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 Posted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 5:00 pm
 Please take me away from here. I'm Fred, and I'm sixteen.
The things you shall read here shall be my honest opinions on things I do/see/think about everyday~
Interject at times if you wish.
All rambling will start after this post, I swear.
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
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Posted: Sun Jan 31, 2010 5:06 pm
Please take me away from here. I really don't know why I do the things I do. Really.
I mean, all friday, I was overjoyed that I hadn't eaten for most of the day. I have some cake on saturday, and even today I'm all mopey. This is something I should probably seek help about.
I don't want to get help with this, though. I don't want anyone to know. I mean, if I tell a friend, they'll start treating me differently. If I tell a teacher, they'll most definitely tell my parents, which would just stress me out even more. (Don't even get me started on why not to tell my parents.) I mean, I can't even tell anyone online. I don't know why; I'd feel like a stupid little kid who wants attention, I guess.
That's probably why I don't tell anyone any problems I have; whenever I do, I feel like a little brat, trying to get everyone to pay attention to me. I don't want that. So, more often than not, people confide in me, and I listen, and then they go on their way, and I'm left to deal with s**t on my own.
But it's okay, I guess.
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
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Posted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 5:29 pm
Please take me away from here. 'Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
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Posted: Thu Feb 11, 2010 5:15 pm
Please take me away from here. I haven't had an actual conversation with her since saturday, when she just called me out of the blue.
Now, when I see her at school (which is rare; she's hanging out with other friends of hers), I'm lucky if she'll wave back, let alone say hi and smile. God, I don't even get a little acknowledging nod.
I don't know what the hell I did wrong.
Is it really my fault for wanting to spend time with my boyfriend while I'm at school, when I'm scared to be with my friends in case they start trying to make me hate him? Is it such an awful thing that I want to be completely content for an hour each day? Do I want too much? Do I really deserve nothing at all? Am I supposed to be this upset all the time?
She is my best friend, but I can't even find a chance to tell her how awful I feel. She doesn't seem to get how much better I feel, for the most part.
I'm just scared, I guess.
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
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Posted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 5:35 pm
Please take me away from here. She was with us at lunch today, but then she left and then Tenn came.
I say her after first, walking with Annalise. I waved and smiled, but she ignored me.
She tore up her paper heart rather than giving it to me. Taylor has mine, and I have his. It is a little crumpled, and I don't know where to put it.
My dad always tells me to be more careful while I walk in parking lots, but I haven't been hit by a car yet, so I think he's just worrying needlessly.
I bought fight club. I don't really plan to eat this weekend. Maybe I'll buy an energy drink. It is three days. I don't have any homework.
Yahoo signed me out, and now it won't open again.
I really need to find out how old you have to be to get a tattoo without your parent's permission.
I was kind of thinking what I want.
A little heart shaped lock, right over my heart.
Because it's true.
I'm all locked up, and I think I lost the key, because I don't even like to think about the things about me that are true (the masochism, the cutting, the want to see my own blood, the possible mental problems, the need to talk to someone), and really, it's probably going to stay like that.
Yahoo still isn't opening. It's pissing me off.
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
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Posted: Sun Feb 14, 2010 5:38 pm
Please take me away from here. I think I liked valentines day better when I was single; less of a hassle. I liked my birthday better then, too; I would for sure go out with Diana, and I wouldn't have to decide if I liked my best friend or my boyfriend better.
But today was good, I guess. Too ******** cold to go play in the park, or go down to the river.
We sat in that mall for five hours. Just sitting together, on the second floor, where only old people walk, looking out the window. And making out.
Mostly cuddling, and talking a bit. Trading jokes, and talking about our families. It was nice, I guess.
And he put his hand between my legs, and told me to just say something if I wanted him to stop. I just pulled his hand away eventually. He said I was kind of loud. Louder than usual.
Since I am a little ******** tease, I sat on his lap, with my legs on either side of his. He was kind of nervous. Then, all of a ******** sudden, all I remember is we were making out. I was kissing his neck, and then he was kissing mine, and he was panting, and he told me that was the most anyone had ever turned him on. Which was nice to know, I guess.
His 'friend' put an ice cube in her mouth, and then blew him. Hot + cold = tornado.
I felt a little strange, when he pulled down my shirt and bra, even though no one was around. Everything he did felt really good, though. Even when it kind of hurt, and I said that it didn't, because I didn't want to tell him that I liked the fact that it hurt.
The nest time one of my friends ask me why I like him, I am going to say "Because he listens to what I have to say" and leave it at that.
Also, she's not coming by at lunch anymore; they don't like her new friends, and she was tired of those two bothering her about it.
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
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Posted: Wed Feb 17, 2010 6:16 pm
Please take me away from here. They asked why, but I didn't say anything; I just shrugged and tryed to change the topic.
