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 Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:24 pm
Critique is awesome, just don't be overly negative...
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Posted: Mon Mar 22, 2010 6:25 pm
Here is something I posted on the art arena..
I ran down the halls of the dim, dark school. She tried the doors but they were shut tight. I stopped and pulled on the doors so hard that I could of sworn they were going to open before my eyes, but they didn't. The black night looked more welcoming than the dark halls of the school. A squeaking of bad rubber shoes walking down the hallway. I screamed loudly and turned around to face my attacker. There was no way out. The Principal of the school faced me and said "Hello Salina". I said "Get away from me, I know what you are." He said "Oh, Really?" then screeched like a wounded bird. A dark spirit came out of his mouth. Or it seemed to be a spirit. It looked like a crow but some kind of dark mist radiated from it. The principal fell to the ground, lifeless. My panting rang in my ears. It was silent except for the slight thump of the principal hitting the ground. The bird flew at me. I knew what to do but I couldn't. Just looking at it, I could feel my soul being sapped from my body, little by little. The dark-spirit bird said "I have searched long to find a phoenix seer like you, long, long" the "long" echoed in my ears. "Long, long, long, long, long". "then, suddenly, my phoenix, Kinedsh flew down the hall at top speed. The light radiating from him lit the halls, and I saw all the lost spirits here, So many.. My best friend, other people, all lost to the void, forever, and ever, and ever. Kinedsh grabbed The dark-spirit bird and ripped it apart. Only a fragment was left, ant the fragment drifted toward me. I was trapped, trapped forever, forever. And the last thing I remember was Kinedsh's Heart opening, him screeching a beautiful song, then the Heart of the Phoenix was revealed.
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Posted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 7:17 pm
I like, but just put some more details in there and break up the lines into paragraphs
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