should consider. I don’t mind scars but they need to be plausible. Her beauty’s something I’m not sure about either… if she’s sick all the time, how’s she beautiful? People who are ill tend to look worn out, tired, have dark circles under their eyes, veins that stand out, red eyes, etc etc – things not usually associated with beauty. Also, she seems to put a whole lot of work into her training and, again, that would wear on her appearance if she pulls long hours on a regular basis and taxes her strength so greatly.
I’m fish belly pale in real life so her skin tone’s fine. However, I’d prefer it not be a ‘sickly’ shade, because that is indicative of health problems that would, again, make her unfit to be a Candidate. If you want her to remain a Harper, however, the sickliness is perfectly fine.
You haven’t said she’s a particularly sharp person and yet she was shunned because of her gaze? Why would she have such a harsh gaze if she was neutral or friendly (considering she helped with chores a lot)? She can have an intelligent gaze by all means but the comments about her being mistreated for her gaze alone confuses me. Also, I’m sorry but no fangs. Normal teeth, please so no unnaturally long eye teeth.
Personality:
I don’t have too much to say on her personality. I like your mix of traits but they seem disconnected from her history. If she comes across as rude, hasty, and selfish… why did she garner so much attention in Harper Hall? Even if she was talented beyond compare, a terrible attitude would have the Masters constantly irritated with her and be problematic in both learning and gaining rank. If she knows she comes across as rude and selfish, the being dismissive doesn’t really contradict that, and again, it would be a problem. Also, her questioning authority would feedback into this bad attitude, especially if she’s also absentminded. And while I have no problem with her being like this, I want to see how it’s affected her life as a Harper – she wouldn’t have always been liked if she came across as almost superior.
I like that she’s a clingy person, that’s a first here and a unique touch. However, please be aware of godmodding for this sort of thing – I don’t think it’ll be a problem but I’m obligated to mention it.
I would imagine being aware of her faults could result in her being a conflicted person. Which, again, is fine and I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it seems like she bottles that conflict up inside and when it gets too much she channels that negative energy into her songs. This is a very good link between craft and personality, though I imagine her songs can be rather sad as a result. It’s also a virtue that she has the self restraint and beginnings of maturity to do so. My only complaint here is not to reach too far into what is and is not allowed in the Weyr. That’s my domain and she’d be allowed a few extra coals but getting so many as to be ridiculous is… well, unlikely. The Weyrs subsist on tithes and they’re especially careful about managing supplies. Taking so much would be considered greedy and as soon as it was found those involved would be punished. So caring for her as she needs is fine, but within reason.
Your summary contradicts your history. She seems highly valued if she was sent to Malvren, walked the tables early, and is talented (and that talent is recognized). It seems like you’re trying to victimize her when she seems like a strong, if conflicted, personality. Peers being jealous, perhaps, or friendly rivalries gone sour, or even people jaded by her poor attitude makes more sense – she seems like she’d make more enemies then be victimized.
Though I do wonder about her helping out in her history. It seems like that was a regular thing… could you explain those more, maybe, and how that fits into her attitude? Perhaps they were acknowledging her short comings and were her attempts to make amends? Rather than purely selfless giving, it was to work to repair damage her negative attitude had done and part of her self-awakening?
Your ‘Other’ comments has been addressed in the paragraphs above so I don’t need to write more here.
Over all you have an excellent start and I like your personality but her history needs some tweaking, her description needs a little bit of adjustment, and I want to clearer links between personality and history. My largest complaints are plausibility of her history - which can be easily fixed – and the stresses on both her perfection and great fragility. Toning down the awesome factor some and addressing my concerns about her health are two things I need to see from you. However, if you plan to keep her as a harper then the health thing is fine. If you plan for her to be a rider, I need to see she wouldn’t be killed from the work, stress, exhaustion, and labour involved in riding and I’m really concerned the work could be potentially fatal.
Oh, and please make your changes the colour red so I can easily see them when you make your revisions? Thanks!
I look forward to your revisions!
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Dragonflight Pern Captain
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2010 11:52 am
I hope that....fixes most of the issues, but I would really still like for her to have fang-ish teeth, I based her off of myself, and it is not so much fangs, but long eyeteeth like I stated, it is not uncommon, but not like she is a demon or a vampire, they are long, pointed because they are eyeteeth, and tend to get stuck on one's lip when they become dry, it is silly, but I also have a slight lisp just as she does, and well, the teeth tend to aid that.
Also, her helping, it is just, because of her mother, I should put that somewhere in there, but at the same time, someone can read the profile and very easily just see her helping is due to her up bringing. Also, I will be a harper, but I wish to be a candidate for the next clutch. -nods- Also, it is lovely having you go so in depth with your critique, I very much value it. heart
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2010 12:06 pm
Considering your revisions are both thorough and thoughtful, I'll let you have the long teeth.
No problem! You put a lot of effort into the profile and I respect that. As it stands now, you've a marvelous profile and are very much accepted. Thank you for being a good sport!
Oh, and she can be searched at the next Clutch =3 You could probably talk to one of the other players if you want that to happen via RP. If you don't, I would like a summary of the Search to be posted here for review when it comes time. Thanks~
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Posted: Fri May 07, 2010 12:18 pm
-squeal of joy- Thank you Skie! I am very pleased to be excepted finally---I was on pins and needles waiting! And when it comes time for the next clutch I will surely try and post it here, or maybe with another player in RP. Either way it stall be posted. -grins- And thank you for the long teeth, it made me feel all warm and fuzzy knowing you allowed it! heart
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Reply
