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*Taken by SoraKat from the Art Gallery and edited for correctness in THIS thread by SuperNerdyPrincess*

!Short Story and Poetry Contest!

This is our first contest in this thread, yay!
To enter you must submit your piece of writing to SuperNerdyPrincess in a PM. There is no entry fee for this contest and no theme.

Rules:
- Must follow the Gaian TOS.
- NO EXPLICIT MATERIAL! No obscene sex scenes, beyond gruesome guts and blood, etc.
- It can include members of the Guild, but only in a POSITIVE light. Nothing negative unless you get the approval of the member and have them PM me to tell me it is ok.
- If you need an idea then feel free to PM me for ideas.

Winnings: 5,000 Gold

I will review the writings submitted to me to proof them and then post them on here. If there are ANY questions feel free to PM me or post. Thank you smile

Competing Stories:

Barry Plotter and the Unwelcome Reimagining
(for the rest of the chapters scroll down)
By Big Boss Wolf
Chapter 1
Iyam Pizdov

It was New Year, three months since Bogsports School of Bitchcraft and Gittery welcomed the latest bunch of magical miscreants that the mouldy old pile had the misfortune to play home to and the very worst was fifth-year prat Barry Plotter. Barry sat there, writing in his diary when an annoying voice yelled in his ear “Watcha doin?” “Bugger off Don!” Barry growled, annoyed with his as-good-as-best friend Don Beastly “Stop being such a Walnut Barry!” Harmonia Strangler, the definite brains of the group, sighed, comparing Barry to a ‘wrinkled nut’ in the gronic sense of the word. Barry glared at Harmonia “Big words for someone who’s writing and funding a Live action shot-for-shot remake of ‘Legend of the Overfiend’ in the hope of getting a part, or fifty…” again referring to gronics. Harmonia grabbed Barry by the throat aggressively “That is a salicious lie that Draino Bathtoy made up…” she snarled, turning and pouting moodily before mumbling something about Barry having ‘Beansprout and Prawn Balls’ and not referring to his takeaway meal. Barry ignored her remark and continued writing the letter to his Godfather

‘Dear Simian

Am in desperate need of money, please send a cheque for…’

Barry paused then grinned in a Money-Hungry way not seen since L Ron Hubbard invented Scientology

‘About 5 grand should cover what I need, also, I might need a sicknote for getting out of Gym Class. BTW Which is stronger, Old Ned’s or Groucho?’

He smiled and waited until the loud thud on the window before it was opened to allow the owl inside, the owl hopped in and Barry gave it the letter, receiving a ‘two-feathered’ salute before the Owl left. Barry flicked the V back, annoyed at getting flipped off by a stuck-up son-of-a-Finch Owl. Don was picking his nose and wiped it on his glove puppet Mr Sockenheim before departing into the bathroom for a few minutes. Barry sighed “Oh god no, he’s got that damn sock…” “Just don’t look at it Barry, I’ve learnt to ignore it.” Harmonia sighed, Barry shuddered with laughter “So, there really is a man you wouldn’t go with…” “No, theres just two moronic mages.” She replied, giving him the finger.

The three students had been sent to retrieve the first-years from the local inn, at the precise moment they arrived back Don turned round and grinned “Who wants to see a basilisk?” prompting a few replies of eagerness. These were quickly replaced with screams of terror as Mr. Sockenheim fell to the ground and Don did a few pelvic thrusts before Harmonia screeched “Donald Beastly! Put it away or I’ll cut the damn thing off!” causing everyone to shut up and Don to grab his ‘Basilisk’ defensively, quickly grabbing his Glove puppet and zipping his fly. Harmonia sighed angrily “F’cking Idiot…” and glared at the first years “Right, this way.” She ordered, one of the first years piped up “Will you whip us if we don’t Miss?” causing Harmonia to scream “Move it you little brats or I’ll stab your eyeballs with a rusty steak knife and drip Chilli sauce on the wounds!” causing the girls to hurry inside while the boys shuffled indoors, trying to ‘Hide the missile’ with their satchels. Barry smirked “You do know that those kids are going to try and join the MHKS3 right?” referring to the rapidly growing Mistress Harmonia Strangler Kinky Slaves Society, whose membership seemed to grow with each first year encounter with ‘Mistress Wandage’ as Harmonia was named by her Worshippers “Do you remember the time we had to bust in? They saw you and it was like the Second Coming, and I use that word in more than one sense.” Barry sighed, Harmonia giggled and flicked back her hair “Well, some men have taste Barry, not all of us are living in hope of getting into a wand-weld with Liv Tyler.” She smirked, Don glared “Nobody had better say anything bad about my sweetie!” causing Harmonia to glare at him “Don, Mrs. Doubtfire is a man!” “NO HARMY NO!” Don screamed, his face turning red with rage “SHE WILL BE MINE HARMY, ALL MINE!” before being struck over the head and a slick, whiney voice spoke “Mr. Beastly, stop being such an insufferable tit.” Professor Skate sneered “And all of you, stop loitering or I’ll take a thousand points from Spliffybore.” “You’ll be lucky, we haven’t had any house points since 1922.” Harmonia sighed, Skate opened his mouth but couldn’t think of a snide remark and minced away in his usual floating-around way that only a classically-trained, typecast British villain can.

