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>>Set up the scenes a little more so the reader gets a sense of where you're going.
-The night was bland, moderately sticky inside the doors with the stingy, dim lights casting a murky yell haze on everything and everyone.
>>Smooth over the sentences for a better flow.
-Through the dark and dull scene moved a girl, a girl that clearly didn't belong in such a scene. ((through an introduction like this, the girl is seen more as blending in with the smoothness of the sentence but still showing that she is noted to not belong))
>>Try and avoid saying "it" so much
-No, it wasn't beauty that shocked and puzzled the people of the night life, it was the girl abominable looks!((by slightly altering the sentences presenting the reason for the girl's oddity, it adds more interest and in terms of vocabulary and description. The way the phrase is rewritten here also deducts from repetition of "surprised" and "it"))
**Consider using commas or semi-colons to keep the stream of a sentence going through the description. A lot of the thoughts are connected so they can be blended together.
**Truly (No "e" required)
>>the girl had strolled ((by changing walked to strolled, it give more life to what your character is doing))
>>bartender paced ((again by getting rid of walked, it adds more interest))

{My Response}

The bartender cringed at the sight of the homely beast, repulsed by bother her appearance and request.
"Why don't you scram brat, this aint the seem for a beat up little rag-doll like yourself," muttered the harsh man behind the counter.
The bustling in the busy bar kept from anyone else really hearing the rude remark but at the other end of the counter sat a tall and thin man.

His lips were thing and his skin as pale as the light of the moon. He sipped at a mysterious red liquid peering over at the broken down wanderer who had just been turned down by the bartender. A smirk worked it's way across his lips as he stared at the child with all her wounds. The two had met before and he remembered it well enough, but the question was, did she?

**saying (a typo I assume)
<
{My Response}

In the blink an eye the man was right there beside her. His strong hands and arms bend her arm and wrist back causing the blade to drop, "not very lady like are we?" The man still wore that ignorant smirk, "A word of advice little lady, don't go attacking people your first night in a bar, you never know what kind of freaks you'll run into". It was obvious at this point that this familiar stranger was referring to himself.

>>consider actually placing periods to make a series of short choppy sentences in her thoughts when she's trying reason how she got over powered. This will work in this context that her thoughts are short and frantic based on what's happened.
<**never start a sentence with "and"
**I is capitalized
**will walk into a bar (another typo I assume)

{My response}

The rest of the bar was staring at the spectical occuring in at the corner of the bar.

"It's comical how a person such as yourself underestimates a seemingly normal person when you are trying to prove the point of not judging based on appearance," he pushed off the bar and went back to his seat only to finish his drink. "It's not my place to tell you what to do, but I wouldn't pick fights all the time when you're being watched, or they'll come for you..." he muttered as his steady stride lead him out the door.

**who could beat her, one of them being her little sister, but did that really count? (the changes made here give a better sense of flow and question as to if it did count and makes it easier to move into the next thought.)

{My Response}
"Stalking me now? You're awful confident for someone that just dropped their weapon," replied the man, "I believe I didn't catch your name. I'm Haji, no further introduction required". The man seemed very cocky as he had now stopped moving completely. It was almost as if he were waiting for something. What he said earlier, who were the 'they' he was referring to? Why would they come? That smirk on his thin pale lips was almost a taunt to her, egging her on to do something about it.

Dare she try anything with this strange individual after his odd behavior? It seemed he had no fear of her at all, but of these 'they' who ever 'they' were. A soft breeze blew down the street they stood in, no one else seeming to shuffle about or notice to the two standing there.

>>classified," the girl knew better than ((a quote can't stand on it's own without having an attached person to it in the sentence. By using the girl it gets rid of repetition and 'than' rather than 'then'
<
{My Response}
He just smirked and started to walk again, "something I don't see happening any time soon if you don't even know what I am. I'll see you around Kira not your real name". The man continued to move but there was clearly something extremely strange about him. He pretty much admitted that not only was he not human, but that he also knew Kira wasn't her real name.

((In dialogue it makes sense as I know a lot of people that talk like that... lol))
**The girl's sentence (a typo I assume)

{My Response}
"Now, now, name calling is no way to get the information you want now is it?" replied the man with a smirk again. "What can I say, I simply know things because I do," the two had met before, he remembered it, but clearly she didn't. Could he blame her for not remembering? -not at all! Back then he was small and weak, a bright-eyed little boy that brimmed with joy and happiness. Where had that boy gone? He grew up, that's what happened. His soul was swallowed by the horrid surrounds they called this world. The people who torment and tease, the ones that scream and abuse, yes, that innocent little boy she had met the time before was gone and replaced by the sly man before her.

**male, "your ((connecting a quote to a sentence once more))
**Well smart really, ((I typo I assume))

{My Response}
"Threaten me all you want, but the last time we met you used your brain a little more," he replied now turning his back to the girl. It was true that back then she thought a little more. What had the world done to her? Clearly stereotypes were her poison.