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Poem: Suffocation

Blood_Dragon157

Desirable Firestarter

10,200 Points

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Posted: Sat Apr 03, 2010 3:24 pm

Dark has long since pasted, she awakes. Shadows move, her feelings shows through the darkness. A shadow jumps upon her, she cant move. She tries to breath but her lungs wont move, no air goes in or out. She knows the shadows have her. Her voice long gone. The only thing she knows is... Fear...

Pain feels her lower body, slowly creeping up to the rest of her. Her blood... Cold and long since dried. She's slowly drifting away.

The feeling of dread builds in her chest. Mixing with the fear and blood loss. Finally the darkness builds into a abnormal mass, she has lost this battle. As the sun starts to light the sky she lies abed suffocated by fear.

Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:11 pm

I like the dark theme for it, but I have a couple of suggestions:

1) Break up the poem into stanzas, that way it will flow easier and make more sense.

2) Don't repeat key words, like 'suffocation' and 'fear.' My remedy is to take out the word suffocation out completely, but leave it as a title to let the reader have a bit of mystery while reading the poem, basically let them figure out the person can't breath, it's more interesting that way.