I asked him what I look like if he were to picture me naked. He said he wouldn't. So I said to picture me with the least amount of clothing possible.
Sexy, cute, little and flirty. Like I always am, he said.
I don't feel like I deserved to be called any of those.
"The harder I bite, the better it will feel." God, I can't wait for all the ******** snow to melt.
She can't go out with me, since she always works. I should get a job too, so I can say the same thing.
I'm going to try not to cut anymore. Or at least, not as much. I'm scaring myself. I still don't know why I do it- to see blood sounds about right, thought. I don't know how I'd explain it to him, though. He's trying to get me to be less shy, and it's working, little by little.
The janitor will be there at 4:30.
It's not rape if you yell surprise first. 'Surprise~!'
I feel like things are going too fast. But it feels so right. And I feel happy then. I only feel like a slut later, when I'm on my way home, or now.
My body feels used, but not by him. Used by me. I'm waging a war on myself. I seem to be losing. Both sides. It will be a lose-lose-lose-win-lose-lose situation.
I'm just kind of sad.
I just don't feel that hungry.
I am just stupid.
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
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Posted: Sat Feb 27, 2010 12:01 pm
NOPE NOPE NOPE
Everyone says/thinks they cant do better or dont deserve to be happy or any someone special. I have been there and done that Just dont do anything you will regret like cutting it off with them or anything. Soon you will come to terms about it and not think about it and enjoy it. I know I did. And you are not stupid just confused about what you want and stuff. If you feel its going to fast try to slow things down. and you are very well spoken with what you say.
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Posted: Wed Mar 03, 2010 6:09 pm
Please take me away from here. Thank you.
C:
That- I've really wanted some one to tell me that.
---
Ohhhhhh things have happened.
He knows things about me that no one else knows. And I know things about him that no one else knows. If my friends keep telling me to dump him, I will throw a b***h fit. And then not talk to them for a while. C:
He knows about the scars, but I'm sure that he thinks they're all old- I haven't lived long enough for that. I'm trying to stop cutting, and, strangely, keeping the scissors in my room is helping. Who would've thought that.
We have the same fetish. Mostly. He said he's kind of scared about it, but that's okay, since I am too. I just wish I told him that.
Hemophiliac.
Hemophiliac.
Hemophiliac.
God, that knife- it was cold. I was kind of hoping he would slash at my legs, regardless of my jeans, but I knew he wouldn't.
I'm bringing a lighter tomorrow, and clothespins, if I can find some.
She's sleeping over on friday, and then I have a family party thing to do on saturday, and then I'm going out with him on sunday. Oi.
She is doing well. Trying to juggle different groups of friends- I know how that feels, I really do. It's what I've been doing for three months.
He really seems to want to have sex, or (at the very least) do things were we are wearing far less clothing. I don't, though. I don't want to have sex until I'm on birth control, at least, and I really don't want him to see me naked, until my legs look a little better.
I counted ten on his back. He thought there was half that.
Incidentally, I heard that if you jiggle your leg while eating, it speeds up your metabolism. I'm not sure if that works all the time, but at least I'm burning calories during class.
I have two people promising to send me pictures, which have blackmail/bribery potential. Wonderful.
'Cause I feel like such an insomniac.
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Posted: Fri Mar 05, 2010 9:37 pm
 ♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫We won't let you in. You win. Oh gum, where would I be without you? ...Probably fat.
I may have turned him into a little bit of a masochist, but I guess that's okay. Evens things up. He was cute when he said it, too.
He said that he was kind of turned on when he saw the scars. I'm afraid I might start cutting again if that's the case. I really don't want to but... the scissors are right there. He said the bottoms of his feet are really ******** up. I would like to see. I want to have a... confirmation, I guess, that I am not as ******** up as I think I am.
1.) Candle wax is surprisingly hot. 2.) I -still- smell like the candles we used.
That bus didn't stop either. She said she was going to call before she got here. It's 10:35. I'm worried. She could have called or something if she got sucked into working tonight. I don't think I'll sleep if I don't know what happened to her.
You burn more calories just by being cold. And sitting up straight. How interesting. ♫♫♫And the coastline is quiet. While we're quietly losing control.
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Posted: Sun Mar 07, 2010 4:53 pm
♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫We won't let you in. You win. While three is the magic number, it also hurts like a ******** got candle wax on my clothes, so he said I'd have to be topless the next time we did this. As long as we're not outside, I am a-okay with that. Wind is ******** cold.
I think it was twice. He kept saying things, like he was pushing to have sex right ******** now. True, he sounded unbelievably sexy while saying such things, but it scared me. I thought he was serious, but he was just teasing. He said sorry about seven times. I wanted to tell him it was okay, but I knew that it wasn't; he sounded so sad.
