Welcome to Gaia! ::

Well honestly I have no idea where to put this because there is so many things. I will start from square one.

Well, I suffer from depression. I have a pretty bad childhood. My brother is a Drug addict. He started at 13 he is a older brother by 5 years. I always had a CLOSE connection with him. But, drugs changes a man and when he got older it only got more intense shrooms, coke, oxycontin and then Herion... He is 21 now he is married but plans on getting a divorce his wife is a whore who cheated does drugs just like him. My brother has a 15 month year old baby. He is in prison though, so my mother has custody and I help take care of her.. That's my child hood and what a grew up with as well as 2 parents who smoked pot and had bad anger problems they still do.

Now, about myself a little. I am turning 16 in april.. I dropped out because my sleeping disorder as well as my depression. I plan on getting my GED this summer and getting a job or two. Buying a car and eventually moving to Cali. I live in Arizona. I have myself tried marijuana, drinking and cigarettes. I didn't like them... But I will get more to that in a bit. I had a past of 3 years of some close relationships.. Then in 2008 I came to fall in love with a friend. I knew her for 3 years now and we fought alot and I lost her. I been without her for like 5 or so months.

I am so sorry because I said things I didn't mean to her and I miss her. I tried calling and texting but she blocked my number..I miss her and just am so upset I have no will to get out and make new friends or anything...So I sit here thinking about her and my past there was another really good relationship I had but the same thing sorta happened. But, I lost her to drugs...I can't save her and I just don't wanna lose Rachel...The one I fell for..

I try talking to my father I can't I try going to a therapist but my mother forgets about the appointments and I sleep in... I take Paxil but it's not a miracle pill it can't take away pain. I just don't know what to do my life is at a stand still. The friend that I would talk to and have the pain go away was her... I just want to be with her again... But, it could be over and even if I tell her somehow crying and stuff... I am afraid she will take advantage of me and think I am inferior or something... We both have problems and fight for control... When I say fine let's not do this she does it. When she says fine let's not take control I do it. It's on accident but, it ruins everything.

Without her there isn't someone to get rid of the pain. So each day I draw closer and closer to wanting to do Marijuana...Drinking....and Cigarettes. I don't wanna do that... I just need someone....and help... So much help...

I have to head out here, so I'll post quick and then come back and add more later.

If you can get a hold of her other than by phone, why not try that? Just leave her a short e-mail message or maybe a Facebook message or something, and see how she reacts. If you don't hear back, maybe she's still too mad and that'll just be something you have to deal with if that's the case. If you do hear back, then you can work to try to repair the friendship.

The other thing I was going to suggest was perhaps asking your therapist's office to call you the morning of your appointment, or the day before, and remind you that you have an appointment. Or set an alarm and leave a note on the alarm reminding you of your appointment. If you have a cellphone, you might be able to set specific alarms/messages to remind yourself.

Keep strong and keep staying away from the drugs and cigarettes, they'd only cause you more pain and screw up your life. *hug* I know it hurts a lot, but hopefully you can fix some of your situation so things will get better.

If you have her address, could you write her one (and only one) letter?

Good on you for working towards your GED though. 3nodding It makes life much easier in terms of employment once you're older. My boyfriend doesn't have his, and is having this issue - without it, as stupid a system as it is, most employers won't hire you if you have less than a GED. Plain and simple. It's hard to find anything other than menial work and the like if you don't have a GED. So keep working towards it, because it's going to open so many more doors for you once you have it done and out of the way.

Well, first off alarm clocks don't work. With my insomnia when i do sleep I sleep. Only thing that wakes me up is someone touching me and talking. For a period or time.

The meds do work just I sometimes am asleep when I should be taking them and sleep schedule messes up and can't take my sleeping meds and they both work together.