Barry sighed, gazing up at the photo of his parents, His father, Ramsey Potter, was a magical chef while his mother, Billie, was an accomplished tennis player. Both had been murdered by the evil Cordon Bleau sorcerer Lord Valuemeal. He growled and sighed “Shut up! Some of us are trying to sleep!” as Shameless Pisstake’s mattress squeeked, Shameless replied “Screw you Plotter! I only just got this issue of ‘Succu-bi’ and I’ll stroke the spoon when I bloody well like!” “Any more, Shameless, and I’ll get Harmonia in here!” Barry replied, flicking the V at Shameless, who went quiet at the threat of La Strangler’s carnal hunger being unleashed upon him, only muttering a cursive “Wand-wiper” in Barry’s direction.

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)

Better to write for yourself and have no public, than to write for the public and have no self.
Cyril Connolly (1903 - 1974)

As far as i know this won't violate the rules and it is a bit old but its my best short story so far and i have a sequel in terminal development. Should warn you if you're easily offfended don't read but if you like a ridiculous parody of a certain boy wizard then share and enjoy ^ ^

Barry Plotter and the Unwelcome Reimagining


Chapter 1
Iyam Pizdov

It was New Year, three months since Bogsports School of Bitchcraft and Gittery welcomed the latest bunch of magical miscreants that the mouldy old pile had the misfortune to play home to and the very worst was fifth-year prat Barry Plotter. Barry sat there, writing in his diary when an annoying voice yelled in his ear “Watcha doin?” “Bugger off Don!” Barry growled, annoyed with his as-good-as-best friend Don Beastly “Stop being such a Walnut Barry!” Harmonia Strangler, the definite brains of the group, sighed, comparing Barry to a ‘wrinkled nut’ in the gronic sense of the word. Barry glared at Harmonia “Big words for someone who’s writing and funding a Live action shot-for-shot remake of ‘Legend of the Overfiend’ in the hope of getting a part, or fifty…” again referring to gronics. Harmonia grabbed Barry by the throat aggressively “That is a salicious lie that Draino Bathtoy made up…” she snarled, turning and pouting moodily before mumbling something about Barry having ‘Beansprout and Prawn Balls’ and not referring to his takeaway meal. Barry ignored her remark and continued writing the letter to his Godfather

‘Dear Simian

Am in desperate need of money, please send a cheque for…’

Barry paused then grinned in a Money-Hungry way not seen since L Ron Hubbard invented Scientology

‘About 5 grand should cover what I need, also, I might need a sicknote for getting out of Gym Class. BTW Which is stronger, Old Ned’s or Groucho?’

He smiled and waited until the loud thud on the window before it was opened to allow the owl inside, the owl hopped in and Barry gave it the letter, receiving a ‘two-feathered’ salute before the Owl left. Barry flicked the V back, annoyed at getting flipped off by a stuck-up son-of-a-Finch Owl. Don was picking his nose and wiped it on his glove puppet Mr Sockenheim before departing into the bathroom for a few minutes. Barry sighed “Oh god no, he’s got that damn sock…” “Just don’t look at it Barry, I’ve learnt to ignore it.” Harmonia sighed, Barry shuddered with laughter “So, there really is a man you wouldn’t go with…” “No, theres just two moronic mages.” She replied, giving him the finger.

