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 Posted: Tue Apr 13, 2010 2:51 pm
Hey Yuuki here Im stuck in a feaking story and is about to freaking pull out my hair. This is all I got so far:
I stand alone as I watch my love one walk away. " Jake!!" I scream on the top of my lungs. He walks farther and father away.
I stand in my room and throw everything at the wall. I break my mirro, i rip my pictures of him and me, and I scream. I hated my life he lied to me.
I sit in my room. The room is black. I stand up in room and laugh so hard that i stared to cry. " Im sorry please forgive me, please forgive..."
I hate myself " Get out of my way" I push my little bro out of the way. " What the hell is with you." I look at him. He stares at me and then walks off. I get a knife and bring it to my room. I hit the walls over and over again stabeing my teddy bears the floor scream you lier or shut up i hate you i hate you......
I stand on my roof I notice that a person moved into the house next door. I would go over and welcome them here but im too sad to do anything. My old boyfriend. Jake said this to me " Who would ever want someone like you. I dont need you. Nobody will. You ugly. I only used you so I could out with your friends. I screamed.
"Hey what are you doing up there" someone yelled. I almost slipped and fell to my death. I looked around " Were did that voice come from " " Hey I'm sorry I didnt mean to scare you." A boy as old as me jumped from his roof to mine. I gasped. " Are you ok?" I looked up. " Yeah Im fine"
eek i needz ideas plz and ill finish soon
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Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 1:22 pm
I'm...lost. First, the important part. I have no clue what the environment around you looks like. I understand that the picture is perfect in your mind, but I'm reading this and I can't see what you see. You need to describe it with as much detail as you can. The coke stain from when you and your boyfriend laughed so hard that coke squirted out your nose, and instead of cleaning it up you put a rug over it so your mom wouldn't see, or something along those lines. Show us how happy your character was before he broke her heart.
Now, this boy, he could be an agent in MI6 or something, and he's being chased by criminals, or police, or something, and he needs to hide in your room. In your room, your character and him have some dialogue, and they find out they have a lot in common, and he promises to keep in touch, and gives you his phone number, hurrying out your window.
Or maybe he's your character's ex's brother, and after hearing about the break up, he comes to comfort your character and maybe get a new girlfriend while he's there.
I would also recommend fixing punctuation, spelling, and grammar, but they're not so important as getting the emotions across.
I hope I helped.
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Posted: Wed Apr 28, 2010 12:32 pm
aimike3 I'm...lost. First, the important part. I have no clue what the environment around you looks like. I understand that the picture is perfect in your mind, but I'm reading this and I can't see what you see. You need to describe it with as much detail as you can. The coke stain from when you and your boyfriend laughed so hard that coke squirted out your nose, and instead of cleaning it up you put a rug over it so your mom wouldn't see, or something along those lines. Show us how happy your character was before he broke her heart. Now, this boy, he could be an agent in MI6 or something, and he's being chased by criminals, or police, or something, and he needs to hide in your room. In your room, your character and him have some dialogue, and they find out they have a lot in common, and he promises to keep in touch, and gives you his phone number, hurrying out your window. Or maybe he's your character's ex's brother, and after hearing about the break up, he comes to comfort your character and maybe get a new girlfriend while he's there. I would also recommend fixing punctuation, spelling, and grammar, but they're not so important as getting the emotions across. I hope I helped. THANK YOU!!
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