He bit, and it bled, and he apologized a lot. I have to wash my clothes. I also just realized that he says sorry for a lot of things.
He fell asleep after a mood swing, which was kind of cute, actually (the sleeping). It would have been really cute if I hadn't gotten so scared. I don't even know why I freaked out so bad. Maybe because of what he had said beforehand.
I was thinking about food (snap) and having sex with a woman. But I really would like my first time to be with him.
I kind of don't find it fair that his stomach is flatter than mine. ♫♫♫And the coastline is quiet. While we're quietly losing control.
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Posted: Tue Mar 09, 2010 5:52 pm
♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫We won't let you in. You win. I am ******** disgusted with myself.
I figure that I had 600 calories today. Six hundred! That is twice what I usually eat. God, I was antsy about it all day. And he tried to make me eat. Something that Steph made in foods class- this chocolate thing. I ate a little piece, but no more. I really hope he doesn't ask about it. I think he's noticed. If I really have to answer, I'll just say that I'm trying to eat a little healthier, to try and get my stomach flat. Which isn't really a lie- it's the same motivation.
But purging really is sounding like a good idea to me lately. Especially today. I could've. I was scared. Scared of actually doing it, and scared someone would hear me- I'm not sure how loudly I vomit. Hopefully not too loud.
I feel a little guilty when he says that he'll always love me, because I don't know if I can say it back- he's the first person I've ever dated, and I'm still unsure of a few things, even after three months.
What I'm most unsure of though, (or at least, I think this is it), is whether or not I'd actually stay with him after we have sex. I mean, what if, somewhere in my mind, that's what a 'proper boyfriend' is: A guy you hug, kiss, love and have sex with. I still remember that she promised to date me after I've had a proper boyfriend, so what if that's the only reason I'm with him for? Just a way to get to who I (supposedly) really want. I really, really hope I'm wrong on that- it would just hurt him, so bad, and I really don't want to do that; I'd feel like such a horrible person, especially since he thinks I am just wonderful (I still don't get that).
IT IS AN S&M FETISH, STEPH. WE HAVE NOT HAVE HAD SEX. HE DID NOT 'DEFLOWER' ME. BUT APPARENTLY YOU WOULD TELL EVERYONE ABOUT SAID FETISH SO WE CAN'T TELL YOU. SO KINDLY STOP SAYING THAT WE ********. WE DID NOT. LIES = BAD.
I had a math exam today, but I didn't study. If my last exam is any indication, even if I had studied and done the homework, I would've done the same. I'm just distraught, and my parents lecturing about it does not help. ♫♫♫And the coastline is quiet. While we're quietly losing control.
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Posted: Wed Mar 10, 2010 6:00 pm
♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫We won't let you in. You win. I failed my math test. At this rate, I'm probably going to fail the course. It's to late to change to an easier math now, too.
And I guess the plan is that, while I'm going flat on friday, we are also going to his friends house (a bunch of people are, I think, so we won't be missed), to fool around. And we're having sex on sunday.
I'm really not ready to have sex yet; I know that he wants it now, but really, I am in no way ready. I don't know why, but now that I've started to think about it, I'm fee like crying about it. This is something that I should talk to him about, before I'm under him and not thinking the way I usually do.
Today he asked me what was wrong, and when I told him nothing, he said that he could just see that there was something wrong. Nothing felt wrong about me until he asked. And then I felt guilty about not telling him things, so I felt like crying, and I really wanted him to ask what was wrong then, or what I was thinking, but he didn't.
A full minute of jumping jacks burns twelve calories. If I did them for half an hour, I'd burn off what I eat in a day. ♫♫♫And the coastline is quiet. While we're quietly losing control.
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Posted: Thu Mar 11, 2010 6:15 pm
♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫♫We won't let you in. You win. 448.
I can't even do jumping jacks for a full minute before I give up and stop for a break. That's just awful, isn't it? I can't even do them for ten minutes, to burn off breakfast, let alone half an hour for the whole day.
Diet pepsi has no calories.
It was supposed to be anti-femme friday, but after this week, it will be ******** friday. Next week is a skirt.
I was chewing one piece of gum all day. By physics, it felt like I was chewing on minty rubber. Also, I failed my physics test. I really should do the work. Like my social homework, sitting in my bag. I'll do it at lunch tomorrow.
God, I really want a huge bag of chips right now. Lays. ********. I'll wait until saturday. Then I'll eat. Not sunday, though. Not friday either, since I won't have a chance to buy any. I'm so smart! I hope no one offers me food.
I should tell him that I adore it when he whispers in my ear; it makes his voice sound deeper, and at that point, I don't care what he's saying as long as it is directed at me. ♫♫♫And the coastline is quiet. While we're quietly losing control.
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