The three students had been sent to retrieve the first-years from the local inn, at the precise moment they arrived back Don turned round and grinned “Who wants to see a basilisk?” prompting a few replies of eagerness. These were quickly replaced with screams of terror as Mr. Sockenheim fell to the ground and Don did a few pelvic thrusts before Harmonia screeched “Donald Beastly! Put it away or I’ll cut the damn thing off!” causing everyone to shut up and Don to grab his ‘Basilisk’ defensively, quickly grabbing his Glove puppet and zipping his fly. Harmonia sighed angrily “F’cking Idiot…” and glared at the first years “Right, this way.” She ordered, one of the first years piped up “Will you whip us if we don’t Miss?” causing Harmonia to scream “Move it you little brats or I’ll stab your eyeballs with a rusty steak knife and drip Chilli sauce on the wounds!” causing the girls to hurry inside while the boys shuffled indoors, trying to ‘Hide the missile’ with their satchels. Barry smirked “You do know that those kids are going to try and join the MHKS3 right?” referring to the rapidly growing Mistress Harmonia Strangler Kinky Slaves Society, whose membership seemed to grow with each first year encounter with ‘Mistress Wandage’ as Harmonia was named by her Worshippers “Do you remember the time we had to bust in? They saw you and it was like the Second Coming, and I use that word in more than one sense.” Barry sighed, Harmonia giggled and flicked back her hair “Well, some men have taste Barry, not all of us are living in hope of getting into a wand-weld with Liv Tyler.” She smirked, Don glared “Nobody had better say anything bad about my sweetie!” causing Harmonia to glare at him “Don, Mrs. Doubtfire is a man!” “NO HARMY NO!” Don screamed, his face turning red with rage “SHE WILL BE MINE HARMY, ALL MINE!” before being struck over the head and a slick, whiney voice spoke “Mr. Beastly, stop being such an insufferable tit.” Professor Skate sneered “And all of you, stop loitering or I’ll take a thousand points from Spliffybore.” “You’ll be lucky, we haven’t had any house points since 1922.” Harmonia sighed, Skate opened his mouth but couldn’t think of a snide remark and minced away in his usual floating-around way that only a classically-trained, typecast British villain can.

Barry sighed, gazing up at the photo of his parents, His father, Ramsey Potter, was a magical chef while his mother, Billie, was an accomplished tennis player. Both had been murdered by the evil Cordon Bleau sorcerer Lord Valuemeal. He growled and sighed “Shut up! Some of us are trying to sleep!” as Shameless Pisstake’s mattress squeeked, Shameless replied “Screw you Plotter! I only just got this issue of ‘Succu-bi’ and I’ll stroke the spoon when I bloody well like!” “Any more, Shameless, and I’ll get Harmonia in here!” Barry replied, flicking the V at Shameless, who went quiet at the threat of La Strangler’s carnal hunger being unleashed upon him, only muttering a cursive “Wand-wiper” in Barry’s direction.


Chapter 2
If it falls off then you’ve been pulling it too hard

The Students of Bogsports sat quietly in the great hall, some were playing chess, others discussing the plays of Oscar Wilde and the works of Descartes until one of them hissed “They’re here!” and chaos erupted, a few students were the unfortunate targets of some thrown forks while a few Slitherdins, led by Draino Bathtub, were using their cutlery to perform a sadistic knife-throwing act on a first-year Spliffybore, pinning him two feet above the ground on the wall. A voice spoke “Settle doon ya wee scunners or ah’ll mek shure ye’ll regret it!” Professor MacBagel, the Scottish-jewish transformations tutor, and deputy headteacher, spoke in his broad partick accent as the school’s headmaster, Professor Airbus Dumassedbore appeared, descending a crystal staircase and standing at the head table, he smiled and spoke “Welcome back after the Christmas break, please remember the school forbids all use of Semtex and Depleted Uranium. Now, we have a new Professor of Dark Arts, who was called in to replace the last one, whom regrettably became a human sacrifice for the MHKS3, so please welcome Professor Skiffle.” pointing to the turban-wearing folk musician on his right. A stiletto knife thudded into the chair, missing Skiffle by an inch, causing him to follow the rest of the faculty below the table as all hell broke loose as a pitched battle erupted between Spliffybore and Ragingwhore, with Guffingbutt and Slitherdin providing additional artillery, over who could claim the attempted assassination. Dumassedbore watched, enjoying the mayhem as a particularly industrious Ragingwhore constructed a crossbow with her chair and bra and began firing spoons at a bunch of first-year Spliffybores cowering in a quickly constructed foxhole. The mayhem ensued, Don’s elder brothers Ben and Jerry Beastly selling Molotov cocktails to their fellow students and their kid sister Minni lobbed a hand grenade across the room, which splattered a couple of Slitheredins across the wall. This was classed as ‘Good, clean fun’ by Dumassedbore so he watched until Draino Bathtub produced his father Looneybus’s Anti-Tank Rifle and the staff were forced to call for help, a few house elves threw tear gas and stun grenades down from the rafters while the Faculty quickly put on their Gasmasks and sniper elves picked off the faction leaders with rubber bullets.

As the earthly remains of the casualties were removed on a meat cart, 10 Ragingwhores, 8 Spliffybores, 12 Guffingbutts and 9 Slitheredins, the students took the proffered oxygen masks to reduce the effect of the tear gas. Barry whistled, luckily Simian Flack, his godfather, had given him a gasmask as a Christmas present along with a sawn-off shotgun. Harmonia, who was, somehow, immune to most chemical weapons, glared at the spluttering first years “Don’t be babies! It’s just a little tear gas!” she snarled, putting her hands on her hips, one of the first years spoke “Babies get spanked!” prompting Harmonia to throw a golden plate at him, decapitating the unfortunate Spliffybore as there was a loud whining noise and a sorrowful yap as Collie Creepy pawed at Harmonia’s knee, whimpering, Harmonia smiled, knelt down and began lavishing attention on the unfortunate newshound, he was a remarkable journalist, able to take incredible photographs and type in seven different languages as well as lick his ‘town halls’ which, compared to the other Bogsports students, made him something of an intellectual giant and not just due to his 240 IQ score, making him Harmonia’s intellectual equal. There were rumours of bestiality occurring in Harmonia’s room, the four girls figuring Collie’s bambi-like adorability and canine loyalty made him a better catch than the human males. Life was just Bitches and admiration for Collie Creepy. As Harmonia and the other ‘Collie-kittens’ took their kinky canine cohabitant outside for some fresh air Don Beastly glared at his siblings who had welched on him and sold their last gasmask to Mervyn Steintucchis, the best Oracle in the school, to, in a flourish of wordplay, make a profit on the prophet. As the MHKS3 members claimed the head of the decapitated student as a holy relic the Ragingwhore archer smiled and winked at Barry, as if to say ‘You’re cute, I might not shoot at you next time.’ Which seemed to cause the old Plotter Pointer to salute her, she giggled in an alluring way and winked again before walking off, leaving Barry to fall in love for the 9th time in his scholastic career.

“Today we shall be studying the applications of the Kurrin plant in everyday use.” Skate droned “Incidentally Minni Beastly has cost Spliffybore ten points for the use of undeclared explosive devices; the headmaster does not mind the use of explosives as long as they are declared to a member of staff before term.” He added, causing Minni to mumble ‘Wand-waxer’, Skate rotated around slowly, almost like on a turntable “I beg your pardon Ms. Beastly?” he said in a threatening way, Minni grinned and cast a spell on herself to amplify her voice so it could be heard all over the school “I, Minnimouse Beastly, called you, Professor Skate, a Wand-waxer meaning that you like to bump your own basilisk.” She smiled evilly and sat down as all hell broke loose in the classroom, students engaging in breakfast battle round 2. Skate had safely moonwalked into his office and locked the door before calling for help. Meanwhile, In Spliffybore tower, Barry, Don and Harmonia were sat in a semicircle in front of Simian, Simian scratched his head absent-mindedly, he knew every use of Kurrin, or ‘Kong’ as reefer wizards called it. In fact Simian was famously known as ‘King Kong’ and rarely left his flat, which was adorned with pictures of Pete Townshend and the Jam. He sat there, strumming his acoustic guitar, which was, allegedly, stained with Sid Vicious’ vomit, he stopped and grinned “So, ba-ree…” adding emphasis to each syllable “What do you want lil’ wand-waver? If you need more bread I’m glued man.” Speaking the universal language of ‘reeefer’ Barry stared at him in confusion but Harmonia sighed “Insolvent you dumbass.” “Y-yeah Horny got it right…” Simian slurred, he had never grasped the fact that Harmonia was not called Hormonia and, adding his fried brain stem’s limited power, cobbled together ‘Horny’ which seemed to be a work of divine inspiration and heavy irony. Simian was Ramsey’s best friend and they often combined their knowledge of Cooking and ‘Space Exploration’ and ended up off their faces every night. Barry sighed “We don’t need anything Simian, could you please sod off?” he asked desperately, Simian moaned “Aw man Ba-ree, you guys are so square you’re cubed man! Like to the power of nine! I’m gonna go chill with the centaurs... Least they know Leonard Cohen!” and began his ‘spaced odyssey’ to the forest leaving the bewildered teenagers wondering what the bloody, buggering hell was going on in his head.


Chapter 3
Make sure to take out life insurance

The Spliffybore and Slitheredin students sat at their desks, listening to professor Skiffle drone on “Hello, I am professor Skiffle and I am the new Dark Arts teacher…” He stammered as bullet from Draino Bathtoy’s Anti-Tank rifle ricocheted as it hit the masonry behind him and lodged in the arm of a Spliffybore pupil. Professor Skate, who had been in the corner, skulking, spoke “10 points from Spliffybore for allowing your bullet wound to bleed on a classroom floor.” “Oh c’mon…” Barry moaned “There’s absolutely zero house points! In any house! What’s the point of taking nonexistent house points?” he complained whinily, Skate glared and whiplashed his hand out from his sleeve, wearing a silver glove like Michael Jackson “10…” “What’s the bloody point?!” “10…” “This is ridiculous!” “Look Smart-arse… Never heard of Negative numbers? 10…” Skate snarled but Barry refused to let the subject drop “But the counters are Hourglasses! You can’t have negative numbers on a hourglass! That’s just bloody stupid!” “100 points for being a p***k, another hundred for being arsey and 800 for being such a bloody buzzkill! Taking away housepoints from you Spliffybores is the only thing that gives me pleasure…” “Apart from bashing the banshee!” the class chorused, Skate snarled and in a tearfull voice began stamping his foot with every word he spoke “I DO NOT! NOT! NOT!” and moonwalked out of the room. Barry grinned “I wonder if we make him snap, will he regress even further into being Michael Jackson?” he asked Harmonia who just sighed “Who cares… His wand’s not all that much to write home about…” “Whoa, Harmonia… You didn’t… with Skate…” Barry gulped, Harmonia looked around guiltily “No, I saw it on the net... I typed in pixie and it showed him.” She sighed “I needed it for a project.” “Which one Harm? ‘Sexy Sorceress on Succubus action?” Barry leered sarcastically, getting whacked across the testicles by Harmonia’s Book Bag, which weighed approximately five pounds, as she deliberately dropped it into his lap. The class was abandoned and the students shuffled off lobbing Hand Grenades into the other classrooms.

Hormonia sighed as she read through her copy of the Karma Sutra, Pop-up edition, as Barry began to carve his initials on the arm of the chair with his bowie knife, she looked up “Don, Throw another First-Year on the fire would you?” she asked and the moronic mage duly did as instructed. The school’s ancient PA system spluttered into life and Professor MacBagel’s voice came through the speakers “Plotter, come tae the headmasters office noo ya little s**t, and bring yon pillocks that follow ye round all the teem tae!” causing the three of them to shuffle to Dumbassedbore’s office. When they arrived they saw the headmaster furiously trying to solve a Rubik’s cube, eventually he hurled it at the wall, cursing loudly before looking over at Barry, Don and Harmonia “Ah, you three… I have some good news and some bad news… Lord Valumeal intends to kill one of you, guess who?” he grinned evilly, staring at Barry, Barry sighed “What else is new? I s’pose I have to deal with it myself, what’s the good news?” he asked, the old wizard smiled, a twinkle in his eye “It’s bad news for you… but good news for us!” he smirked then scowled at Barry “I always hated you Plotter, you were a s**t twenty years ago and you haven’t even had the manners to age in that time!” Barry sighed, the headmaster was a senile old fart who had never grasped the fact that Ramsey Plotter had grown up, inflicted his offspring upon the world then bought it when Valumeal came A Knockin’ one cold December night. Indeed rueful behaviour and general arseholery was something of a genetic trait for the Plotters, hence why the teaching staff referred to Barry’s dad as ‘s**t the Elder’ and Barry himself as ‘s**t the Younger’ as a term of abuse, indeed it was rumoured that the staff room had a dartboard with a picture of Barry’s face stuck to it. The three of them were unceremoniously kicked out of the office and Barry sighed “Well, looks like we have to and see the Godfather.” “Get real, Simian’s busy teaching the Centaurs how to roll a 148 skin without using a pritt-stick.” Don rolled his eyes before both Barry and Harmonia glared at him before dragging him to the dungeons.

Donald Beastly Senior was a magical miscreant of the highest order and he made it look good. His position in the magical community was illustrious but shady as he was the head of the Magical Mafia for Britain and Ireland. The Beastly family was originally named Cornetto and had arrived from Sicily in the 50’s but changed the name to something more native. The Don sat in his high-back chair, stroking a white cat as Barry kissed the ring on his right hand “Barrence, you have a been a friend of this family for many years now…” he spoke, sounding suspiciously like Brando “Yet you have never come to me before with a problem such as this, tell me, why, after so many years, do you require my assistance now?” “Forgive me Don but Lord Valumeal is after me, again, and I require the biggest brown-trousers-time-causing piece you can furnish me with…” Barry gulped, the Don sighed “Barrence, I, unfortunately cannot furnish you with such a firearm…” when Minnie whispered into his ear “Unless you do something for me. You see my daughter, light of my life, Minnimouse wishes to take an evening constitutional with you…” “Isn’t she underage?” Barry asked in confusion, the Don held his head in frustration “A date you Schmuck! Now, I will provide with the stuff and in return I expect to hear of a successful date, y’know, a little dancing, a movie, maybe going for Coffee and Cake.” Causing Barry to nod silently, Don gulped “Dad, does Barry really have to date Minni?” “Shut your mouth Donald!” the Don growled “Need I remind you that you are the last favourite of my children, even Perky, the most likely of my children to be a law-abiding citizen, has brought more prosperity than you thanks to his connections with the Gay Mafia.” Referring to his third son Perky who spent most of his time dressed as a pantomime dame, the Don comparing him to Pete Burns at one stage asking “If you’re gonna dress in women’s clothes at least try to look like a woman!”, who, as a result of his transvestism and ownership of a number of bars in ‘The Village’ had acquired numerous connections to the Gay Mafia which had worked to the Magic Mafia’s advantage. Don listened in silence as his father unleashed a torrent of hatred and personal abuse “The only reason I called you Donald was so I could get the cat to throw up on your corn flakes and then be able to eat my own, uncontaminated breakfast without any awkward questions.” Before sighing “Your brothers Gianni and Frederico have become successful Arms Dealers and Ben and Jerry have promising futures, even Minnimouse will be a marvellous Hitman once she gets older, you, boy, are a fizzle!” and with that the three of them were thrown out.

Chapter 4
A hippogriff’s head on your pillow

Barry sat in the Spliffybore common room, nursing a bad hangover. Harmonia sighed “I guess your date with Minni went well last night…” “Shut up, I’m dying!” Barry growled as she passed him an alka seltzer. Harmonia shook her head and whacked him over the head with a textbook “Don’t be such an arse Barry! Did you get the gear off the Don?” “Yeah, AK47…” Barry sighed, his head thumping like a dealer’s Bass speakers. Harmonia got up and picked up Barry’s bowie knife “I just need to borrow this for a little while…” “Okay but if you’re castrating first years again then make sure you disinfect it before you give it back.” He sighed as Simian floated in on reefer fumes “Hey Bar-ree!” “Bugger off Simian, you know we can’t understand you when you’re stoned!” Harmonia snarled, Simian looked thoughtful for a moment “Time and again I tell myself I’ll stay clean tonight…” “And stop quoting Ashes To Ashes everytime I say that!” Harmonia growled, getting somewhat fed-up with the annoying, permanently stoned weed-wizard. Simian was about to reply but then sighed in an overdramatic way “Know when I’m not wanted…” and yelled down the corridor “Hey Centaur dude! Just gunna get some more munchies, back in five man!” before receiving an acoustic guitar chord as a reply and grinning “Layder Bar-ree!” before leaving. Barry sighed, wondering what Professor Proops was doing, Proops had been in Ramsey and Simian’s year and was the sensible one of the four, their last companion being Peter Pillowfluffer, a third rate nerd and general pleb of the highest order. Proops was a werecat and, being the most sensible, was able to somehow coordinate Simian. Barry got to his feet and opened the window as his pet owl Merkin flew straight past him and into the fire, Barry watched as his lobotomized Avian companion was spit-roasted by some hungry third years, Barry stared down as a ten-foot wide golf ball rolled down the drawbridge and a loud, Irish voice boomed “Y’b*****d! You bloody cheated!” “No I didn’t!” replied an equally loud Cornish voice, Barry hated it whenever the giants used the castle as a part of their mini-golf course and a thick anglian accent, less booming but still loud yelled “Ah told yer not ter use the castle as a part of yer bloody golf game, ‘onest Fingal, Bill, You moight be my cousins but I ave t draw the f’kin’ loine somewhere!” yelled Slagrid, the half-giant groundskeeper, who seemed to spend more time getting into the undergarments of the more rotund wenches at The Dragon and Stereotype Inn, in both senses of the term. Barry sighed “C’mon Harm, lets go to visit Slagrid, like we usually do when we’re bored…” and they went down to Slagrid’s Yurt. “Well Barry, ‘Armonia, you ‘ere fer more Kurrin’ or somethin’ a little ‘arder?” Slagrid droned in his best Anglian drawl. Barry shook his head “Sorry Slagrid, Simian doesn’t need anything, the centaurs are giving him his fix. I was wondering if you could keep the faculty distracted while me and Harm sneak out to the village tonight…” “No Problem Barry!” he grinned.

Harm sipped her Cider and Black “So, why are we here in the Dragon and Stereotype?” “Well, lets face it, it isn’t like theres something better to do Harm…” Barry sighed, pint of Bodys, the nickname for Skull Lager, the only lager made by the undead, in his right hand and bag of peanuts in the other, Harm glared, knowing he was trying to insinuate she was a Nymphomaniac. She couldn’t deny the fact it was true but she appreciated a little discretion “Anyway, give me a handful of your nuts…” then noticed his smirk “Comestibles…” before sighing heavily “Your bloody bar snacks you tool!” she snarled, Barry handed the packet to Harm as Professor Proops arrived “Hello Barry, Harmonia…” he smiled, speaking in a high-pitched Arizonan accent, Barry smiled “Hi Prof…” “Hello Professor, sorry, couldn’t speak ‘cos my mouth was full of nuts…” Harmonia blushed before shooting a look that could kill at Barry, daring him to say something “Anyway, we need someone to deal with Simian, he’s off his head with the centaurs and the Leonard Cohen records… again…” she sighed as Nymphomania Mooks, Proop’s long-term partner and state-registered owner, walked over and scratched where his ears would be when he was in his cat form “You’d best go deal with him Seymour…” sending him on his quest into the Fornicating Forest, the hotspot for the area’s doggers, where the various magical beasties lived. Nymphomania smiled at her cousin Harmonia “So, any news on Lord Valumeal?” “No, he’s not been anywhere near, despite what Dumbassedbore has told us…” Barry sighed, Nymphomania smiled “He’s a crock, remember? He needs to spend time redecorating his room with rubber wallpaper.” She grinned, not suspecting what the dark lord was up to…

“Sausagestroker! Where are you?” Valumeal yelled before reaching the room of his minion “Pillowfluffer! You had better not be Pulling the Pixie again!” he snarled, getting even angrier, Pillowfluffer gulped “Er, I’ll be right out My Lord!” “you’d better be you Merchant!” Valumeal yelled before leaving, reverting to rhyming slang, and went to order the Taxi “Hello? Is that MagiCabs? Yes, This is Lord Valumeal, I’d like a minibus for about eightish?” he asked, the Lamia on the other end of the line sighed “Very well sir, where to?” “Erm, Bogsports please and, by the way, what are you doing after work tonight?” Valumeal grinned, trying to get a date, the Lamia giggled seductively “depends on how much you’re willing to spend on a date…” she sighed, hanging up on him before going back to playing Online Bingo. Valumeal grinned, knowing he was onto something good there. He ran back to his rooms and decided to change out of his chef’s whites and into a suit, making him look like Jonathan Frakes, and indicated to his Eggbeater minions that he wanted his Silver Carvery set cufflinks and his tie advertising his latest meal offer at his restaurant. And waited for the minibus to arrive.

Chapter 5
Oh sweet Mr. T of Life!

Barry looked up as Harmonia shook him awake “C’mon Barry, its time we went to the ministry to consult the Oracle.” “No thanks Harm, that stupid old bat won’t help us without payment and I haven’t got any cash… Simian’s cheque bounced so I won’t have any cash until my student loan comes in next week, besides, she smells like cough drops.” He moaned, obviously angry at his godfather’s inability to write legibly. Fortunately for him, however, the Magical Student Loans Committee never expected repayment so he could have as much cash as he wanted from them. Harmonia sighed “Oh well, looks like we can’t go to Schlockmusters and rent ‘Hammy does Dallas: Red hot Sorceress on Succubus action.’ For the month…” knowing the idea of German ‘Boobenfraushlangen’ movies might stir Barry from his kinky dreams. Barry glared at her “What, your latest erotic epic? I still remember seeing you with a cod ‘churman’ accent in ‘Teutonic Tripple-n****e Titfest’…” referring to Harmonia’s ‘extra-curricular activities’ with the girls phys-ed teacher, and resident Valkyrie, Frau Brunhilda and her superfluous n****e. Harmonia glared at him “Listen, mahbbitch, I wanna see just how good the latest in the Strangler Slavemistress series is, so we are going and we’re renting it!” she snarled angrily, dragging a reluctant Barry to the fridge, throwing in some Refridgolube. Refridgolube turned any fridge connected to the network into a teleportation device. Harmonia pushed Barry inside, arriving at the Oracle’s quarters, they looked around, expecting to see the familiar old bat but were greeted by a tall, busty brunette, obviously in her early 50’s but still extremely attractive “Welcome and what may I do for you?” she smiled, causing Barry to start speaking in tongues. Harmonia promptly gonked him and smiled a sickeningly sweet smile at the Oracle “Forgive my friend, he’s an idiot, it’s an inherited thing…” “Oh that’s all right…” the new oracle smiled then glared at Barry “Sit!” causing him to fall onto a nearby chair. Harmonia grinned “Please teach me how to do that…” “Anyway, what do you want?” Oracle asked, smiling warmly at Harm, obviously having seen Barry’s arrival at some point in her past and preparing herself for the inevitable encounter.

“Now, turn to page 21 in textbook 1” Skate sneered to the class, holding up his copy of ‘Notions of Potions, what not to pour down your cakehole’ and writing the title of the chapter on the blackboard “Chapter 2, Utilising the Tears of the Barry Cryer. Now… Mr Bathtoy go sit by the window and fire a few shots at some passing Spliffybores… Mr Beastly, go and sit at the back of the room with the safety scissors and the glitter, you’ll find the glue and coloured paper in the desk…” he moaned, not hiding his obvious hatred for Don, or rather his hatred for the Beastly family in general. Barry stared at the page of his textbook, bored; he’d rather be helping Slagrid with the womble cull. Draino laughed as he caught a bullseye on one of the wombles with his rifle, Barry sighed heavily as Skate floated past “IS there something wrong Mr Plotter?” he sneered, Barry sighed “well I thought the Crème de Mirth wasn’t necessary since ‘Friends’ got cancelled, or do we need it for ‘The Office’ now?” “Don’t be so annoying Plotter…” Skate yawned before drifting off to his desk. Harmonia glared at Skate “I’d love to reveal the truth about him but he uses the Mosleyus Writus spell.” “What truth?” Barry asked, now interested, Harmonia grinned “Well, according to Madam Bryanferry he was admitted to the hospital wing a few years ago connected to a vacuum cleaner while dressed as a Clanger…” she whispered. Skate glared “Ms Strangler, ten points from Spliffybore…” but was stopped when both Harmonia and Barry began whistling like Clangers, causing him to whoop like Michael Jackson and retreat into his office.

Barry looked down at his watch and sighed “C’mon Harm, time we went to the library to find the clue Lord Valumeal will leave to lure me into a trap in order to kill me…” “If you know it’s a trap then why bother going?” Harmonia sighed, used to his idiocy. Barry shrugged his shoulders “I dunno, probably cos Valumeal goes to so much trouble and it’d be rude of me not to reply…” “You and manners? Barry, you have no grasp of manners, etiquette or respect! You spend most of your time either trying to frame Skate for whatever Valumeal is ultimately responsible for or getting drunk with Slagrid!” “That is a lie! I also enjoy trying to get lucky with impressionable seventh years…” Barry sneered, trying to discredit his intellectually, and libidinously, overactive companion. Harmonia swiftly brought her book bag into sharp contact with the back of his head, causing him to yell out in pain as the corner of ‘Merlin’s 1001 uses for garden peas’ nearly broke his neck, he staggered after Harmonia, concussed by her assault, as she held onto Don’s reins. Harry hadn’t dared ask why it was made from leather and had studs but he knew that they weren’t meant to be used for this purpose “well, well, if it isn’t Plotter, Strangler and Beastly.” Draino Bathtoy sneered at the two guys, Harmonia smiled wryly “Draino Baby… Come on, lets leave this idiots behind…” and took his arm before guiding him back to his private rooms, Barry shook his head in annoyance, for some bizarre reason Bathtoy and Harmonia seemed to have an incredible animal attraction, Barry tied Don to the suit of armour and ran down to the library, he walked through the darkness, wondering what was going on, why Madmame Pomegranate, the school librarian, never seemed to notice Lord Valumeal’s Eggbeaters setting up, he could hear conversation in the distance and slowly advanced towards the source, he reached the filing desk and saw Valumeal making smooching noises down his mobile phone at someone and coughed to attract his attention. Valumeal looked over and sighed “Gotta go sweetheart… yeah, the idiot’s here, ok, see you soon, bye… Ok Barry, lets make this quick…” “Why? Your Pay-per-view run out at midnight?” Barry grinned, mocking his nemesis’ reason for needing to leave early. Valumeal glared “I have a date with a cute Lamia if you must know… So, let’s deal with this…” he sighed, drawing his wand and casting the infamously evil death-by-coldplay spell ‘Aveda Lavida’ and a band of yellow light narrowly missed Barry, who cursed loudly and retaliated with a few slugs from a magnum 45. he kept in his shirt, yelling “Eat lead you crazy Mother F!” causing Valumeal to duck beneath the desk “Dammit Barry! Why can’t we ever do anything the easy way?! It’s easy, you simpleton, I shoot you with ‘Aveda Lavida’ and you die a horrible audio-torture death! Then go for my date… Which I need to get to… We’ll finish this later!” he growled, running out as Barry squeezed off a few more rounds in his general direction. He sighed and decided to return upstairs to his room.

Barry stared up at the staff table, Professor Skiffle had bought it a few days ago when the Ragingwhore archer, the girl Barry had recent enjoyed numerous romantic trysts with in the Bob Fossil Fun Room, which doubled as the store room for the electric shock Stun Rods, which had resulted in the continuous use of the phrase ‘all over her like a Nun Sandwich.’ And Barry becoming less annoying. Right now Dumbassedbore was trying to announce who won the weekly house cup, originally the cup was awarded to the best house but, since Dumbassedbore’s half-arsed managerial junta had taken over sometime in the early 1900’s, the houses had, frankly, gone to rack and ruin so the house cup was now awarded to whichever house had the most surviving pupils at the end of the week, this week, however, the idea had to be abandoned due to the fact that Slitherdin house had cheated by giving out body armour, purchased by Looneybus Bathtoy and commandeered by Draino, so now Dumbassedbore was singing ‘Abra-abracadabra’ complete with house elf backing artistes while Simian Flack and the guest centaurs provided stoner guitar accompaniment in return for ten bags of Kong and fifty boxes of Caramac bars each. Barry sighed and slammed face first into the table, praying for this parody to end, at least until a sequel could be devised.

The End…
Nya! Nope!

Barry Plotter (mental age) 006 ½ will return in…
BARRY PLOTTER AND THE CHAMBER OF INNUENDO.

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Lol don't worry, the sequel, when its finished, will be realised in parts lol sorry